My brothers are both still deployed and gone. We hear that they will be back at the beginning of August. My husband is kinda back, but still deployed. He is now stationed at a base 8 hours from us. Hopefully that will not last too long, but they think he will be there until October.

Anyway, he has his cell phone since he is back in the states. I was dumb enough to look at the bill. So far, I haven't even spoken to him about this, but right now I just feel like wringing his neck. You all probably remember that I have a ton of suspicions about him. He is just a flirt that needs a female "friend" all the time, and I suppose I am not good enough.

Anyway the bill shows that even in just the last two weeks he has exceeded his contracted minutes by a ton. First off, the calls from or to me or my mother or his mother or his sister or our sunday school teacher are not counted against his minutes because we all use the same company. He has no other friends that he will admit to and tells me that he doesn't talk to anyone else. He also knows that I can get the details of his bill- who he calls, not incoming, and has made a point in the past not to call anyone from his cell that I wouldn't approve of and erases the history before I see it. So, the bill for two weeks shows that he has talked to me or his mother, etc for 553 minutes. That's a lot, but it's been awhile since we had contact. He has called no one except us and once he called a pizza place. Anyway, three days into the bill he started getting incoming calls that was NOT from me or his mother or etc. These incoming calls total 1178 minutes. I am wondering if he called the girl he flirted with before he left maybe from a calling card or something to let her know he was back and now she knows she can call him again or maybe he has met someone new. I just don't see how he can talk to me and his children and his family for half the time that he enjoys these incoming calls. This is how it was before he left. Ooooooh it just irks me.

And when he does talk to me he is usually just watching tv and zoning out or telling me that he can't talk because he's busy with military stuff. There have even been a few days when he just got mad at me for seemingly nothing and would not talk to me until the next evening. Lots of incoming calls during those times. And one time I remember him saying "you would be better off with someone else who didn't hurt you in the past and someone you wouldn't be suspicious of." Then another time he said "why don't YOU ever call me?" I normally let him call me since I figured he would be busy doing military stuff, thought I was being nice. So I start calling him, but he doesn't answer.

When he first got deployed, I begged him to please tell anyone he had flirted with that he was going to war and to let that be the end of it. I felt like this was a clear opportunity to close that door without hurting any feelings. (Since he's so non-controversial and doesn't want to hurt feelings.) Obviously he has started up with someone again, getting "iminent danger pay" did not affect this old habit. I feel like he has the tendencies to destroy and I just don't know how to smack the smart into him...

The kids are going to regret his actions or maybe they are small enough that when he comes up with someone else for them to call mommy that they won't remember... I guess I'm just hurting and needed to vent. You're right I have no proof and I never do. Well, except for these two children. I guess they are proof of two affairs. Of course I only suspicioned before they were born too. But the other affairs, no you're right it's mostly just the way he acts and the suspicious things I see. Auuuuuugghhhghgh

First of all, don't ever think that you're not good enough. You are a loving, forgiving person with a heart so big you were able to take your h's oc in as your own. You deserve tremendous appreciation and respect from your h. He is lucky to have a woman like you.

I hate to say that several red flags went up for me when you described your h's behavior but, you're right, there's no damning evidence.

Talk with your h. If he is not willing to help you develop a poja that you can both be happy with, then you will have to decide if you can continue to live with his behavior.

Good luck to you!

A few days have passed now aimee, are you okay?

It must hurt a lot when your H won't answer your calls. That would infuriate me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

How are the kids doing?

It sounds like your H is probably stressed out and pressured but it's no excuse to allow other women to meet his emotional needs and lie to you. I'm sorry! Hopefully his assignment will end and he can be home full-time and be able to work through these new problems.

Marriage is constant work, constant adjustments, constantly ready to forgive mistakes, just work, work, work! Hang in there!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for asking. We went to see hubby over Sat - Tues. We stayed at a hotel just outside base. Hubby had to work except for Monday but he spent the evenings with us. He inadvertently (yeah right) left his phone at the barracks the first day and when I mentioned it he threw a fit. "Fine, you wanna snoop, you can look at anything you want, you'll never trust me...blahblahblah." He forgot his phone again the next night and I told him that it just would have been easier to call him than wonder how much longer till he got there. We had wanted to go out and were unsure as to whether we should wait or not. He did bring his phone the next night, but left it in his car. I saw it in his console when we were on our way out to dinner (in my car since the car seats were in mine) and said thanks for bringing it along. He threw a fit again saying that I wanted to snoop and practically threw the phone at me to see that nothing was there. Interestingly all of the history was erased except a call from his commander's office just minutes before he got to the hotel. Hmmmmmm. Anyway, he took the phone with us to dinner and I almost laughed when I noticed that he had it turned off (can't get any incoming calls that way huh!!!). Maybe I should be glad that he is respecting our marriage and not flaunting it (whatever it is) in my face. Unfortunately it is easy to see that he is hiding something. Even if it is just someone he is talking to and not seeing, that is too much for me. I just don't feel like that is appropriate and I don't feel like he is to a point where he can stop it from going further.

I figure if I can fulfill his self-esteem needs then most everything else will fall in place. I tried over and over to say nice things to this man. I tried to be sexy for him. I tired to laugh with him and be silly. I tried to build him up and told the children so he could hear that they have a good daddy. Etc. It just seemed that no matter what I did I got no reaction from him at all. Even the sex was just nothing. (We had a two room suite btw.) He seemed bored and even turned down sex several times. When he decided, he hardly kissed me or any foreplay and just went straight for the goal (skipped my goal btw). If I said hardly anything to him, he found a reason to argue. I tried not to show how discouraged I felt, but that was tough. If it had been a little vacation time for me and the kids it would have been really nice. We had a good time. We played in the pool and we went to a movie and we took the kids to Chucky Cheese. But since we really went to see hubby, it was a bit disappointing.

I'm praying that he will realize that his actions are affecting all of us and that he will be the man I believe he can be. I'm going to try not to say anything negative to him and increase my positives and hope he'll turn around.

aimee2,

I am so sorry that you H is bing this way! I wish I knew what to say, or had some perfect answer to your H's behaviour! Yes, by all accounts provided here, he seems to be hiding something. It also seems he feels guilty about it, as he blows up every time you mentioned the phone to him. Of course, common sense says that if you keep bugging him about it, he will just get more withdrawn from you. But, on the other hand, if you don't let him know it's bothering you, or that you suspect something, it will just fester inside, and cause even more problems. Kinda like a loose/loose situation, if you think about it!

Maybe if you could say something like, "Honey, I know that my need to know seems like snooping for you. I am trying to build that trust for you back up, and it would help a lot if you would tell me these things and just be open about them. I just want to make a better life with you, and want you to know that I am here for you, whatever and whenever you need me." Something like that. It's enough of an apology from his side of it, and an explination to him from your side of it.

I don't know, just something that came to mind when I read your new post. Hope it helped <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Tigger