this question is for men who're raising their wives oc, and women whose h's are raising their oc...

1) did you/your h go through the process of legally adopting the oc?
2) is this something you think is neccessary?
3) is this more important legally (as far as om is concerned) or emotionally (to truly feel like the oc belongs toyou/your h)?

any thoughts on this would be most appreciated!

my h and i are faced with this right now. my family feels it's absolutely neccessary in order to protect/guard/whatever oc from om. h doesn't feel he needs a peice of paper legally binding him to this baby to feel like the dad. plus it's over $1000 and 3 months to get it done! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

as far as om is concerned, i dug up an email from around the time i saw him last (don't flame me for keeping it just yet! read what he wrote and you'll understand why i kept it. not that i think it would be legally binding in a court of law or anything). so here's what he had to say about having contact with this baby:

"i think i have pretty much given up on having any sort of future with you amy. and in doing so, i give up my rights to have this child in my life. i want this child to be raised in a family with caring parents... two of them, not three, not one. so if [h] is willing to do the job, and do it well, then i will stay as far away as need be.

i understand what you mean when you say [h] may feel threatened. and i don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. i don't want to sound all heroic in giving up seeing this baby or being involved. but like i said i want this baby to have a somewhat normal growing's up. and i know that you and [h] can provide that. and that's why i can do this. because i know that this child is in more than capable hands. if there was any doubt in my mind that things aren't going to turn out for the best, then i would say something.

and you can't be worrying about everything amy. how many times have i told you that. don't worry about what's best for anyone except you and [h].

you freak me out when you tell me how much you worry. and i know you have more than enough time on your hands, but don't spend it worrying. spend it being happy."

advice? opinions? anyone???

amy

<small>[ April 24, 2003, 02:00 PM: Message edited by: Amethyst03 ]</small>

Amy,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1) did you/your h go through the process of legally adopting the oc? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2) is this something you think is neccessary?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The legal opinion that I got on this (from a top-notch attorney) was this. The child is considered the husband's at birth. The only way to have this challenged is to have the OM come to the court and petition for paternity testing (which is his right) and to establish that he (and not me) is the biological father. Because he knew about the circumstances of the pregnancy---there was no reasonable worry about us being guilty of fraud or pain-and-suffering by denying him an opportunity to know this child (in other words, we haven't hidden the truth from him). The lawyer did say that we could 'legally adopt', but that would require that I challenge paternity, that we establish OM as the biological parent, that he wave the rights to the child, and that I then legally adopt him. The estimate for that was substantially more than $1K, and the general feeling was that it would be like putting a stick into a hornet's nest.

If the OM did not pursue the paternity issue within the first two years (knowing that HE KNEW HE WAS THE FATHER), then most court rulings for our state (and most others) consider that he's basically waived his rights as a parent. Conversely, given the fact that I knew about this situation too, it would preclude me from pursuing child support from him when I felt the need for some extra $$$.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3) is this more important legally (as far as om is concerned) or emotionally (to truly feel like the oc belongs toyou/your h)?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't believe that this really is legally important at all. Although you should ask your lawyer, my opinion is that if the OM WANTS a relationship, he is entitled to it and would not waive his rights. But the impression here is that he doesn't want it---and so he's unlikely to go through the legal hoops to establish it. Based on that, I don't think it's worth the time, effort, and trouble (and potential for this to backfire) by attempting to get him to sign his rights away.

As far as the emotions, have your husband change diapers, help with feeding, and cuddle/play with the baby for an hour every day. That'll mean more than any stupid piece of paper, for both of them. And for you too, if you're like most moms... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Amy,

Like K and his W, we never went through "legal adoption" with Abbi. I don't feel that it is necessary either, especailly if xOM knows of P/possibleP/OC and does nothing about it. We just past that two year point, and I had all kinds of fears as the xOM is a very vindictive person, and may have found out through common "friends" of Abbi's birth. I searched as much as I could, and basically, in any and all states that either I have lived in or I believe that xOM may live in, they all stated that if patition was not made w/in a certain time(most 2 yrs) then he has no claim, regardless of whether he knew of P or not. I found this interesting, and this is why it's possible this way: (not a direct quote but you'll get the gist)
If xOM knew there COULD be a pregnancy/child, and does nothing w/in 90 days of expected due date to claim paternity, he has no right to this child, but will also not be required to pay child support.

