Wow! what a weekend I just had. I feel loved for maybe the first time since D-day. I feel taken care of, cherished.

I got invited back to a high school reunion (25 years--yikes where did the time go?). I have not gone to reunions despite the fact that objectively, I have had the most successful life(worldly definition)--academic success, wealth, high-achieving career, lived all over the world. Yet, I could never shake the feeling of suffering that so many of us feel in high school--only when I thought of myself as that high school kid. For the rest of my life I was happy, fulfilled, self-confident, secure in my marriage and in my relationship with God. In high school, the only place I felt happy and loved was in the music department. I took up residence in the arts wing and rarely ventured out. We had an incredible teacher who retired this year. The reunion was for anyone, from any year, who had studied with him.

So, this was a music dep't reunion concert for band and choir. My sister and I agreed to go but at the last minute I nearly backed out. I was so (suddenly) self-conscious of all the weight I have gained. I didn't want to go back and prove that there was justice in life--that the skinny, beautiful, popular girls do go gray and get fat and dumpy. Mr. J just encouraged me to go. He reminded me how much I am loved by the people in my life and how he still thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever met. He reminded me that this teacher I loved could be dead in a year, that I was going back to thank him for the gift of music that he gave me that carried me through. It allowed me to sing out my joys and wail out my sorrows. It helped to keep me sane following D-day. It brought me to my church family and into relationship with God.

It was a long drive back home. Mr. J drove both ways, treated me like a princess, packed my bags, had the children to everything possible to treat me as the precious jewel of the family, kept wonderful care of our boys while I practiced all weekend. Mr. J didn't hide in our bedroom at my mother's house (something he has done since D-day). He and the boys sat in the front row of the concert. He didn't complain that by the time the news of the reunion came up, all the rest of my family was already booked and couldn't come to the concert. He and the boys were and are my greatest fans. He was the charming, social, gracious man I remembered from early in our marriage. I feel such love for him, much more than I have felt in years.

We have had a rocky recovery. No fighting and we got exOW disentangled from our lives in fairly short order, but there hasn't been much love, much connection because he has put so little into our recovery. He was so lost in his own guilt and self-hatred. I know that Catnip has seen this and maybe one or two others. It is crushing to see your beloved spouse offered God's forgiveness and yours only to see them deny the healing balm as they insist on holding onto their corrupted views of themselves as the most horrible people who ever walked on earth.

He is on anti-depressants for a couple of months now. They seem to work w/out triggering any mania (a problem in the past). Neither of us were very good at being parents when we adopted two older kids with lots of issues, but I have watched his enormous growth as a parent. He is kind, gentle and loving with the boys. He shares in raising them, in helping with homework, in their moral education, and with the every increasing stories of previous abuse that they tell us. Crushing burdens of hideous, hideous, inhumane abuse that, if I were alone in this, would drain the life from me. He is finally becoming a partner again, the man he was and the man whose return I have prayed for nearly three years. Three years of grinding work on my part are bearing fruit. I think his redemption, his rebirth, his recovery are finally here. Praise God for He is good--all the time. All the time--God is good.

I loved my reunion. My friends didn't care that I had gotten fat. You know what they marveled at? My emotional growth from a shy, self-conscious girl-woman, to a confident, funny, strong woman. They were thrilled with my growth as a musician. They rejoiced with me that after 25 years of infertility I have been given the blessing of children. I think before I ever open my mouth that others sense I have lived great traumas and overcome much. (Betrayl and a step-child was just the fourth of five equally difficult times in my life.) For with the great trials in my life have come the wonderful compensating spiritual gifts of mercy, compassion, grace, strength, humor and gentleness. God is the silversmith. He holds us in the fire while we hiss and spit, until we are purified enough to reflect his face back to him.

I look back and I wonder why so many of us wasted so much time suffering in high school. I was (not trying to brag) the smartest, the prettiest and the most popular girl in school and I feared that someday people would see inside me and know I was a fraud. Where did that shame come from and more importantly, where did it go?

MJ

MJ,

All I can say is WOW !!!! What an amazing story, not just for Mr. J coming out of his emotional coma, but your own awakening to what's important!(not saying that I ever thought you were "shallow", just saying from what you just wrote) I am so happy that your reunion was a joyous time, and that it was a wonderful weekend for you!

On a side note, how are the boys doing?

Again WOW !!

Love,

Tigger

MJ what a happy, loving piece to read!
With all the sadness in life, you have survived with God as your anchor!
I'm happy you had a fairytail weekend, you deserve it.

So happy Mr.MJ is on the medication he needs!

An abundance of blessings to you.

love
Debi

Mary Janes,
Just a blast from the past ... Zebra here wishing you the best in your newfound joy and peace.

And you are soooo very right, God is good all the time! What a powerful, merciful God we serve. I am so honored and blessed to be in his grace ... and I'm sure you feel the same. His thanks I'll sing from the highest mountain, not only for me, but for you as well.

My dear, such good news to hear from you. May your blessing continue to overflow.

Z.