does anyone else feel like a used car?
my now exhubby is still trying to get back together and he is doing some nice things for me but I still feel like I'm just the old reliable Toyota that he drives. Sure you like your car its dependable and nice but what happens when the new model comes out or a Ferrari drives by? He says that he loves me and never wanted to have a life with anyone but me BUT I still feel like I'm just the old car with dents that feels comfortable so you don't get rid of it. He wants to go to therapy but I'm still not sure what to do! I'm on the fence about weather I should just give up and go to therapy or hang on to my anger and resentment. I'm truly NOT sure how I feel about him anymore. One day he's ok and I might want to be with him and the next day all I want to do is stick a pen in his eye. He swears he's sorry that he felt the need to "test drive" another model but he never planned on trading me in for another "car". Is this weird or what? Do you EVER feel special again to your spouse? Do you ever get to feel like the "new" car again?

Second try...

First, I understand how understandably hurt you are that your lovin' man did this to you, and used car is a great analogy, but here's my take on it:

Life, you cannot recover your marriage on your FEELINGS alone--it will fail, fail, fail. AA popularized the saying "fake it 'til you make it" which means...

Read the Harley principles and you will see that our feelings will follow along AFTER the rebuilding's begun. Action first, feelings later.

You can hang onto your anger and resentment and be a bitter human being your whole life if you want to... but do you really want to?? You're entitled, I'm entitled (yep, we got SCREWED!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> It SUCKS <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> )--it's justifiable, but is that really how you want to LIVE for years on end? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

There is nothing your former H can do that will EVER be "enough" to "make up for" what he did. If you're waiting for that, recovery will fail.

If he is truly remorseful and you've got a good shot at a happy future together (yes, there CAN BE happiness after an affair, if you both try <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )... Then why not entertain the POSSIBILITY of forgiving him, not just for his sake, but for YOUR sake (and any children you have together)?

The Harley principles and counseling is an excellent place to begin, IMHO.

God be with you,
Jenny, in recovery almost 5 years and glad I stayed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ May 07, 2003, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

PS. YES, I do feel special to my spouse! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He is very grateful that I was able to forgive him and rebuild our happiness together. He makes me feel special on many occassions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He's very good at meeting my needs; I have to work harder at finding/meeting his, because he likes to pretend he doesn't have any; now I know better!

Life,

Listen to Jenny. She is so right. There are many Ferraris out on the road. Believe me, if you H was not remorseful, he would be rolling up to one of their bumpers, not hanging around his Toyota.

So that makes me think that -- the Ferrari fulfilled a short-term need but, he WANTS the Toyota.

It took me awhile to feel special again to my H too. But, men can truly compartmentalize. He kept the ex-OW in one tiny spot, while you were still filling his heart. I cannot explain how they do it, but I honestly have come to understand that men can separate the affair from the marriage. They can look at their spouse with adoring eyes and be in love with her even when they are having an affair. Weird ... but true.

Don't let the bitterness destroy you. Make a conscious decision to give it up. Why not take a chance? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain -- you could restore your marriage -- and what a wonderful thing that is.

Good luck,
Marie