D-day was almost one year ago. We got through the devestation of the affair... and then the O.W.'s pregnancy...and then my xWS sense of responsibility to be involved in his O.C.'s life. I did divorce because my xWS refused to be open about the whole situation, and I got tired of being hit with another "secret" from out of nowhere. We have, however, been talking about reconciliation. I am open to accepting the O.C. as part of OUR lives, and have had contact with the little guy. I must admit, however, that I'm feeling a bit angry and overwhelmed by the fact that the O.C. has Down syndrome. We are 48 years old. Prior to this whole mess, we had been planning what we would do when our children (from previous marriages) were all graduated and out on their own. This would have happened in two years. Now, who knows what type of life long care and commitment this child will require? His mother (OW) is 22 years old and we're not sure what her capabilities are in terms of adequately parenting this child. I know that I could walk away from the whole mess!! Yet, I continue to hang-in there! I guess a part of me just wants to whine about how "life just isn't fair"!! I feel like I've compromised over and over again, and now have a really big hurdle to approach. Part of me feels guilty. I'm a social worker. I never wanted to work with individuals with mental retardation because I would always wonder how they could have been if they were "normal", instead of accepting and appreciating them for who they were. And, I'd see these elderly parents caretaking their adult mentally retarded children, looking worn-out and sad. I remember when I was pregnant with my sons from my first marriage, how I prayed to God to please give me healthy babies, but if they couldn't be healthy, please let it be a physical condition, not a mental impairment. I'm concerned that I won't be able to like and love this child, especially as he gets older. He's a sweetheart now, but his developmental delays are not so obvious at this age (10 months old). Can anyone out there help me put this into a better perspective? If not, thanks for at least letting me vent. I can't say much to anyone else because they already think I'm nuts to even consider reconciliation with a WS, much less, one who has an O.C. with special needs! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I cant tell you what to do, But let me say their are amazing programs out there for help with a special needs child.

I know several and they now live on their own in an assisted living home, they work and enjoy life.
Children with down syndrome are naturally loving and accepting of every one. There are varying degrees of down syndrome as well. Some children do not require much more help than any other child. There are some great progrmas ot there for learning as well, some are expensive, but if you so choose, I can get you the name of the program.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "life just isn't fair"!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree but we have to make the best of what life gives us. If you truly want this you will make it work, I would imagine getting back to gether is a great task in its self with out the added stress. Sounds like you have a positive attitude. I wish you well.

mom of five,
Thanks so much for your response! I would be interested in finding out about programs that could be helpful and what they might cost. OC is already going to public school one day a week to work on developmental skills, but I'm not involved in that part of his life yet. I would want the very best for this little guy if I have the chance to help provide it. I'm just not too sure of how much the OW will allow me to be in his life without "using" it to have contact with my xWS. My xWS tells me that the OW already tells the baby to "shut-up" when he cries (at 10 months old!!). I can't handle abusive parenting, emotional or physical.

Mom of five, I really appreciate your sharing on MB. I read alot of your input to others. It helps me to see that OC can be loved, accepted and integrated into one's family.

The ow sounds young and imature, I do hope her parenting skills improve, But we can all use help. Maybe in time if done the right way, You can all have valuable input in to this childs life.
I would be happy to find out the name of the program, give me a day to reach the person using it.

Dear lilymarie,

My sister has worked for many years with mentally handicapped adults. She has told me alot about her work and her patients.

Down syndrome children and adults tend to be very gentle and loving. They are very sweet natured and easy to handle. There are of course varying degrees to their handicap, some of them can learn to live either on their own with some supervision or in group homes. Many parents however prefer to keep these children at home because of their easygoing loving nature. It is like having a toddler or young child that never grows into a mouthy teenager <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> These children can and do bring alot of love and affection into their parents lives.

This may sound terrible but if a child is going to have a mental handicap then Downs syndrome is the one to have. This is the view of my sister who has worked in this field for many years.

My sister is Willow40 and you can find her on the EN board if you have any questions.

It does not sound to me like the OW has the patience or the brains to love this special little boy. You come across as a loving accepting person. You willingness to consider reconciliation is proof of that.