I am new to this board...things have been going on for awhile now but everything is still so confusing to me. Everything is so jumbled I am not sure I can get this clearly out. I guess it all first began with my H. He had what he says was only an EA. He didn't tell me about it I found out on my own. Let's just say I was livid. We had always had a hard marriage in my eyes. H always emotionally distant. We have three kids...and he speaks to us like we are in boot camp and he is our drill Sgt. So when he had this EA he was showing signs that he was fooling around. When this started I was at one of those times where I thought our marriage was going better than usual. Then all of a sudden he starts sleeping on the couch every night when we didn't even have an argument. So I find out about this OW when he was out on a date with her. He took the car and I couldn't find the other keys anywhere. Then all of a sudden his password to get on his screen name popped into my head. He had only told me once a long time before. I was able to read a few of their emails to each other. He deleted a lot of them...they also IM'd each other a lot. He told her a lot of lies...I was thinking that sure was a good way to start off a relationship. But reading the emails I couldn't really blame the OW. So after years of trying to keep my marriage together I was done. We were going to get a divorce. But living pay check to pay check we couldn't afford for one of us to just move out. We decided to take our time and live in the same house but seperately. So after a while of doing this I meet OM. It seemed as if he was going through a lot of the same things I was. It was purely a friendship for a long time. Then it crossed that line and became an affair. Okay I guess I could write a book on this...how it happened, why, and my emotional state etc. OM was married with one child. He was persuing me but not that it matters now. My H knew of me dating someone. We had even become friendly and he would say that I looked nice, or I would ask if I looked okay. OM knew exactly what the birth control situation was. I even bought him condoms for back up, two different kinds. But to move the story along I ended up pregnant. The H knew about the same time I did. He usually knew with our kids too. I had my beliefs about abortion. My husband knew how I felt about it. But even though I was working I couldn't see how I could bring a baby into this world...I was struggling financially to get out of the marriage with the three kids I had. But my husband was really worried that emotionally I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I got an abortion. We talked and talked...and I had the abortion appointment. The first appointment was like a counseling appointment then I made the appointment for the actual abortion. Okay the whole time the OM knew what was going on. I was still dating him when I found out I was pregnant, and called and told him within minutes of the test. He didn't offer to pay for half, he didn't offer to take a day off work to help me get to and from. NOTHING no support what so ever. I needed my H to take care of our 3 kids. So I needed help with this procedure. Well, I couldn't go through with it. My thougtht was I had the decision to get an abortion or not...so I was going to leave the OM out. But(this is my view)we made that decision when we laid down, why was I taking ALL the heat for it. I went through the whole pregnancy with him verbally abusing me. I was nothing but nice when he would call me names. OH BTW I found out around 10 weeks it was twins. I told him while I was pregnant to tell his wife...but he thought if he was really mean he would scare me into keeping my mouth shut.
This is really hard to keep short. But I am still dealing with a lot of issues. I REALLY didn't want more kids. We made a decision for my H get a vasectomy after our third child. I feel like I am going through a depression still because of the changes it has put on me. I can't work because daycare for five would eat up more than I probably make. Infant care for two is outrageous. Last summer my husband worked all the OT he could get so we could make ends meet. The older three kids didn't really get a summer break because with the twins I needed the extra help since H was always gone. Not to mention how this has impacted the older kids. I can't do things with them like I used to...like go to the movies. I am lucky when I get out of the house to go get groceries once a week. Lat night was really hard each baby woke up at least twice so I got like 2 hours sleep total. I am living the consequences to my actions daily. This OM hasn't done hardly a darn thing for us. I have total empathy for the OMW, she had no clue. When the babies were 4 months old I was sick of the OM not having any consequences and us struggling so much. So I forced his hand and turned paper work into the state for child support. So when I told him...I was kind enough not to give him a big surprise, or his wife. He then told his wife that weekend. I stopped the action because I agreed to settle on an amount with him. He came up with the amount, I agreed to it because I didn't want his family to struggle. But I know it is a really low amount-most people get more than that for one child. I read the posts and understand why the BS is bitter for the OC and having to pay child support. I love the twins and they bring a lot to my life...but I struggle because it has taken away a lot from me and my family too. I live with the consequences daily. The OM has paid twice (and once wasn't the full amount)but I haven't once called them. With the demand of the twins...some days I wish I just had to write the small check out once a month. Which he has only done twice. The twins are 11 months old, are walking and I don't see my life getting any easier for years. Sorry to vent but some days I feel the weight is so heavy...and the OM isn't paying nearly the price. I gotta go...I don't have time to preview so if I said something wrong I am sorry.

