Hello everyone,
This is my first posting, but I have been to this site a few times. My story, like so many others, is a long one, so I'll just give the short version. My H and I have been together for 13 years, married for 11, and we have 3 kids, ages 12, 10 and 7. He is a chronic cheater, and we have separated more than once because of this. His affairs have resulted in 2 oc by 2 different ow. I found out about the one who lives in our city just last year, and she is 6 months younger than our 7 year old. She was the product of a brief sexual affair while we were living apart during my last pregnancy (he also has difficulty keeping a job, so we have always struggled financially). This child's mother has not tried to contact my H, but because she received Medicaid for her daughter, the state is coming after him for child support. He is not interested in meeting this child, although he received a picture when he had to take the paternity test.

The other child is another story. Their affair lasted 2 months, and the ow knew about me from the very beginning. When I found out, she harassed me by phone at work and at home, telling me how she enjoyed ****ing my husband. I put him out, and he went to live with her 3,000 miles away (we had relocated, so he thought he was safe from discovery, but she hired a private detective to find him and started calling my house, threatening him with exposure unless he talked to her). As fate would have it, he went back to where she lives after lying to me and telling me he had a job interview there, and when I found out the truth, we separated. It was during this time that she got pregnant. By then, he had ended the affair, but she kept coming up to his job unannounced, until he had to have her removed by security. Four months later, my H and I began talking again, and he came back to see our kids. He never left, so the ow continued to harass me at my job and at home until I called the police and an officer talked to her. She claimed that since she was almost 40, my H was just a sperm donor, since she wanted another child. She didn't care about me or my kids; she actually said that we should be friends since our children were going to be siblings! She claimed she didn't want anything, including child support, but then she would have her 14-year-old daughter call my mother's house and ask for her "father"--my H. All of this, and much more, reached its peak when I found out that she had had the baby, and that my H had given her his new work phone and address to send pictures. I ended up overdosing on Vicodin and having to get my stomach pumped.
I wish I could say that this story has gotten better, but 3 months after my suicide attempt, I found a package of pictures of the ow and the child hidden in my basement. My H said he had brought them home months before and forgotten about them, but it was still after my suicide attempt! I wanted him to leave for good, but financially, I couldn't. You see, we moved to the midwest to escape the "stalker", and I don't have any family here at all. His family consists of a an aunt he doesn't speak to, and a sister with more problems than I have. I wasn't going to make my kids homeless, so I decided to wait until I could get things together. About a month later was when I found about the oc who lives across town. I thought that I would go crazy before I was able to leave this man, with all the drama coming my way, but I have stayed strong for my children. I had a decent year, but then last month, the ow with issues got our unlisted number (My H denies giving it to her, or even being in contact, and I believe it, because she would have called sooner, and had new info to spring on me). When she called, she pretended to be a new mistress in town who worked with my H, but I soon caught the voice and she hung up. I thought I would have a panic attack, but then I realized how pathetic she is to even bother me when I had nothing to do with the pain she feels. My H sat on the fence and hurt us both, and he has never grasped how much devastation he caused to me and our kids.
When I first came to this site almost two years ago, I was looking for answers on how to save my marriage and deal with an irrational ow. Now I know that despite anyone's advice, I had to make this decision alone. There is too much water under the bridge for my H and me to continue. I hurt the most for my kids, because they had a hard time when we separated the last time. Unfortunately, I''ve already put forth as much effort as I plan to, because I think my H is not capable of honesty and fidelity.
Thanks for being here and being truthful about how life has kicked you around, and how you survived.
"Keep on keeping on!"

