I just can't do it.

It is too hard to say what I want to say. I am a other child, and have never had contact with my father.

It is just too hard.

sorry

<small>[ June 20, 2003, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: aloneandaway ]</small>

I am glad you wrote...I feel your pain. I was raised not knowing my father. It seemed like the pain got worse as I got older, especially once I had kids of my own. You need to try to express your feeling, especially trying to give us insight since you are an adult OC. Try not to bash others here we are all trying to work through our problems too. Maybe you should try once to contact your father and do it in a discreet non confrontational manner. Maybe you can get answers to help you heal. I know my H has a child out of wed lock. The mother of the child has done a lot to keep us out of the childs life. We sent a card because he just turned 13, we know our check was cashed but we never hear a thing. Have no idea what his interests are, what he looks like, but we think of him often. Hope he will try to look us up when he is older!
But I think you at least deserve some answers, try and get them. Expect the worst....but maybe it will come out better than you thought. He helped get you on this earth he can at least give you a few minutes to anwer some questions. Good luck!

Take a deep breath and vent. Most here are parents and hate to see a child in pain.
Those of us who have no contact don't do it to punish the child.
This whole situation is a mess that we have to deal with in a manner that works for Us it is not always one that benefits the OC. I will acknowledge that fact.
Before you totally trash your father, be sure to hear his side of the story. There always two side of a situation, in our case there is also a 3rd side.
But I don't think anyone will mind if you vent/rant, just don't bash anyone else here for decisions made YOU do not agree with.

Take care of yourself. \
Texasgirl

I don’t know why I even started this. I came to this site because I have issues in my marriage, I guess you could say I have problems with trust and getting close to people. I saw this topic and it took me a long time even to read it.

I’m glad you all have a support group, I don’t want to bash anyone, and I won’t. I just have some questions I want to make you aware of, from someone who has lived the choices you are making.

Do you know what it feels like to not know the history of half your genetic material? One of the first questions we ask when we get to know people is “what are you”, are you Italian, German, whatever. I know what I am from my mother’s side, but that is it. When did my father’s people come to America. Do I have Grandparents that are alive, half-siblings?

Do anyone of you know what it feels like to be 10 years old and wonder what is so terribly wrong with you, how you could possibly be so evil and vile that your father won’t even acknowlede that you exist, to never get from him a birthday card, a Christmas gift, to have someone mess your hair, give you a piggy-back ride? As an adult, I have answers to these questions, his guilt, shame, no iterest, trying to protect his spouse, etc. But as a kid, I just can’t describe what if felt like. It has shaped my being and the type of adult I am today. I don’t know if all other children, as you all call them, feel this way. I jsut know that I do.

I am not a troll, I couldn't be that mean and I got to stop this because I hate crying and this really isn't making me feel better.

I am truly sorry for the pain that you feel. I can't speak for any other bs's on the board, but I certainly wish no ill will towards the oc. The oc, bs and children of m are definitely the victims in these situations.

You didn't mention anything about whether your mother received cs from him. This is probably a stupid question, but do you know for certain that your father knows about you? Have you ever tried to contact him?

[QUOTE]Originally posted by stephmac1974:
<strong>I am truly sorry for the pain that you feel. I can't speak for any other bs's on the board, but I certainly wish no ill will towards the oc. The oc, bs and children of m are definitely the victims in these situations.

You didn't mention anything about whether your mother received cs from him. This is probably a stupid question, but do you know for certain that your father knows about you? Have you ever tried to contact him?</strong>[/QUOTE

My mother was a teenager when she got pregnat with me. I am an only child. My Mom never married or even dated that I'm aware of. She never wanted to, that is what she says. No, she never had child support(this was the 60's and I don't know what the laws were then). I never tried to contact my father. My Mom says that she didn't know that he was married, I don't know, I have never heard her lie though. She would never talk about my Dad when I was a kid, never. She told me this stuff when I was in college. I just kept pressing until I got some answers, my Mom is a stubborn woman.

I forgot. She said that he didn't want anything to do with her once she told him she was pregnant; and I don't think she wanted anything to do with him once she found out that he was married. For all I know, she wouldn't let him have any contact with me. She says she offered . . . but who knows? I believe her. I know his name. It is on my birth certificate. I just can't make contact after all these years. He chose not to be in my life. I just have to accept that.

<small>[ June 20, 2003, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: aloneandaway ]</small>

As a betrayed spouse, my biggest fear is the OC would show up and be very angry. Which from her perspective, I would think would be justifiable. Currently our OC is 9 yrs old. I have a son who is also 9 yrs old, I worry about how he react to learning about his father's affair this way.
We believe if she wants to contact her father her mother will contact us and see about some favorable resolutions. Otherwise, she may show up on our doorstep, like I said an angry, hurt 18 year old (or older).
Myself, I am curious about her, but I fear she would be a disruptive presence in our lives. See, it isn't an easy situation. You must do what works for you. Have you seen a counselor to deal with those feelings you have?
I guess the first step is getting his name and just contacting him. Some people would be thrilled others, wouldn't want it. Are you prepared for more rejection if he does not want to meet you and talk about "Why"?
Before you do this you might talk to your mom, or someone who supports you emotionally and deal with this. I hope you will not find more pain

texasgirl

I don't think that your spouse's daughter will show up on your doorstep. What is on to say? "Hi, I'm the [censored] child that you threw away like a used kleenex, how have you been these 30 odd years?" I don't know if she will ever contact you, but it would just be to damn hard for me to do. I'm sorry that this causes you pain. Has your husband ever seen his daughter? A picture? I he curious? Does he ever think of her? I wish I knew these things.