Hi 4tory&natesake,

I think your screen name says it all. You had the twins and now you will provide for them.

I have a set of twins (and they were my first) so I have some idea of what you're going through on that score.

I think you are completely justified in seeking child support from OM. But I'd make it legal by filing the papers. The relationship is over, right? He's shown his true colors. And you have two more mouths to feed.

Yes, you knew this could happen. But so did he. I'd make him share in the financial consequences of HIS decisions and not let him off so easily.

Sorry you have to be here posting like this. Perhaps you can find some information on this site that might jumpstart your marriage.

How does your H feel about the situation? Does H agree, or disagree? Is your H willing to raise the twins as his? Does H want to adopt OC's? Do you want to save your marriage? Is H pushing you to get OM to pay for medical bills, day-care, etc., or is this your idea?

I say, be open and honest with your husband. Do not have any communication with OM, only with your H's knowlege.

I was raised in a poor family, I worked hard, and am now comfortable. But, I, now have a different view of life. Money just isn't so important. It just pays the bills, and the bills get bigger.

Some communities have free counseling.

I have a friend who is in a similar situation, except, her H left. Now she has to get support from MM. She also has twins, and two children of the marriage. She cannot not make ends meet, and is now going after CS.

You at least still have your H, and your marriage. your H must be sticking around because he still loves you. Tell him how you feel, he might agree.

I will say a prayer for you.

Wishing you well, and hoping the hurt will heal.

ember

My husband is very supportive when it comes to the twins situation. He has been raising the twins as his, he loves them very much. I have always wanted my marriage to work...I have been married over 12 years and it always seemed like I was the only one working at it. I grew up without knowing my father (he died) so we know that even if he adopted them they still would want to know their biological father. That is their birth right to know the truth. My huband thinks I am letting him off to easy for his part in this. I made an agreement with the OM on a set(low) amount, and that I wouldn't go after medical and day-care expenses etc. I have always been honest with my H, that is probably why he is still here. Everytime I talk with the OM I let him know. The OM wants a relationship with the twins. His wife is the one keeping him from them. She pretty much said as long as he is with her he can't have a relationship with them but if she left him then he could do what he pleased. The OM has seen the twins without his wife knowing, but my H has known everytime. After what the OM has done to me, there is NO WAY I would want to be with him. I know the OM feels like he almost lost his family, and even though it hurts him not to be able to be more apart of the twins lives he isn't going to press the issue and put more of a strain on his marriage. My H thinks he needs to not be a coward and stand up for his right to be a part of their lives. It isn't going to help his marriage if he can't be honest. It isn't right that his wife said things about never wanting to see the babies so now the OM bottles all the hurt in. At first(after he told his wife) I had talked a lot to the OM because he felt like he didn't(and still doesn't) have anyone else to talk to. I thought he might even go as far as suicide. He knows his wife is hurting and feels like he is walking on egg shells about the issue. So it makes me wonder how many OM's tell their wives they don't want contact or that they are not having contact because they feel it isn't their right to request such a thing when they have already caused their wives/family so much hurt. I told the OM about this board because I think he needs more help. His wife has made him go through counseling through the church but it can't be effective if he can't open up to his wife. The pastor never deals with the issues that lead to the affair, or addresses the issues on what the wife is doing to the husband. Just the issue of the affair, what a bad person he is and what hurt he caused his family. This is about two years of worth of just the OM, but more if you count what was going on in my marriage before the OM. So it is really hard for anyone to understand fully. But here is probably the only place someone could even remotely understand.

