Hello everyone, The question is to regret or not to regret,I was just wondering if anyone has ever really regreted to open up to OC? Or has anyone ever regreted not opening up to Oc? I wonder often if there really is a right or wrong answer, yes I know it is an personal choice for us all but I would like to know both sides, the good the bad and if there any ugly out there. Or even if anyone is a OC. Are there any regrets for you? Speaking of regreting does anyone regret going back with cheating spouse? I'm not looking to start anything but conversations and outcomes to our problems since we are all here for the same reason.We are all part of a special group here, At one time never knew existed,it is sad so many of us share the same issues.I am glad there is always a place here to go to..for support.! Thank you all
Sometimes I feel it just too much for my friends and family to listen and truly express how they feel.It is wonderful to feel so close to people I never met but share that awful experience!
Thanks again
Jill

What do you mean by “opening up to oc”?
Telling him he is the result of an affair?

By opening up to the OC in whatever way someone has,such as accepting OC in your family? Letting OC know the truth? Never letting family know, telling Spouse no way! Trying to deal with OC, NC regrets, or any other possible answers or solution.
Jill

Jaggerslady,
as far as opening up to oc... Oc is 2.

Our granddaughter is 1.

Our DIL and S never want to tell granddaughter of oc. Are moving to a right winged community to not tell her of grandpas mistake.

H worries about oc.
Worries oc's mom is competent and not out w/ another MM.

Ow's c's would call ow's cell... H would sometimes leave motel in rescue of her c's. Knew then he would never trust his c with ow!!!

His worst nightmare came true..

Married in name only ow... 3 kids....

Made H see that I could have done same thing...didn't...

Oc will be on it's own.... H does not wish to see oc.....nor do I.

Did at first...in the fog.... so did I.

Our S and DIL and granddaughter is all that matters....

If not, H can take his oc/ow and LEAVE!!! But he doesn't...

I can live with what I had...not what H brought upon me.

Humans get along without knowing all the time.

OW is STILL married w/3 other kids.

I feel nothing for oc. H hoped her H will adopt.
Thought he'd never get caught...did!!! Never wanted oc... Told ow!! She wrote it in a card how H never wanted oc!!!
Any more q's?

Just ask.

God answered all of my q's.

I was willing to do what it took to stay....now H is the willing one.

Regrets? I have a few, but then again,too few to mention.....

Debi

<small>[ May 29, 2003, 08:42 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

Never letting family know, telling Spouse no way!
Real honesty in your relationship, eh?

Trying to deal with OC, NC regrets, or any other possible answers or solution.
What does “NC regrets” mean?

gemini1,
I have absolutely NO idea of what your post means or what you are describing.

Sumtimes u cn yuz 2 mny abrev’s ‘n a post n ‘twill nt mk much cents.

Jaggerslady,
I was one that had significant contact with oc - opened up my heart and home to her, and introduced her to my children and to my family. I really do regret doing that, since my marriage ended in divorce. I now have four young boys who do not understand why they have a sister they never see (my ex-h dropped his pursuit of custody as soon as I was out of the picture, because without me to care for the child during visits, he was no longer interested in her at all). Also, I became rather attached to the little girl, especially since i have all boys and began to think of her as a daugher of sorts. So it was rough for me to realize that I had absolutely no rights to ever see her again. On the other hand, it was kind of a relief to not have to live the misery and shame of an oc situation anymore, to explain to people how this child, a mere two days younger than one of my boys, was in fact my step-daughter.

I must be feeling melancholy tonight. I generally try to avoid posting to topics that aren't related to legal issues, mostly because I am so soured on the oc subject and the infidelity subject that I feel that my views won't be helpful to anybody who could be successful in repairing their marriage.

Anyway, will be trying this week to catch up on personal emails to members who wrote with questions. Hope everybody is well.
with love,
cd

Personally, I find any extended time "regretting" is a waste of valuable time I could be doing something else with my life. Learn the lesson, deal with it, move on...

In our case, our OC does not know his origin (he's 4.5 years old). His siblings do not know either. Family does. We're still undecided on the if, when, how of discussing this with the kids (although it's not a nightly debate). If something happened to screw up our current situation (say the OM showed up at the door)---we'd deal with it. You make the best decisions you can with the information you have under a moral framework---and then just live your life...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

(And I have no regrets about returning to my cheating spoouse---even if she ended up betraying me again in the future).

