I have read, printed, compiled, and re-read all of the BC's. I have also ordered the LB book, as well as the Surving an Affair book.

At first I was thinking I would show my H all of the BC info that I have compiled by concept, but would give them to him a little at a time. I was thinking this because I have told him about how I had found the MB web-site, and that I found some very interesting and helpful concepts in helping a M that I had never seen before. Initially, he was like, oh brother, what crazy stuff have you found off the internet now? As I began to explain some of it, he seemed more interested than I thought he would, especially when I kind of described the POJA, and the 15 hrs. of undivided attn. per week. He said he would be willing to read some of what I found! BTW, this conversation took place a couple weeks ago at the end of the argument I referred to in my last topic posting.

Anyway, now that I have put all the BC's together, I am thinking it isn't proper to show him the information BEFORE I tell him about my A/ lie of OC. It just doesn't seem right to me, like I'm buttering him up or something, and looking out for MY best interests, only to lower the boom later. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I think I need only to prepare myself to tell him the truth FIRST, then at some point, (hopefully soon after, if he doesn't leave/ask me to leave), he will see the great need for them and will let me share the BC's with him, as well as consider counseling. What do you think of my thought process on this? Does it make any sense, or no? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi Autumn,

I am a little slow today. What are BC's? I know I am going to be embarressed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

As for telling your H first or introducing him to them first. I cannot answer, because I have never been in the position he is in and is going to find himself in. So instead of that, let's see if you already know the answer.

Do you love your H?

Do you want your H to stay and help you raise the child?

Do you feel you need or needed to change your approach to your marriage and your H?

Do you feel your H is going to need help in dealing with this?

Do you feel your H knows you love him, if you do?

Would you like to help him handle this as best you can?

Do you feel your happiness, the happiness of the family, and his happiness are tied together?

Now it seems to me if the answer is yes, you need to introduce him to the articles here and the concepts. And you know that one of the major concepts is the concept of "radical honesty". What are you going to do when you get to that concept?

I think you know that don't you?

Which should come first? I guess if it were me I would say NEITHER. Introducing him to this is part of the processs of telling him would be my thinking. Now it cannot take too long, he needs to know and I think you know you need to tell him. But, if you can get him to read and start to discuss some of the concepts, it may give him what he will need when he finds out. What will he need?

My guess is some idea that you do love him, you do care for what happens to him, and that you do want him as your H. He is going to doubt that big time when he finds out. He is going to doubt himself big time as well. ANd he sure will doubt you. But, if it is clear you have been searching for ways to make the marriage better and have been bringing some of this to him, perhaps in addition to helping him, it might allow him to see you do want to stay out of more than just guilt.

I do hope people with experience in this will respond as well. These are just my immediate thoughts upon seeing your post.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Duh! Basic Concepts, of course. It has been a strange day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ April 25, 2003, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Autumn,

The only think that I usually caution against is in educating a spouse---it comes across as a lovebuster, especially in the area of unintentional disrespectful judgements.

My best plan for you would be to start counseling with Steve, now. He would help you with a plan to tell your husband, and then he would make time to be available immediately after you told him, to talk to your husband, should he want that.

He might not. But the fact that you've put a plan in place that demonstrates that you care for him and are concerned, and that you're willing to work on making the marriage better---these are all strong positive points. I really feel strongly that you need to have this plan in place before you go confessing. It will help minimize the damage.