Hi JL~
Thanks for checking in on me. Sure didn't intend to make you worry!! Didn't know of your post till Tigger mentioned it in an email. (I shoud've at least written a quick post to say I would get back to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ...TY, Tigger!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The reasons I haven't been online much since telling my H are pretty good reasons. The biggest reason is I've been trying to spend my free time with him. Hand in hand with that is the fact that my excessive time on the computer was always a big issue for my H.
To answer your question, yes, I am doing pretty well, all things considered. We've already experienced some of the roller coaster highs and lows that have been talked about on here. You know of the first few days of "highs". Last week a low one happened when my H had a very angry outburst about something very trivial, (nothing to do with A/OC). I however, saw it as a way of getting out some of his anger over our situation, but through something small, and off topic without having to address the A/OC. I pictured a future full of moments like this, where he would be angry about the A/OC, but disguise it. I didn't tell him that though, I just simply shut down for the next 36 hours. He didn't budge either. Pre-A, to let something like that go on for 36 hrs. would've been a small amount of time. Now, any kind of emotional separation for any period of time, sucks!!! We both finally apologized at the same time. I voiced my concerns. He said he honestly wasn't taking out his anger over the A/OC through another topic, that what I saw as trivial, was important to him, and he truly was angry about it. He did acknowledge he went over board on it though. I admitted that I was wrong in shutting down, and in essence shutting him out for a day and a 1/2. I took the opportunity to remind him that I am always here, and he can talk to me about anything, as well as ask me anything. He again said, he is just trying to forget it and move on.
After all that, we ended up having a wonderful weekend, last week. We did yard work, and gardening together both days. He kept telling me to take it easy, and not to lift, or bend too much. I kept telling him, I'm fine, I'm fine. At the end of the weekend, we stood arm and arm admiring our beautiful yard, and he said, "Thank you so much for helping me, you really surprised me, and did such a great job!" I replied with, "We make a great team!" This was really significant, because all last spring and summer, (A time) I not only neglected him and the children, but the yard, (actually I neglected everyone and everything) as well. I never planted one single flower. I was never outside with him at all doing anything. All the neighbors even questioned him, asking if I was ill or something!! Anyway, this past weekend meant a lot to him, and I felt so good!
The baby has been going crazy, I think he thinks the womb is party central. Although feeling life inside me is the best part of pregnancy, it is also a reminder of what I did. Earlier this week, I woke up to the baby going nuts with his kicking and cartwheels. I immediately started thinking about his origins, feeling overwhelmed with guilt. I began thinking again, "I just can't do this, how can I be the mom he needs me to be, when he will be a constant reminder?" My H saw that I was getting weepy, and when he asked what was wrong, instead of saying nothing, I told him what was going through my head. He just said, "If I can do it, you can do it, we'll get through it together." I realized I was just feeling sorry for myself. Whenever I talk about the fact that we could be basically finished raising our children in 4 years, if I hadn't blown it, he just says, "Well, we aren't done, we have 18 more years to go, there aren't any options, so let's just go from there." I feel so badly, because at at a time when I should be holding my H up, he seems to be the one having to hold me up, all the while acting like he is fine, and doesn't need any help.
It weighs heavily on me that he is shoving this mess under the rug. My concern is that not talking about what happened, and not taking a serious look at it, will lead us back to the atmosphere of pre-A where we never communicated, and didn't care whether we did or not, where we pretty much led separate lives. I'm afraid he is just chalking this up to my mid-life crisis, (because that's what he calls it) when in reality it was something much bigger than that, and for many deeper reasons too!! How do I tell him that though, when he doesn't want to talk about it? I want to give him time to digest what I've done, and I sure don't want to add insult to injury. I haven't given him any of the MB reading yet, as I am trying to take it slowly. However, the health of our marriage is at stake here.
BTW, I took your advice, re. asking my H a question, without any interruptions from me, just putting the question out there till he answered. I did that, two times in one night, and he didn't answer either Q!!! They were minor Q's, can't even recall what they were now. Also, at the time he was in a pretty relaxed state, and near sleep, but I thought it was pretty funny! Mostly, I think he is just used to my prodding, and probably thinks I don't care if he answers or not, if I don't help him along. I will work on it though, and will make a point to try it when he isn't half asleep! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Your advice has been helpful to me, and I appreciate a man's point of view.
Take good care, and have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend!
~aut
ps. For any of you ladies out there: I am now about 6 mos. P, and beginning to feel exhausted all the time, AGAIN!! It is almost as bad as the first trimester. I nearly fell asleep on the treadmill, as well as behind the wheel this week! I was really enjoying great energy the last 6-8 weeks!! Since I haven't been P for 15 years, it's hard for me to recall, but I thought I didn't get tired again till the last month. Any suggestions, or is it just simply my "old" age, and I have to deal with it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