I believe that this was for the state of AZ.

As far as your third question, I don't think any legal document can make anyone feel something that they don't want to!

Check out your state laws! Find out what you "may" need to do, and if it's nothing, then enjoy the new baby(when are you due again?) and continue to grow together as a couple!

I hope that I helped in some way!

Tigger

k and tigger, thanks for your replies.

k -

you said that </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The lawyer did say that we could 'legally adopt', but that would require that I challenge paternity, that we establish OM as the biological parent, that he wave the rights to the child, and that I then legally adopt him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that seems like an awful lot of work to me, especially since h doesn't think it's neccessary. i've always told him that if he felt he needed or wanted to legally adopt the baby, then that's what we'd do. regardless of the cost.

this is what our lawyer had to say, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One main reason for doing the adoption would be that the child would, for all legal purpose, be [h]'s. Without the adoption, the child would not have the legal rights of a natural child. These include rights under [h]'s estate for example which would also encompass the child's children down the road. As far as [om]'s rights, he would likely never get custody but could get access. An adoption would end his rights to access. Once
the adoption order issues, [om] loses all rights to the child.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i guess i see the point. but on the other hand this baby will have rights to h's estate as outlined in our will, and om isn't going to seek custody (as i imagine that would be pretty pricey as well). besides, he (om) has told me he won't (see above email) as long as h is willing and able to love this baby (which he is!). it all just seems unneccessary and redundant to me. maybe i'm naive.

tigger -

i don't know if the two year rule will apply. we're in canada and i've been having a hard time finding info like that. i don't want to just assume that our laws are the same as the states. if you know of any good web sites, lemme know.

i'm due may 29th ~ so in five weeks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> yikes.

amy

Who is listed as the father on the birth certificate?

If it's your h, then the om would (probably) have to have testing to prove otherwise.

One main reason for doing the adoption would be that the child would, for all legal purpose, be [h]'s. Without the adoption, the child would not have the legal rights of a natural child.
But if everything points to the h as the bio dad, then how can it be otherwise?

The birth certificate says he is the real dad. Unless someone challenges it, then it is a moot point.

guess i see the point. but on the other hand this baby will have rights to h's estate as outlined in our will,
Theoretically it could be a problem if;
you had/have another child and later you die. Your estate goes to h.

Then your h dies. The "real" child of your h knows this child is not adopted and not the the "real" sibling.

The will could be challenged (the "real"child could say dad didn't know the child was not his and therefore not a true heir to his estate.

The unadopted child could get bumped from the estate.

A lot of what-ifs and I'm not a lawyer but something to think about.

Chris -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who is listed as the father on the birth certificate?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he's not even born... so no birth certificate as of yet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The birth certificate says he is the real dad. Unless someone challenges it, then it is a moot point.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that's what we were hoping for. i asked our lawyer if, in canada, a child born within a marriage is automatically assumed to be the product of that marriage, and whether it would be enough to simply put h's name on the bc when the time comes. i never really got an answer to that one.

thanks for your thoughts/questions. definitely things to think about.

amy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1) did you/your h go through the process of legally adopting the oc?

No My husband is listed as the legal father of our daughter. But we have legal and non legal dna to prove she is om's, we have not decided other aspects so for now it will stay as it is. Om has 4 years total to claim paternity.

2) is this something you think is neccessary?

In most states children of the marriage are considered to be husbands. SO we were told it was not needed.


3) is this more important legally (as far as om is concerned) or emotionally (to truly feel like the oc belongs toyou/your h)?

If we changed the birth certificate to reflect om as the father tomorrow, it would not change in my heart or in my husbands heart. She is our daughter and we love her. SO I would only change things if it were needed to be done legally for what ever reasons.

We have not made all the decisions reguarding this. Some are still undecided and some are discussed with all three of us.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

a child born within a marriage is automatically assumed to be the product of that marriage, and whether it would be enough to simply put h's name on the bc
What does one do when a child actually is the child of the marriage? Is there anything done to prove it? No.