I could be mistaken, but I don't think it matters as to what agreement you and Xom made with regards to child support/daycare issues. The CS office only cares if there is enough CS being paid, does it meet state guidelines.

I know of a girl who in divorce court was awarded an amoung of CS lower than the state guidelines. She went to the county to have them collect, and they told her that he is not paying state guidelines and they will change that.

CS is not cut in stone, it can be modified according to your county/state guidelines.

If you had the money to divorce your H, would you do it? I ask this blunt question because your posts leave me wondering whether there has been any kind of marital recovery between the two of you.

As far as to your agreement with the OM, to not press for more CS because you do not want to bankrupt him and his family, I have to ask you, what about your family going bankrupt because he is not paying enough CS? Is it fair that your H and all of your children should pay more than your OM? I'm not trying to be mean to you but I just want you to remind you how unfair this agreement is to your family as a whole.

4tori,
Wow. you are under a lot of stress. Regardless of whether your H and you stay married you are entitiled to CS from the twin's father. What state do you live in?

You need to file for CS through the Courts. You were nice and tried to work it out w/out intervention. Om has proven he is not going to be faithful about making payments. File for CS and request a Wage Garnishment for the CS. Whatever agreement you two made is essentially null and void as he has broken the contract by not following through w/ all payments. tew

If I had the money would I divorce H? Before the A yes I would have. If I won the lottery tonight I would not divorce H. It takes two to make a marriage work. I am willing to work very hard for my marriage as long as he is willing to try. Our marriage is better, and I can see him trying. But it isn't all perfect either. With the twins it puts more of a strain because we can't go out for dinner together, we spend all our energy taking care of them. Two 11 month olds is very time consuming! It is easy to get other people to take the older three kids...even overnight. But the twins it is hard to get someone to take them for two hours.

What eeerrrkkked me yesterday and got me venting was the OM sent me an email. He actually had gotten money automatically deposited out of his check into my account. So now I should be getting it regularly. I didn't realize it came because when the H and I were going to get a divorce I had to get my own checking account. I got it at a different bank. I had the support be put into that account so it is seperate from the household account. But the OM was whining about how this money getting taken out is really hard and how it hurts their finances and on and on. It touched a sore spot because he would tell me he was sending money and never do it. During the winter months my husband brings in 1/2 if not a quarter of what he does during the spring/summer. So I had a lot of bills I couldn't pay and would get late charges...but if he would have just sent some money we could have made ends meet. But not once have I called the OM and harassed him or his family.

As far as the agreement with OM I am fine with it. I am sure if I went to court I could at the very least get $200. more. But seeing that we are a family with 5 kids and he has 1 in his household I am sure I could probably get more. But if he would pay to what we agreed on I think we would be fine. I struggle with this a lot, there is just so many issues that it makes it compicated to write about. Okay I will try, I try to balance out being fair to my family and our quality of living....and I try to balance out the OM's family. I feel for the OMW because I know how loosing that money out of their finances is like salt in her wound. Gesh, my mind just starts to spin just thinking of everything and how to explain it. I read the post of the BS and I sure feel for them...but sometimes I don't think as in my case the OMV is trying to see what this has done to my family. I would like a little help from them (not financially). She doesn't work, and has one kid. I am dreading and fearing this summer having to meet 5 kid's needs all summer long. But in the same breathe, if she can't treat the twins as she would if she was at least babysitting someone else's children I wouldn't want to subject my babies to that. So it is a constant struggle. At times I am getting mad feeling like this "no contact" thing is just so easy and convenient for OM and his family. When OMW decided to stay with her husband shouldn't that mean that she has accepted that he needs to take care of his responsibility for these kids more than just financial. What if I was a bad mom...or my husband mistreated his kids. Shouldn't a man take enough responsibility in their child's lives to make sure they are raised properly? Okay I know I am opening a can of worms with that. I don't want OM in my life, I would gladly deal with the OMV and she can set up all the boundaries she wants. I have proven I am not out to get them, or want to call and harass them. I wouldn't find it to be an open door into their life. I have never asked how much he makes....as far as I know he can be bringing home more than twice of what my husband does. What about my lost wages because of the daycare costs. Because of their lack of involvement or concern makes me want to take them to court for more money so I could afford daycare, I could afford a babysitter to take the older kids to the movies or for H and I to go to a nice dinner. That is why this board is so great, maybe a OMW will at least ask the OW about her needs and wants and try to negotiate something that would work best for both families. I would be SOOOOOO happy if the OM& OMW would say they would babysit the twins 2 times in the summer to give me a break and to go enjoy something with the older kids! I know I am writing a novel here! SORRY-if you could only be in my head for a second to see the whirlwind of issues. It gives me a headache trying to see things from both sides and trying to make the best decision. Thanks for listening, your support and comments/advice!

