Thanks to all who responded on my last post. Your words were very warm and encouraging. Thanks also for the advice regarding the beginning of recovery.

I was so glad that I had checked in Monday morning to read your posts, especially the ones that were concerned about the state of shock and denial my H is probably in. It was helpful, because I had been thinking about that already, but needed to see it in print. I was meeting my H for lunch on Monday, so I knew that was a good time to bring up my concerns for him.

We didn't get much of a chance to talk over the weekend because we went camping with his parents and our children for Mother's Day. The weekend was too good to be true. When he wasn't fishing, he was doting on me, keeping me near, a lot of touching, hugging, whispering sweet things back and forth to one another, etc. He asked a few times how the baby was doing, and even brought up the fact that the name he has always wanted for the baby is the number one name for boys in our state, pointing out his good taste!! He told his parents he won't be selling his baseball card collection that he has had since the 60's in case his little boy wants them!! On Mother's Day, he cooked breakfast for his Mom and me, (actually for everyone), then washed the dishes. That night when we got home, he cooked dinner with only very little help from me. He had the children do the dishes and clean up. He gave me a beautiful antique I had been eyeing up the last time we went antiquing. We ended the weekend very peacefully and happily, with him asking me to meet for lunch on Monday.

At lunch I brought up the fact that he is probably in shock right now, and that the full weight of my A/OC hasn't hit him yet. He looked sad, just that I had brought it up, and told me that he is just trying to forget it, and move on. I told him I understand that, because I know how he is, but that we need to keep the lines of communication open. That he needs to tell me whatever he is feeling, when he feels it. To tell me when he is feeling hurt, angry, etc. I again brought up the fact that we need to see a pro~marriage MC. He shot that down, saying we can make it on our own. I didn't want to press him on that topic for now, but said that I might see one. He did agree to do any reading I thought might be helpful to him/us. He didn't like the sounds of the book Surviving an Affair though, and didn't think he would need that. My heart was breaking for him, for the hurt I caused, and because I think you guys are correct, he is in denial and shock. Not just because he has been so kind and loving since discovery, because he has always been that kind of person, so his giving actions haven't totally surprised me. I am just so worried that he is sweeping all this mess under the rug, (including his own hurt and heavy sense of betrayal) for the sake of everyone; his children and his parents being at the top of the list. He's even doing it for my sake. I say these things, because after I first told him the truth, his main reaction was that he "was stuck". He said he knew this news/ and a divorce would crush too many people, and that he couldn't do that to those he loved. I pleaded with him, telling him that one of the reasons I knew I had to tell him the truth, was to give him back HIS choices that I had taken away from him by lying. I told him that I wanted him to stay, but that I didn't want him to stay because he felt stuck! I said I wanted him to stay because he felt he still loved me, or at least could some day love me again. Bottom line, I wanted him to stay because he wanted to, because he chose to for him , and not for other people. I told him he had every right to leave the marriage, even Biblically speaking, (which he has always taken seriously, hence never wanting me to leave in the past). I tried to make him see that yes, people would be crushed, and I didn't want that either. However people would know the truth, and they would not be angry with him at all! They would totally understand his reasonings. They would be angry and disgusted with me, not him !!

I could tell he was hurting, and feeling very uncomfortable that I was bringing this stuff, but I felt I had to continue, gently. I told him what one of you said, that if he buried things now, that it would surface in resentment years later. That we need to make the best of our alone times, and discuss this whenever he wanted to. I asked him what he felt most about me and what I had done. He seemed to struggle with answering, so I asked if he was more hurt, disappointed, or angry? He answered, "disappointed". I asked him what I was dying to know all weekend, and that was why he seemed so quick to forgive me, and wanted us to be a little family, and raise the baby as our own, especially after a long night of anger but mostly just pure anguish? First he said, because it wasn't totally a shock to him, that he had suspected since the beginning of the pregnancy, but thought he never really wanted to know for sure. Then he said because he just knew that staying and making this baby his own was the right thing to do. That is when he said, because also knew leaving me would crush me!!!! I told him again, he shouldn't be worrying about me, I'm the one that messed up, and again that it was his right to leave!! He said though that he did love me, and that he always loved me, I just didn't ever believe him in the past.

Here is where I need to tell you all, that he still doesn't know any major details of the A. I tried to tell him the first night, and again at this Monday lunch, but he didn't want to know. I told him that he can ask me anything at all, at any time, and I would be truthful. He said he doesn't care to know. He doesn't even know if it was a ONS, or of any length. I did feel at this lunch that I needed to somehow tell him that the x-om knows about the baby. I went ahead and told him that, and he was really upset. He asked why in the world I did such a thing, and I explained my reasonings as best I could. He is now concerned as I am that x-om could come back into our lives and make things worse. I told him I don't think he will, that he was the type to easily move on. At least now that I have revealed the A, the x-om will not be the one to tell my H. My H is now worried that the x-om knowing of baby, there is potential for everyone that he wants protected in this situation; his children, parents, him, me, and baby are now vulnerable. I did tell him, that I left the x-om with the belief that I would probably have an abortion. My H asked me to please not reveal what I revealed to x-om to anyone else, and to hope that x-om never shows up!

