I posted this in the "In Recovery" forum but no one has replied....since you all know me here maybe you can help. This has nothing to do with OC issues but I would like some input. humbly and cautiously ask for help (cautiously due to the context of the trigger). I hope this is okay to post about. It is difficult/uncomfortable for me to discuss, but I think you guys are the only ones that could understand and help me.

My H and I were intimate, and well, we tried something "different" not wierd or anything, but just adding spice.
~~Now remember we are almost 3 years past d-day and I thought all the questions had been asked, (and I KNOW, I hear you all now), I set myself up for this but I can't help it.~~
It just wasn't happening for me, he was respectful and supportive and didn't push, and it didn't ruin the mood. The next morning we began to talk, pillow talk, and I asked him the fatal question...did you do that with her...he tried to ward off the answer but I pushed, and he said yes. OMG the visions that have plagued my mind since!
After the revelation of the affair I asked specifically what he did with her...I know most of it, or so I thought. Back then I wanted to make I knew it all, so that this wouldn't happen. And I wanted to be sure of what was still "mine" in some respects.
So, we were due for therapy that morning, and I went into it triggering. I did well going thru the day and not letting it get to me all day, but I just can't get the visual, which brings on more (old visions), out of my head.
I had said to him, during the "pillow talk"...I feel like I just can't measure up to her. He then responded with "Why don't you get in the shower so we aren't late for therapy." I got angry.
It all turned out okay. He said he responded that way b/c he hates when I make blanket statements of negativity, and I went on to explain that he asked me to express my feelings... and his response made me want to shut down again. So yes we headed off a major agruement, but the visions remain for me to overcome.
Ok so here it is...
1) How do I get these visions gone...yet again. Sex is such a tough area for me b/c even before this incident, I always see them in my head when we are together. And I get so emotional from it.
2)Do I tell him of my crying during or after sex? Won't that just push him away or discourage him more so? Have him feel that we really can't get past this?
3)How do I deal with the fact that she was able to do things for him that I simply can't? (note: I am not saying "won't") How do I deal with the feelings of inadequacy?
4)It is hard for me to feel close to him b/c he shared with her what I felt was only supposed to be for us from the day we married till death do us part. How do I allow myself to feel that part again?

I am sorry if this is too graphic, and if it is locked or deleted I will assume that it was.
Although I hope it is not as this is a real difficult part of recovery for me. I have wrestled with posting about this for some time now, but this finally did it. I need help, and since you all have been thru it I figure I need your help.
Feel free to respond if you can help.
NGU

NGU, sorry you are going thru this. I think this is a problem we all go thru. It isn't one that is easily dealt with but it does get better.
Have you ever thought of setting aside a night or weekend during which you RECLAIM what was/is yours? The two of you make love to each other and create a new sexual relationship not involving her.
My process for recovery involved the following, but not in this order:
1. He is not sleeping with her, but me, so what happend before is irrelevent
2. He has committed to me and our relationship, so what happens now is our.
3. He may have done it with her, but what can I do to make it better, more memorable.
4. Have you ever, in a fantasy turned the tables on him so to speak. Tell him a fantasy of you and a fictional lover who makes love to you.
Create an image in his mind, like something out of Penthouse or something like that. During this time he can't touch you, he has to visualize the scene. then afterward you allow him to make love to like your fantasy lover.

I can remember making love and then asking him if they had done it the same way and if he had thought of her while making love to me. He was horrified. The person who brings her into our bedroom was me not him, he told me. Even during the affair, when he was with me, he was with me. He also said one time, that he almost called my name when he came while with her. He said he had never had that impulse when with me during the affair. (Remember men can compartmentalise, so he can kind of file her away focus on you, then do same with her.)

Now several years later, he has told me that I made him the lover he is, both before the affair and since.

Then most importantly -
Most therapists say that affairs are not about sex but about unmet needs. Don't forget that, it is such a very important point.

Recreating your relationship is also about his regaining your trust, which is so crucial in lovemaking for women. Once the two of you are on the path to new trust then the flashes of them in bed start to fade. But this is a process of time and work.

Good relationships do not just happen. We have to put the work in them to make them good. It is like a child, if not nurtured and encouraged to grow it will not. But it also takes both parties to nurture the relationship.

I have run long and I am sorry, If any of this helps let me know. My dau says if you want to know about sex ask my mom, but be sure you want to know. Mom doesn't pull any punches. I told her enough at 12/13 yrs, that she is still waiting for the right man now, not just sleeping every boyfriend she has, she is 21 yrs old.

Has he told you that if he could go back and undo the affair he would?

Texasgirl <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Texas girl...I wanted to thank you so much for your response. It was what I needed and it helped more than you could know. I am going to try to do what you said. I think that it is the fact that I have a lessened desire to do the work b/c of the affair, and that is hurting us alot. We could be so much further along if I could let go of the pain...
Anyway thanks for your help...and if I ever have another question regarding sex...I know who to ask.I really do appreciate your honesty and openess on this. It took every ounce to post this.
NGU

Hi NGU,
I love what Texasgirl replied to you. No, your post is not too graphic. I also like what TG's husband said--that TG was bringing xOW into their bedroom. Yeah... don't do that. She's history. She's the one who doesn't measure up to your husband's standards.

<small>[ May 01, 2003, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

I hope I helped some. I worried about being too explicit or offending someone. It will take time, but you have to get her out of YOUR bedroom. You might also pick a neutral place, go for a walk in a park away from phones and other people, just the two of you and discuss the feelings you have openly and honestly. Tell him you need the assurance that he is committed and he is done with her. He doesn't think of making love to her, you are the one he chose to be with and make love to. then work on the smaller intimacies, a massage or a bath together (or shower). See where that leads to. Buy a sexy nightie and leave it spread out on the bed for him to see during the day or when he comes home from work. Just stay focused on what you want to happen, and remember that you can make it sssooo much better than it was with her. Also as time goes by and you build or re-create this part of your marriage, what ever she did for him will fade. He will eventually say he didn't know how he coulc have been so STUPID! ( And you will silently agree as you turn out the lights).

TG