4tori, don't speak to OM, or have contact. Let the courts decide. Work on healing your marriage only.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. You can't force unwanted contact of OM's marriage. But a financial responsibility for CS still exist.

You stated it was hard for anyone to watch the twins. Two 11 month old's are an awful lot for a person that is not the parent. Maybe if you split the twins up, like Aunt Mae would watch one of them and your oldest child. Sis would watch one baby, and maybe, someone, the other two. This is just a suggestion. This has worked out well for someone I know with 4 children. All of them together is too much, so they split the kids up for a night out, or a week-end.

Good luck.

ember

ember, thanks for the suggestion. I wouldn't want to force the OMW to take the twins. That is kind of what I was getting at...that I wouldn't want to subject the twins to her anyway.

As for the twins, I only have my mom and my sister that could babysit them. My mom has babysat maybe twice for about two hours or so each time. It is just a lot for her. My sister isn't big on the infant/toddler age so maybe when they are older she will help me out some with them.

I have already promised myself if the OM slips up just one more time concerning the support that I was going to go back through the state. I also need to get on his case so I at least have something in writing!

You said, "get it in wtiting". Good advice!

I would like to share a part of my life, with this advice.

I had a shotgun wedding. In those days, the father would either marry you, or you disappeared for awhile, and gave the baby up for adoption.

My teen-age marriage lasted 3 years. My teenage H and I split up when he turned 21 and thought that the other side was greener. We split when I was 3 months pregnant with a two year old.

I have now been married to my H for 30 years.

When my oldest child, from my young marriage,turned 18, I had a strange phone call from my boss. He said to call this #, it's an emergency from my ex-H, whom I had not spoke to in years.

I called the #, and the answer was, "Sheriffs department".

They had stopped my exH on a traffic violation, and found he had not paid his CS for 18 yrs.

I said, "Let him go. Where were you guys when I tried to get CS all these years?"

The cop said, "Lady, this man owes you a lot of $$$." I still told them to let him go.

The cop said,"Lady, I wish my exW were like you."

Two years later, it happened again. This time I had to get a notarized statement to let him off. I still chuckle over both incidents.

The point is, always get it in writing.

ember

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 4tori&natesake:
<strong> When OMW decided to stay with her husband shouldn't that mean that she has accepted that he needs to take care of his responsibility for these kids more than just financial.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

No it doesn't mean that...it would be nice if everyone wanted to care for the kids...but his wife is not obligated in any way...and he is only obligated financially.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"No it doesn't mean that...it would be nice if everyone wanted to care for the kids...but his wife is not obligated in any way...and he is only obligated financially"

OH MY I know what I was saying wasn't really rational. I hadn't got much sleep, I have been up so much with the babies. I was just in dream land wishing that the OM had to take more responsibility. As for the OMW I know this isn't in any way her responsibility. The truth is even if I had the money I wouldn't probably hire a babysitter. I would worry too much. I would have to hire two people for me to feel a little at ease!