I apologize this is so long, but wanted to let you all know where things stand right now. Although I think my husband is in shock and denial, I also believe he is so relieved that I love him, and he truly seems to be reveling in it. He even said he was sorry I had to keep this secret to myself for so long! I said, "Are you kidding, I kept it to myself for so long, because I was a coward, and that he was being way too kind to me!!!"

We are going to try to meet for lunch today, if my Dr. appt., and his meetings don't run to long. Maybe we will get a chance to talk some more. Any advice on how much I should be initiating the topic? I don't want to be pushy, and insensitive, but I also want him to know he can express anything to me. I'm just concerned if I don't bring things up, he never will. For now, other than our lunch on Monday, I just ask him how he's doing, how he is feeling. I tell him I love him all the time. I whisper in his ear how sorry I am, that I wish I could take it back. I tell him what a wonderful man he is. These things seem to help him for now, and I feel very natural in doing so.

Thanks again for listening, especially to this super long one, I appreciate each of you more than I can say!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

~aut

Aut,

Well, it looks as if the healing is beginning! I would recomend not saying anything further, on your own, about the A. Let him bring it up, and just answer the questions honestly and openly! Let him lead the way down that road, and let him take it at his own pace! Also, as has been said many times here before, men don't need as many details as women do. It's just in their nature!

I am so glad that things are continuing to move forward! Just keep telling and showing your H how much you love him, and you can make it! Oh, I would also print the different articles from this site to show to your H. Maybe give him one at a time, and let him know that you are just trying to help him, and he can read them or not.

Keep up the good work!

Love,

Tigger

autumnday,
What a wonderful weekend you all shared.

As far as your H being "relieved" you still love him, a thought shared by me on d-day also. When H told me I was shocked beyond belief. H telling me " I know you'll probably want to divorce me Debi, but I hope not because I love you", made a small ray of light intervene the thick smoke of hopelessness.

Men being different from women is another reason why your H wants to just keep on moving on.

If you do not dig deep and find out the cause of the affair, you will not be able to prevent another one by either of you.

Just let your H bring it up from now on.

Keep up the loving attitude too.

Blessings and prayers.

love
Debi

autumnday,

I read your post about your lunch with H, and I am heartened by what I read. I have also read the responses to you by Tigger and Debbi. They clearly know what they are talking about and I would listen to them carefully. I do not have experience in these matters, so what I offer you is simply some opinions based on what I have read here and how some of the things you have said struck me.

My first opinion is that you should continue to talk to your H about the A or more specifically the state of the marriage before the A and the state of the marriage from now on.

It has been my observation that some of the best recoveries on this site occured when the WS took the initative to bring up the A and surrounding issues and talk to the BS about it. Why is this? I think it shows that the WS has taken ownership for what they did and it shows a level of honesty and openness to the BS.

My other reasons for this opinion are founded in what you have posted here. Your marriage was NOT going well before the A, and surely during the A, yet you loved your H. THis needs to be explored and it needs to be done by both of you. Not in an adversarial situation but both of you sitting on the same side looking at the past events and deciding what is worth learning from them. It is probably a little early for that but it should come.

The next reason is your H's response. I think you have really nailed something when you said he is in protective and denial mode. He is trying to protect the lives of many people. At least that is what he thinks. What seems to often happen is that he is the one that needs protection as well. I remember a comment you made in an earlier post where you described him telling you that "a divorce would not happen so just deal with it." Or something to that effect. This suggests that he thinks he and you can simply fix things by a strong declaration and sucking it up. Doesn't usually work that way.

So you need to gradually bring him into a dialogue about your views of things, what you would really like in the marriage, things you like about him, love about him, and things where you need help from him. Even he will have to admit that if he doesn't know about something he cannot help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Right???

In short you should be sort of getting him over to your side of the log, and using your issues to do this. His defenses won't go up, and you will get him to open up. This I think will lead to you being able to short circuit him building resentment. And he will begin to find it comfortable to open up to you. Now I am not saying he will just become a fountain of emotions and deep emotional discussions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, I read something one time that really really hit me.

The author was discussing men and how we respond to things. She suggested that when this lady asked her H a question that she sit there patiently waiting for the answer. Don't change the subject, don't offer a moderating question or comment, just sit in silence and look at him until he answers. The authors reasoning was I thought sort of profound. She felt that the silence would promote a response, thus the W would get an answer. But her main reason for this approach was that men don't often talk about feeling or emotions, so we don't have the speech patterns already made up to handle this discussion. Cars, sports, work, Yup. Emotions NO! So the time was to allow him to form the words he needed to express what he felt. Being a guy, and having just come here 4 years ago, I thought this was very very profound. For then I didn't have the words I do now from being on this site.

So Autumn, my opinion is to engage him in discussions, push the envelop here. It may annoy him sometimes, but if it does, then you have an emotion you two can talk about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, I think it will actually validate to him that you are trying, you are thinking about him, you, and your marriage. I think it is like a boy getting a kiss from his mother: he sure doesn't want anyone to see it, but it does feel kind of nice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So you now have diverging opinions. Aren't you glad you posted here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good luck to you and your H and
God Bless,

JL

Autumn, would your H even consider marriage counseling?

At least you are on your way to making a better marriage.

Wishing you well, ember