Jill,
Excellent topic… and a tactful way to see how others feel about their situation WITHOUT judging them for their CHOICE!

You are right, there is no ONE blanket answer to these situations… it is definitely a PERSONAL one… One that should be reached by complete honesty and trust in the marriage. When one aspect is missing, it will surely lead to some contention in the marriage…

In our situation… I didn’t want anything to do with OC or OW in the beginning… Still would rather not have anything to do with OW… but in order to have a relationship with Lil Bit, we do what we must…

Had it not been for OW’s history, I am sure I would have fought H tooth and nail to stay away from OC… but when I learned of her history… I fought along side H for his right to see his c.

Today, Lil Bit is 22 ½ months old! We have been involved with her since she was 5 wks old… minus a month that OW kept her from us… and I do not regret one moment of the time I have spent with Lil Bit.
In all aspects, except the obvious DNA difference, Lil Bit is my daughter. She cries for me when I go to work in the mornings… She comes running to me when I come home in the afternoons… She is a very smart little girl and has grown up in this situation, adapting beautifully to having 2 Mommies.

OW has a habit of calling and canceling her parenting time. Currently, she has left Lil Bit with us for 2 solid weeks. She doesn’t mind leaving her with us.. and we don’t mind having her here. We see this as an opportunity to bond with Lil Bit and time to establish her “schedule.” She sleeps in her Big Girl bed, toddler bed, every night and she gets up with me in the mornings and takes naps with her Daddy.
When she goes back to OW that schedule will become a little off kilter, nighttime becoming the worst problem.

All of the above makes me feel good about our Contact with Lil Bit. We know she is taken care of… we know she is healthy… we know we will see her within 3 days and anything that may happen to her, during her time away from home, will still be evident when she comes home.
As the Guardian Ad Lietem said, “It’s a WIN WIN situation… You have her more time than most fathers… and know what her condition is ALL the time. Should something happen to her… You will know, faster than most fathers!” AMEN!

Edited to add:
As for regreting going back with my WH?
No, I don't. There are times I could still shoot him... But I love him dearly, and had I NOT stayed and fought for our marriage, we would not have Lil Mac coming in September!

<small>[ May 30, 2003, 12:49 PM: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</small>

Having NC regrets means.........that you chose No Contact with other child and it's been some time and do you regret your choice or not??

As for honesty with family Why tell everyone about other child if it's not going to be involved with your life, no need to broadcast the news, if your choice is not to have contact.

Thank all of you for your response! let's keep it opened and not to judge anyone for there own decision.

Jill

I just wanted to say I am so happy I found this board. I was trying to find some support/answers on another board through aol (I think) and some of those people were so mean and harsh in their postings. It is so great to see what ever end of the rope you are on that nobody here seems to bash someone for being the cheater....or being the wife to the husband and saying things like they shouldn't have a say in what is going on with the OC. Everyone won't have the exact same circumstances on how we got here but it is so great not to hear all the bashing! Thanks for such a positive place to come!!!!

I don't regret the NC over the past 10 years. However now I feel we should relook the situation. Now the OC is almost 9 and our children are older. Our older boys were teenagers, and when we were talking divorce they didn't handle it well at all. Now they are in their 20's and I thank can handle it. Our older dau is 21, I think she could handle it. I don't know about our 15 yr old or the 9yr old. We may tell the older three then as the younger ones reach 20 address it with them.
Unless she enters our lives before that. Comes looking for him, her father.

Everyone must deal with this in a way that works for them. No one else has to live with the decisions you make but you. No one should condemn another unless they have walked a mile in their shoes first.
Well that's my opinion, for what it is worth.

TG

Jagerslady,

Did I regret trying to make my marriage work? Not for a minute. I love my H. Did I regret trying to incorporate WS's 2OC into our lives? No I did not. In the beginning I did resent all the secrecy, it took almost 4 months for me to even be involved with them. I too became attached to the older OC, and I believe she with me. I was willing to accept them into our lives.

What I do regret was believing totally that my WS was remorseful and was committed to our marriage and would never stray again. I regret giving my WS a second and third chance after he went back to OW. I have a feeling that long-term affairs just don't end. How naive I was to think that he could give up his relationship with OW.