<small>[ June 20, 2003, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: aloneandaway ]</small>

I know my MM fear was being outed and destroying his marriage. It really didn't mean he never wanted to be able to be apart of his child's life. But the chances of having a relationship with the child would increase the chances of his wife finding out about the A. So if you tried to contact him so you weren't "outing" him you might be able to get his perspective. Maybe the answers will be different than you think. The possibilities are endless, but for you to start to heal I think you should at least try to get some answers so you can at least move on. Divorce rate is so high maybe he isn't even with the same wife anymore. So maybe he would be able to have a relationship with you now.
It must have been so hard on your mom to be an unwed mother back in that time. I know my mom with three kids and trying to make it in the work force when not too many moms worked was hard.
I hope except for missing the experience without your father you had a good life growing up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 4tori&natesake:
<strong>I know my MM fear was being outed and destroying his marriage. It really didn't mean he never wanted to be able to be apart of his child's life. But the chances of having a relationship with the child would increase the chances of his wife finding out about the A. So if you tried to contact him so you weren't "outing" him you might be able to get his perspective. Maybe the answers will be different than you think. The possibilities are endless, but for you to start to heal I think you should at least try to get some answers so you can at least move on. Divorce rate is so high maybe he isn't even with the same wife anymore. So maybe he would be able to have a relationship with you now.
It must have been so hard on your mom to be an unwed mother back in that time. I know my mom with three kids and trying to make it in the work force when not too many moms worked was hard.
I hope except for missing the experience without your father you had a good life growing up.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You might be right, I'm just not able to take the chance. It is not that I'm mad . . . I'm just so profoundly sad about the whole thing. I guess I just believe if he wanted to contact me, well he would of. Does that make sense?

It makes sense. I can hear your father saying the same words. Not wanting to disrupt your life. Get your wife to call him...but make sure not to "out" him. Have her ask if he is willing to have lunch with you just so you can meet him. Don't be there when she calls. To me, if he got off free and clear from your mom. Never had to pay a dime...the least he can do is face you. Maybe he will be a coward or maybe he was just waiting for you to make the move. I would want to at least know a few answers. I went on an adoption board and people that post on there are just not people that were adopted but people that never got to know a parent also. It is really hard even as adults to know who you are if you never are able to find out where you came from. Do you have kids? What about when you have kids you won't know that side of the families health history. With the twins, my son had a heart murmur and was tongue tied from his dads side. But when I was pregnant he said there was nothing I needed to be concerned about health wise. Plus his mother died of cancer...shouldn't I know this for our daughter? Ultimately you need to do what ever you can live with. Because you could feel like you were rejected again. If you do try to phone him...make sure you have support set up if it doesn't go well.

alone and away,
I'm sorry for your pain. I wish we could sit down for a heart-to-heart, but there is this board, and you could benefit from counseling.

You mention being born in the 60s, when being the child of a single parent was more unusual, so you felt a father's absence more keenly. It doesn't sound like you had any substitute male-role-model either.

If your mother had given you up for adoption like many single mothers used to do, you would ALSO not know your mother's biological side of the family... I've read that @50% of adopted kids want to know their birth parents, while the other half mostly don't care. You fall into the want-to-know half.

We can give you answers as to how the fathers-of-OC are coping in our situations, but that will not answer how your OWN bio-father felt. Each situation is different, and your bio-dad came from a different era, one where people were encouraged to pretend bad/tragic things (infidelity, OCs, miscarriages, deaths, rape, etc.) never happened, just "go on" with life, period, ignoring any feelings they might have.

I had an uncle who had 2 OC (by different women)in the 60s; one he denied in court, the other he paid some ch-support for but only saw once. I think he is a reflection of his era... I know being an OC hurts you, but it's not necessarily *personal*, not like he meant to reject you, but how the man was encouraged to handle it by his family and society. Does that make sense?

Gotta run for now. Best wishes for your healing,
J

4tori:

The medical history and the genetic issues are the only reason that I sometimes feel compelled to make contact. I've weighed the issue for many years, and have made the decision to just let it be. Maybe I'm a coward also . . .

Jenny:

I was born in 1967. Being a child of a single parent was much less common, at least I didn't know many.

As an adult this "fatherless" thing is much less painful, time does heal. It was very hard as a child. You just don't have the intellectual capacity to deal with all these issues when you are young.

I'm sorry, I have to say that being the other child is personal to me, it is what I am. But, I'm also a husband, a father, a lot of things.

I don't wish to contact my father, it would be to hard for me to do. I'm 36 years old and too much time has passed.

This conversation has gotten more personal than was my intension. But, that is fine I guess.
I just wanted to give you all some perspective from someone who has known this situation a lot longer than most of you have. These are very big decisions you are dealing with, and can affect many people for longer than you may realize.

I wish you all the best.

<small>[ June 21, 2003, 08:26 AM: Message edited by: aloneandaway ]</small>