Hi there...it has been 2 months since everything happened, and we have all had time to think things through. I believe I am a bit more rational these days. I haven't been here because I had referred xMM's wife to the site for support and had my posts removed in case she decided to come here. She didn't, so here I am.

What I need your thoughts on is visitation. As some of you may know, xMM and I live very far away from each other. He wants to visit with his child right away. How do we work out visitation with a newborn? I will be breastfeading...and quite honestly not comfortable leaving a brand new baby alone with anyone. He wants to come here once a month for 2 days each time. This seems like an impossible situation to me...do any of you have thoughts on how this could work?

Please don't jump down my throat, or tell me to give up my baby. I have no where else to go for constructive advice. I can't find anywhere where there is visitation that works...please tell me there are some success stories out there. I really want my child to have a father.

<small>[ May 08, 2003, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: twilight ]</small>

twilight:

Will he visit with his wife? If I were you, I would try to work arrangements through her, so that she knows that you are doing your best not to threaten the marriage. What exactly is the plan for the MM and his wife for involvement in this child's life?

I would be extremely uncomfortable with any overnight visits for a newborn if you are not going to be there. I don't know of anyone who has done this. Is it possible---sure. You could express milk and pack it for the trip. But it really doesn't seem like a very good idea for the child.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really want my child to have a father.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, I'm not going to bring up the adoption thing. Do you want the child to have a "father" in the biological sense? Or would you be satisfied in meeting a nice guy who would marry you and raise the child? Your answer here would probably direct my advice.

Twilight,

God Bless you and keep you for wanting to involve the father of your (plural) child. I wish I could offer advice, but alas I am quite unqualified as such. Prayer is my one recommendation above all else is Fervent prayer.

Your Brother in Christ!

Father of MyFamilyof5

K...I can't even imagine right now meeting someone, settling down, and having him be the father of my children. I suppose that the possibility is out there in the future, I am still young. At the moment I am still just trying to get through the day without crying in public...not easy to do with raging hormones. I also think I have aquired very negative feelings about marriage over the last few years that I need to work through before going down that road again. I was in a bad marriage and took the wrong way out...it is still a living nightmare.

As for visitation...his wife does not want to have communication go through her...we kind of tried that too early on and it backfired...for both of us. She does not want to accompany him on his visits here either. There will be no overnights for now...too complicated...not good for the baby. He will stay in the city overnight and come back the next day to be with the baby. Frankly, I still don't see this working. At least not for his wife and not for me...emotions are still too strong. He has repeatedly broken his own no contact rule...and my own withdrawal had to start all over again. I know it is hard for him as well but I get the distinct feeling that the women in his life are paying an enormous price for his weakness. That's a whole other post though.

On a final note....he has requested to be here for the birth. I know what it would do to me...question is what would it do to everyone else? Part of me naturally wants him there...the part that is terrifyed to do this alone. But most of me knows it would be a huge set back emotionally. Do I even have a right to deny him from being there? He wants to be a big part of this child's life.

twilight,

At this point, you have a right to deny him any access to the child. I certainly wouldn't have him at the birth if you don't want to (or if his wife wasn't in agreement). If you're to the point where you don't want him involved at all (including child support), I would suggest that you tell him that, and force him to go through the courts to sue for paternity. That will take him time and money, and it will establish a hurdle for him in terms of how serious he is in regard to being a father.

Anything inbetween is going to be very difficult. If you can't talk to the wife to establish things, and the MM is being difficult---you're off to a very bad start.

<small>[ May 09, 2003, 10:58 AM: Message edited by: mshermi ]</small>

<small>[ May 09, 2003, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: mshermi ]</small>

<small>[ May 09, 2003, 10:59 AM: Message edited by: mshermi ]</small>

K, I know you are trying to be helpful but I have to say this, please understand. This person is not a nice person. I have read each of her stories that she posts on other sites.

MM is not the only one to break NC, everytime she hears anything that HIS wife says, she calls MM, she calls him to complain, to cry and to use the baby to try to get him away from his wife, they recently talked on the phone for 6 hours and she was gloating and can't wait until his wife see's the bill. She just about a week or so ago went for an ultra sound and came up with a plan to hurt MM wife even more, she was going to send his wife a video of the ultra sound. SHe got blasted about being vindictive and then tried to play it off that she was joking. This is a very serious matter, nothing to joke about. She got upset because she called MM after u/s and didn't get the reaction she wanted. She is playing games with everyone.

I am sorry but this person is looking for ways to hurt his wife even more, she is trying to find all the angles from all points of view and come up with a plan to shatter MM already hurting marriage. Why she comes here looking for help is beyond me, I personally think this one has a black soul, even the women on her regular boards are starting to see it.

He is paying ALL her expenses, she lives in a condo he bought, she doesn't work, she lives off of him and can't understand why his wife would be a tad bit upset, she got him to sign an agreement that she doesn't have to work for at least a year after the baby is born, he will pay for everything just like he is now.

She flat out doesn't care about this man's marriage, his wife or his family. She is doing eveything she can to undermine his marriage and to cut his wife even deeper than they already have.

Again I apologize for this, but I just can't sit back and let her play the wonderful people here on this site who are truly trying to do what is best for everyone and to help their marriages.

mshermi,

Well, I don't pay any attention to any of the other boards, so it wouldn't be a surprise. I also don't spend too much time worrying about twilight, because she doesn't seem to be all that interested in actually considering the advice and acting on it.

And if she's everything you say, then I feel very sorry for that child of hers; to grow up with a mother like that as a role model will be a truly difficult task.

My question is what do you want? Do you enjoy watching his marriage fall apart? Why encourage him to be visiting you without his wife especially if his wife is not in agreement?

I'm sorry you put your kid in this tough situation. There is probably no easy answer, just do whatever you can live with and keep trying to move forward in a positive way with your life.

<small>[ May 09, 2003, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

I find this post very disturbing. She referred his wife to this website yet decides to post here?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> She could be lurking for all we know. This sounds like classic OW manipulation. She mentioned in the post that her MM has broken contact. I bet she is sitting back hoping his wife reads this and all hell breaks loose. Have you any dignity what so ever twilight? If even what half of what mesheri says is true you are just plain mean and vindictive and only looking out for yourself and YOUR wants. Get some help from a professionl to deal with your "the world revolves around me and my wants" complex. Very, very sad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It's possible, she doesn't care about MM's marriage. Why should she? I don't think she would be invovled, or pregnant with his child if she were. She simply wants him, MM.

Instead of shielding MM's wife, please let MM get off the fence so the wife can get on with her life, with or without him. It doesn't sound to me that her MM cares about his own marriage.

ember

PS. I, as a betrayed spouse, would rather have the pain, the truth, and my choices back. It's better than living in a black hole the rest of my life, because the longer it goes on, the more hurt when a person finds out.

ember