What I rregret most of all is after 27 years of marriage I will be divorced in less than a month. It is a horribly messy divorce. We can not even have a civil conversation anymore. There is too much hurt. WS has called me every horrible name you can think of, maybe it is him trying to justify what he has done to our famiy. We separated in September. Next friday will be our 28th anniversary. Our divorce will be final the 27th of June. I am heartbroken still at the outcome of our marriage. I tried, but WS said I didn't try hard enough, or forgive fast enough, or allow H and OW to maintain a friendship.

So like CD, today finds me in a very melancholy mood also. I still grieve for the loss of our marriage. I truely miss my H, but I don't think I could have done anything different to change the outcome. This affair has torn our family apart. Our children do not wish to have a relationship with their father, and are
embarrassed at his continued selfish behavior. He has moved in with his OW and the OC. So continueing a relationship is very difficult. Why would I even have thought that he would recognize my 50th birthday this month, or even mother's day for that fact. But ignoring both, hurt terribly.

Unfortunately I am one of the few unsuccessful stories here on MB. I read almost daily, but don't have any help to offer.

Tina

Ah, I have much to regret. And, oh,Tina, I feel like you and for you.

I regret every day that my H chose orgasms with another person ahead of keeping our marriage vows sacred and protecting our children from the break up of our family.

I regret he never told me earlier he was having an affair, before the OC was conceived.

I regret he never told me about OC when child was in utero.

I regret H had no guts to tell me until it was way too late.

I regret that OW insisted on no birth control-- and H trusted her to use the rhythm method.

I regret H was stupid enough to believe a woman he hardly knew that this contraceptive method would work.

I regret that H had a marked change in his personality so it allowed him to get sucked into internet chat rooms, pornographic sites, and meeting women willing to have affairs with MM>

I regret that after years after discovery, my H, though not wanting OW, cannot put his marriage to me first and our children's needs for a whole home ahead of his need to see OC.

I regret that after many appointments with many therapists, including STeve Harley, H continues to be stubborn, pigheaded, and selfish about what he wants to do, and no longer puts myself or our kids' needs first.

I regret that H remains selfish, mean, and hostile towards me, for finally kicking him out of our home for refusing to keep our home safe, secure, and our relationship protected enough to heal the rift he has caused in our marriage. His needs now take precedence.

Because of these regrets, my H now is legally separated from me, something I take no joy in.
My kids are now learning what it is like to be in a separated household, visiting dad's place and seeing him only sometimes. I no longer have a co-parent to parent our children, for talking to him seems to bring out the worst in him toward me. He seems quite resigned to separation and not in the least interested in turning this separation around.

Every day, I resent my H and the OW for what they have done to me and my children. No one will ever convince me that the OW is not equally responsible for the downfall and break up of my family. When OW say they had nothing to do about the break up of my marriage, or a family, they know not what they speak. I despise and hate my OW, and always will, but even though she is my worst enemy, I would never do what she has done to me, my children, my H, my marriage, and my family. It is unspeakably selfish and hurtful to begin a relationship with a married person without any thought of the people connected to that MM. Especially that MM's children.

LIke Tina, my children are trying to understand why Mom and Dad are not together. I see my daughter and son trying so hard to be happy, but in my heart know they are shattered by having parents apart who no longer communicate, etc.

My H gave me a very lukewarm card for MOther's day, one day early , the day he moved out. I didn't want to take it, nor receive it from him.He, as usual, has lousy timing. He signed his note, Love, H-- now, I ask you-- how can one say he loves me, when his actions speak so much otherwise? His behavior only indicates he loves himself and his selfish needs, and it certainly has caused me to feel less love and more hatred than I ever have.

I regret he did this to me after a long marriage, after waiting so long to have kids, after having our beautiful children after many, many miscarriages. And for that, for all that, he has an A and is stupid enough to fail to protect himself from the OW's pregnancy.

Most of all, I regret that the man my H was when we dated, fell in love, married, and loved has disappeared, and I have not seen him return yet. I think if he is forever gone, he is also forever gone to me.

<small>[ May 31, 2003, 10:41 PM: Message edited by: unhappy wife ]</small>