No, I don't mean why'd he have an OC? We'll never know that. Here's the problem:

My DH and I have arguments on and off about OC and the affair even though it happened 5 yrs ago. Maybe it seems to simmer because there's a child left behind. But anyway, I made a really bad comment about the child, not personally, but I described what her existence made me feel like, and feel like doing. He was mad at me understandably. But he made matters worse when he went back to the mother and told her what I said. Since it was about her child too, he felt she needed to know. HUH??? Not only did I question his loyalty but I wondered what in the world that was supposed to prove or help?

Its possible that in the not so distant future, we may be moving closer to where she is - not by our choice (military) and he's worried. I wondered why. He hasnt been having as much contact as before unless he's being dishonest about it. He's paying child support, finally. So what's the big deal? I guess he hopes he can see her, we know she demands he see her, esp being so close. But she swears I cannot be within 2 ft of the child. Sorry honey, but the last time I sent my hubby overseas alone he came back a daddy and the kid wasnt mine. What makes you think I'd let YOU be 2ft near him and I'm not around. What makes her think that of all people, SHE can make demands? She's using the child as leverage and it sucks.

If hubby had to choose, he'd choose me and our family (3kids). He already has. He just didn't think it had to be a final choice. What arrangements could we make to ease this situation? Suggestions, PLEASE!!! We don't talk anymore, we argue.

michelle,

How to go about setting up visitation, when the OW doesn't want YOU (the BS) near the child whatsoever?

My first suggestion is to file for the visitations. In the request that is filed for the court make sure to ask that the exchanges be arranged at third party location, a grocery store parking lot, restaurant, park... etc. Somewhere that there are other people and can help to cut down on any outbursts from either side of the situation.
As his wife, you have a right to be with your husband. The OW cannot exclude you from being at exchanges. She can try... but the only way that she can keep you from contact with her child is if you have made any " viable threat to the health and well-being of the child."
(Someone correct me if I am wrong)
By filing legally in court for visits, when the judgement is given it may be enforced. Your H will have a court document to show police if the OW keeps the child from him... and should she try to play mindgames like that, it can be documented and proven.

We had the same problem. OW wanted to exclude me from exchanges... went so far as to ask that the courts make me move out of the house while H had Lil Bit (OC) for his visitation time. They told her that was ridiculous and that she had no right to try to force me out of my home or to try to keep me from going to exchanges.
Nearly 2 yrs later, she deals only with me. H stays home or in the house at exchanges.
Things have definitely changed.

Good Luck to you. And keep posting and reading.
It can only help you in your recovery journey.

Gosh, it sounds like your xWS is still kind of in a fog, maybe?

If your one love buster sent him running to the xOW for sympathy, all I can say is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> that's not very good. How could he not know that the remark made by you would only create more tension?? It was like an act of hostility toward you or something??

But all hope is not lost!

Have you guys read Surviving An Affair by Dr.Harley yet?

I think your husband, since he is interested in recovery, needs to read the part about the Rules of Protection.

Here is a quote from the book:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Easy access to a former lover must be avoided at all costs.

Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.

If there is a failure to totally separate from a lover, it usually means that the measures taken to guarantee separation are inadequate.

When anger wins, love loses.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like in this case, your anger got the best of you and sent your xWS running to the xOW. Become an expert at meeting his emotional needs so that the xOW will be a non-issue! Good luck!