Desperately need advise.
My boyfriend and I have been together since high school (we are both 23) We split up for 2 years (the relationship after high school has always been long distance-about 2 hours) 3 months after we got back together he cheated on me for the first time. I have been told that long distances relationships are always hard because the physical aspect is never present which i can understand. The girl he cheated on me with became pregnant and now he is the proud father of a baby girl. I am having the hardest time dealing with this situation. He says he wants to be with me and has asked me to forgive him and reassures me over and over that i am the only woman for him and that he is sorry and it was just a moment of weakness. This year will be his first year playing professional football. He has always said that because of that fact that he is now a professional football player that i am the only woman that he would ever trust in knowing that i love him for the right reasons. I believe him because of the fact that he comes from a family where he saw the pain his father caused his mother by cheating and leaving her to raise 3 kids on her own. He is a very honest person.

my question is. is it possible for a man to make a mistake like this and still be capable of being faithfull to someone? I am having such a hard time trusting him. when ever i feel like he is lying i always question him and he will prove to me he wasnt and i end up feeling foolish. I dont want to destroy what we have. and to top everything off his time is very demanding and the free time he does have is split between the new baby and myself. It hurts me to see him spend time with her. I am so scared that the OW will try to use that child as a weapon to get him. Any thoughs or advise will greatly be appreciated.

The child is his and it always will be so it will always be a part of his life. If you're not happy about it now (I'm not suggesting you should/shouldn't be either), you aren't going to be happy about it later.

I am so scared that the OW will try to use that child as a weapon to get him.
Since you have no real commitment (marriage) to each other and he has something with her (a child), it is very possible she could do this/he could end up with her.

Kim,

My short answer to this question:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">is it possible for a man to make a mistake like this and still be capable of being faithfull to someone?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">is yes.

My quick advice to you is to cut this man out of your life. You're not married to him, and you're definitely not starting out in a great situation. Find someone who you won't be carrying this baggage with.

I would also suggest that you get one of Harley's newest books: Buyer's, Renters, and Freeloaders, as well as take a brief test that appeared in the latest edition of the MB newsletter (posted here). To have a successful marriage, you need to follow the basic four rules of MBing (sustaining romantic love):

Protection (no lovebusting)
Care (meeting important emotional needs)
Honesty (absolute)
Time (15 hours/week)

I normally tell people in your situation to run, because you're not married. You don't have to put up with this situation. I understand that you have a feeling of committment, but it's not the same thing. Add to that the fact that he will be a professional athlete---you're very unlikely to have a marriage that survives. Pro athletes have a very difficult schedule that makes that 15 hours/week quality time nearly impossible (it can be done). Pro athletes are often in situations where affairs are easily accessible---women are "available" and several of their collegues are doing it.

Add that on top of the fact that he will be caring for this child and have a relationship with her for the rest of his life.

Wish him good luck, and walk away.

One thing i forgot to mention. I have addressed the issue of this other woman in his life and i get the feeling he doens't have much respect for her. he has told me that even if he and i were not together he still would not be with her. He says that there is nothing she can do to take him from me. as much as he conforts me about the situation i am still scared.

Kim,

To give you an idea of my situation, my wife had an affair that resulted in a child being conceived. This was five years ago. We are together and doing well in our marriage, and that child is "our" third. The OM has no contact with us or the child.

This was a hard process for me to get through. We have been successful, but the reasons I did this were:

1. A love for my wife, and a 15 year shared history.

2. A recognition of bad marital behaviors on my part that I felt I could correct to help improve our marriage

3. Strong moral and religious convictions concerning marriage and divorce.

4. Our two children (the strongest reason)

5. All the practical reasons---financial, emotional, etc...

Those are all great reasons to try to save a marriage. You're trying to save a relationship where many of these things are irrelevant. You love this guy. You have a briefer shared history. Step back and imagine this was a girlfriend of yours, or better yet, someone you really didn't know. I think for YOUR welfare, you'd be better off moving on. If you can look at this unemotionally, I bet you'll agree.

<small>[ June 13, 2003, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: K ]</small>

kim,,,, the 2 reasons i have a hard time understanding why people stay in a relationship are, 1 - the one where a spouse is a multiple time cheater and 2 - the one such as yours where a bf/gf has an affair and oc and they the betrayed partner continues on.

i mean no disrespect by this but you are so young and have so much life in front of you that i don't understand bogging yourself down with this type of baggage. i know you feel like your relationship has been forever but you will meet so many more interesting people in the next few years it will boggle your mind.

i know it is had but try and take k's advice and step back from this and view it from the 3rd person. or simply ask yourself what you would honestly advise your closest girl friend to do if she were in your shoes.

you have some tough decisions to make and i wish you luck with them, pops