Repeat offenders:
I am considering going to counseling with my now exUH to see about a reconciliation in the future or even just to get over my anger at him for our son's benefit. We have been separated since Sept 02 (my choice) and our divorce was final in March (again my choice). He wants to be together and has done MANY nice things for me and swears he would NEVER do this to me again. My biggest concern (other than the OC he created) is that he will do ALL these things and SWEAR to fidelity now but then 5 years down the road he fu$$ around again on me and I'll be back to square one. I REALLY want to believe him and want to believe he would NEVER hurt me or our families like this again but its SO hard after what he has done. He had 2 ONS and sex with a co-worker/friend about 9 times and then some oral from her in her car about 5 times that is over a 3 year period. So does that make him a serial cheater since he cheated with more than one person or is it serial if your found out and THEN do it again? How many have gone through this before, only to have the US do it AGAIN?? I feel like my son is young and if I'm going to rebuild a life on my own, THIS is the best time to do it. I don't want to get back together, have another baby, get deeper into the relationship, invest my time and effort only to have the Bast ard do it again to me!! What are the odds that he won't do it again? Once a cheater, always cheater true or false? PLEASE HELP

It's a tough question. It's not categorically true that a cheater will continue down this path. You can define serial cheater in many ways, but I would encourage you to look at these "facts":

1. He cheated with apparently little "romantic" involvement (two ONS and a convenient sex partner). There are good and bad elements to consider here---the good is that these affairs were not emotionally serious for him and behavior correction could work well. The bad news is that the onus will be on him to keep himself from situations in which he is vulnerable. This assumes that you and he had a satisfactory sex life up to then.

2. He hasn't cheated since the affairs were uncovered. (Correct?) Good.

3. He's done much to make this up to you, including correcting behavior. Good.

4. He's experienced some severe repercussion for his infidelities. And he hasn't quit on trying to win you back. Good.

I would encourage you to go to counseling with him, and try to outline what you would need from him to reestablish the trust that you will want in the marriage. To try to set ground rules that you both can agree to (POJA) to protect your marriage from further affairs. If I were in your shoes and could get to this point, I would give the reconciliation a real effort.

There are no guarantees. There aren't any if you meet someone new. I look at many of the behaviors and see a lot of positives in the situation. But I do believe that you (he) will always have to be wary of the "opportunity" to have an affair.

This may sound harsh, but I have read just about all your posts, and find that you really don't want to be married to this guy! You had repeatedly asked advice about if you should get the divorce or not, and many said that you shouldn't do so! To me, you have "thumbed your nose" at the advice you've gotten before and after your D. In this new post, I still see someone who is looking for approval from others for your decision to go through with your D. Well, my advice is look w/in yourself. If you really want to try again with your xH, then go for the counseling, otherwise, just get on with your life.

Again, sorry if it sounds harsh, just what I am seeing.

this,
I also have followed your story. I feel you rushed your divorce. However, that being said - life is a gamble.

Many state because I soon will marry my FMM that he will do the same to me. Maybe he will, maybe not. I will say in the 15+ months we have lived together he has not given me a moment of worry.

Yet, my FMM may cheat. Your XH may cheat and break your heart again. But, he may not. Who is to say your new love won't do the same thing.

Your XH has clearly tried to make ammends. You must now decide whether or not to accept them. If not, set him free, move on, and hopefully you both can find love. tew

My motto is "when in doubt(sp?), don't.

ember

TIGGER,
Yes your response was harsh but that is the point of coming here to get advice and to LISTEN to what other people have done and what works for them. I think that if you REALLY listen to my post you would know that I TRULY loved my UH but will NOT tolerate being with someone who would treat me badly, also you would know that there were other factors for my divorce than just the A. I don't feel that I have "thumbed your nose" at this board at all. Is that the point of coming here is to respect other people's opinions and to respect other people weather they take the advice or NOT. Have YOU followed every piece of advice you've received?? I come here to find HOPE, UNDERSTANDING AND COMPASION for what is the hardest thing that has EVER happened in my life! Sorry that you feel I ignored your wisdom and didn't listen to what other had to say! This was the only place I could find to vent my frustration and now I will not come here again! Bye!

Sorry if you felt that I was chasing you away, I wasn't. If you read my whole reply, you would have seen that the next to last thing I said was:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, my advice is look w/in yourself. If you really want to try again with your xH, then go for the counseling, otherwise, just get on with your life.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And, I still stand by that advice.

tinml, please don't leave this board. It took me 5 years into recovery to make up my mind. Now, I am glad I stayed, and worked on the marriage. My D-Day was 1996.

This is not a race. All people heal at different intervals, in space and time.

If you still feel for your exH, and he is trying so hard, I say, stick with it. Because once you part for good, he will be forever be gone to you.

You are on the middle of the fence, just as your H was at one time. Now he is showing his love. I say, why not give him the chance. You have nothing to lose, but maybe everything to gain.

I know that I have grown, and am glad I stayed married. I have been very blessed.

Do you really want to let go of him?

If your not sure, just enjoy today, one day at a time. There is no rush right now.

If your H loses patience, he will move on.

Or, he will fight to keep you, and you, him.

Wishing you well.

ember