Ok so my H travels just about every week, and we stay in contact on the phone a few times a day. He tries to be accessible to me but sometimes it is hard.
His affair took place when he traveled.
His job is one that he works with alot of women.
He has promised he will never hurt me like this again.
I am shopping today getting ready for family coming in for the weekend and H calls me from Victorias Secret (I had asked him to pick me up something practical that I needed for the weekend, no not for fun!) He called to make sure he got the right thing. Well, he says I am in Vicky's with ****** (a woman that he needed to visit a store with) and she is finding this very funny (him buying me this) I got rattled but couldn't say anything as she was right there and he was in the middle of the store. He was breaking up and he left the store. I took this chance to tell him I was uncomfortable with him picking up my personal items with someone else...he understood, but I know he probably found my embarrassment to be silly (mindreading), and really whats done is done, right? This is around 11am.
So just after that my step mom calls and says they will not be able to fly down as she is really sick. I had to call my H as he set up the tickets with his miles. I couldn't get a hold of him. I left messages for him. Finally he calls a few hours later and I tell him this. I ask him where he is going and he says he is on his way to court. I ask if she is still there he says yes. Another sinking feeling for me. I let it go again, make small talk. He asks whats wrong and I say nothing as we can't talk about it while she is in the car. That was around 2pm.

So, his sister and I decide to order dinner and he calls as I am about to leave, about 6pm. He has now missed his flight and has to stay over and catch a early am flight. I get panicky inside. He rarely has missed a flight. He said court ran late, he was going to a hotel and will call me later.

His sister and I were discussing now picking up EVERYONE from the airport tomorrow and we had an idea to make it all easier. Once again we try to call, he is not available. He finally calls at 9:30 pm, he is at the hotel, and we are talking about tomorrow, giving me directions to the airport ect. he asks twice what is wrong, I say "nothing" b/c his sister is right next to me. Finally talking in code I say that we can talk when he gets home as I have an issue. He says ...okay...

And that is where it is left off...
First of all that is one of his biggest problems with me, that I say nothing when it clearly is something, but those were not the times to discuss it and I hope he understands that.
ALSO, PLEASE BEAR IN MIND...I do not think he is with anyone, but the doubts are stongly there. I think they are coming from the fact that pre-affair if this would happen I would think...could he be...and immediately come back with the "NaHHHHHH!!!Him NEVER!!!!" response. It never entered my mind. Now I sit here and share the goings on with you dear friends in hope that I get this out of my system. I hate the doubt he has put into my head...
See, he has two cell phones. One thru work and one personal. The one at work he has at all times but the battery went dead today, actually did last night. The other he doesn't carry with him all the time, and that is the one that we have our mobile to mobile minutes on.
Like I said, in my heart I know he is not having an affair. But I THINK he has a car charger for the work phone so why cant't he use it...it doesn't take all day to charge a phone. And it is getting frustrating that the phone I use to call him he doesn't carry with him all the time.

I AM 2 1/2 YEARS INTO THIS!!!!WHY AM I TRIGGERING LIKE THIS????AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Ok rant done. I will not be able to check in or post until Sun...yet look forward to any replys as I will try to peek in when I can this weekend. It may be difficult though.
Thanks for letting me get this all out.

NGU

BTW I feel bad having these doubts as he is doing all the right things...

I would probably be having same feelings & say "nahhh, no way" - that's what I have done twice now and twice I was wrong. Personally, I say trust your gut & confront him directly about it. That way it keeps communication open & honesty in the relationship on your part and if he is an X-WS, you have a right to those little nagging feelings of doubt. Wasn't it him who put them there in the first place?

Maybe I'm just bitter because I am currently in so much turmoil with my marriage, but I would trust him about as far as I could throw him. I want to trust him, but no way - never again will I be so stupid/naive/unquestioning/trusting!!!

I will be praying for you that your 'suspicions' are wrong & maybe if they are it will give me a glimmer of hope in my own situation. Please keep me posted.

NicWatts

<small>[ May 02, 2003, 12:04 AM: Message edited by: NicWatts ]</small>

NGU,

Well the only advice that came to my mind for you is when you mentioned that it bugs your H when he asks what's wrong and your response is "Nothing". That is an obvious LB for you to give to your H. Maybe your response, even if it's not the time to talk about it due to people around him, would be to say something like, "I'd prefer to talk to you about that privatly" or even, "Now isn't really the best time to talk about it" Or, you could even sit down with him when he gets home and explain this all to him, and why you don't tell him what's wrong when he's with other people or vice versa, and work out some code to give when in that situation.

As for the cell phone thing, sometimes it does happen. I know that I've either forgotten to bring my phone, or to charge it, and don't have the charger with me. And also with the coverage and being in a mall, getting cut off is very frustrating as well, I know! The way my H deals with that is when I do take a trip to see family(4 hrs drive away) he'll remind me to charge the phone ahead of time, and to take the charger too. And I take it as it's meant, a loving, suttle hint to not forget <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I hope that I helped you in some way.

Tigger

Not giving up,

You and I are at about the same length of time since discovery of A and OC.

I do not think your triggers or concerns are unreasonable. YOu worry perhaps you are foolishly not trusting H, etc. given the length of time of A.

The fact is, your H's actions, as well as all of ours, made you not only distrust him and what he is or not doing, but your own judgements. I know I too never thought my H would do this to me. He was much too honest, too upright, too conservative, too straight laced.

Well, he did, and blew all my trust, respect, and pushed me to always suspect the worst of him.

YOUr H sounds as if he tries to do what he can by calling you often when away-wish my H did that-but, it doesnt totally undue your concerns, does it?

Don't blame yourself for your issues and concerns. H has earned it fair and square, and has to live with what you need to get over this.

I would not have liked my husband being out at Victoria's Secret with a female picking out something for me, either!

When we were dating, my H had a good female friend who offered to help him pick out some lingerie for me AND she also offered to help him pick out my wedding ring. What a helpful suggestion, huh? NOT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I'm still trying to keep this person in her place to this day. She'll make comments like, "Well he's (my H) is lucky he isn't married to me and I want to say something like, "He doesn't want to be married to you. (They went to college together and dated but she liked him more than he liked her. He definitely didn't want to marry her. She and I couldn't be more different! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) So anyway, this person has a way of triggering insecurity in me but I just quit inviting her over and trying to be friends with her and that eliminated MANY of my troubles!

NGU, maybe you are just going through a spell of insecurity. How is your prayer life? Your husband seems to be love busting a little bit and you do need to talk to him about it in a calm, collected manner. Perhaps that is why you weren't able to talk to him on the phone, you probably need to sit down over a nice, quiet, romantic dinner or something?

Perhaps the delays are divine delays enabling you to have more time to pray about what to say and how to say it in a loving way without love busting yourself?!

Since he is doing all the right things, he should be willing to hear you out and understand how his actions would be causing you to react this way.

He may be doing the right things, but these few little wrong things are having a big affect on you--and rightly so!

NGU,

I'm sorry I still haven't answered your private email. I'm swamped at home.

I would definately NOT be happy with my DH picking out my VicS stuff in front of/with another woman (who was not a salesperson)---for that matter, I would not be happy with my Dh BEING AT VicS "with" another woman, period!!!

I can't think of any advice right now, just agreeing with your emotional reaction.

God be with you,
J