I have the utmost respect and feel so deeply for you. You are an amazing person who needs to be treated better and your love and loyalty to your children is inspiring. It is time for him to go and maybe then if you have no contact he will realise the error of his ways. Either way you deserve a rest and your children need to see that they cannot treat people the way their dad has. I believe your husband probably wants to be with you but is incapable of doing it properly.So many people are so weak that you have to make their decisions for them- and maybe he has made his by default. all the best to you and I'll oray for you

Dear Strong Survivor~ I think you name says it all. You sound like such a strong person, I think once you are completely rid of him (where you are not really deep down wanting him still) you and your children will be able to heal and you will create a better inviroment for you and your kids. Hopefully your kids will see your strength and be better for it too. My girlfriend just left her cheating, lying husband just over a year ago. She is a little lonely, misses having an intact family but in lots of ways she is doing so much better. She was able to move in with her parents for a year though. So now she was able to buy her own house, she lost a lot of weight and you can just tell by looking at her she is happier than she had been in many years. It was hard at first but she knows she didn't deserve being treated like that...and her self confidence is starting to shine through so bright. I was so proud of how she picked herself up by the boot straps and said enough for feeling sorry for myself and my situation-and boy has she changed her life for her and her girls. I wish I could pull myself from the gutter I have been feeling and just take control of what I can and change how I feel about things. I know first hand it is easily said and harder done. But I do believe we all have the power-we just need to do it. Goodluck, you deserve so much more!

Dear Fellow Survivors,
Thank you so much for your feedback! Just knowing that there are others out there going through this same craziness helps me so much. I told my husband how I was feeling, and he got really depressed and started talking about how he's a loser and will never be good enough for me. I pointed out that people make mistakes, but when someone keeps doing the same thing over and over to the one they say they love, then it's abuse. I cannot tell you how completely shattered I've been by his succession of ow, and I just can't take another surprise phone call from the latest girlfriend. In our 13 years together, there have been five ow that I know of, but the hidden porn has been almost constant. He began our relationship with major lies, and things have hardly changed. He thinks that because he is not cheating on me now, and has expressed remorse over his affairs, that our relationship is great. I explained to him that my resentment keeps showing up, because there are so many things that trigger horrible memories for me. I am not even able to be the caring person I once was, and sex for me is a physical release. A part of me will always love the man I've known for most of my adult life, but the sensible part of me says that love isn't enough anymore.
I know that I can live without him, because I have before. When we separated in 2000, I took care of myself, working out everyday, eating healthy, and really connecting with my kids. As soon as my H and I reconciled, I morphed with him again, and things went downhill fast. He has low self-esteem and a low grade depression, so he constantly overeats, smokes, drinks, and doesn't have any close friends. I think my alcoholic family background tricked me into seeing things differently, and my desperation for any love from a man became the most important thing in my life. Even after I recognized that he has never held a job longer than a year since we've been together (he lost 2 due to affairs with employees, one to viewing porn on the computer in his office, and others from bad judgement), I kept on trying to compensate for his irresponsibility. There are so many things wrong with my marriage that it doesn't make sense to go on. I have only stayed this long for my kids' sake, but he doesn't have a close relationship with them. He talks to them, and disciplines them, but he rarely does anything with them, except take them to the movies. Still, I know that they need him in their lives, so I will make sure that they are able to spend as much time with him as they want.
Unfortunately, I cannot make a change yet. You see, I just had an abdominal hysterectomy 2 wks ago, so I'm really needy right now. My oldest is only 12, so I need my H to take care of me until my 6 wks are up. We even got into it at the hospital, because I could count on one hand the number of hours he visited me there in 3 days. I didn't have anyone else, and his excuse was that it brought up bad memories of his grandmother who died twenty years ago. I'm sorry, but I'm tired of being neglected or mistreated because he had an unfit mother and absent father. I know that he had it rough, but my upbringing was no fairy tale either. At 36, it's about time to get it together and stop blaming the past for present behavior.
I apologize for rambling, but today was an emotional day for me. I think having this surgery stirred something inside me. Part of me is very afraid to make a change, because I am alone here, without any family or close friends, and there are 3 little people depending on me. Then there's my H, who is now afraid of being abandoned by me. He is on his best behavior, saying all the right things and being very attentive, but I know that he will soon lapse into his old self. That's been our pattern forever, and I'm just tired. It'll be easier when he f***s up like he usually does to separate.
Thanks for being here!