It has been a long time since posting.

Today my divorce was final. It has been 2yrs and 3months since D-Day. I thought D-Day was tough, it was nothing compared to today. I have never felt so sad and empty. I could not even look my husband in the eyes today at court. I sobbed through the whole legal talk in the judges chamber, I am not even sure I remember what was said. Tonight I am just drained. This has been a horribly bitter divorce. I am hoping that all the hurtful words my husband has said to me over the past few months, are just his guilt and anger towards himself. He has truely lost a lot from the consequencs of this A. His job, his self-respect, his relationship with our children, both adults, his home, half of what we have worked for over 28 years, and what has he gained? A very disfunctional volatile relationship.

The first year and half I tried my best to make it all work out. Listened to WS telling me how sorry he was, and how he wanted marriage to work out. I accepted the fact of the 2 OC, it was difficult, but not impossible. But the fact was WS and OW could not be trusted.

I think one of our downfalls was not going through the courts for visitation. Another problem was OW and WS would not stop contact, as advised by 2 different therapists. They did not see the harm in discussing daily trivial events, they continued to work together, and slowly left me out of any discussions regarding the OC.
I was the outsider, and eventually I was resented by both WS and OW in my participation with the OC. Mainly because the oldest OC started becoming attached to me, and OW told me in the beginning she would not under any circumstances be involved in joint custody, she was already experiencing that with her exH and her other child. WS felt that I was controlling the visits, I guess that was the 23 year stay at home mom in me.

So since separation in Sept., my hope was that WS would somehow come out of his fog, it never happened, within a couple of months he moved in with OW, and there was no way he could ever make a decision to come back. That is what hurts the most. I feel he never took time on his own to see where he should end up. She immediately took the opportunity to have him spend all free time with her and the OC. She continued to tell him that those OC needed a full time father. Hard to compete with that, plus a 15 year age difference between OW and myself

So on this sad note, I wish you all the best. I will continue to look in on you all, but unfortunately I was one of the unsuccessful MBs.
Please overlook any typos, or grammatical errors, this has been a really crummy day.

Tina

(((((((Tina)))))))))

I wish I could be there with you to give you a "real" hug. I'm so sorry for your sadness and I do understand. It can't be easy to turn away from that many years together. Someday, Tina,,,,, someday he will see.

Please, do NOT consider yourself a "unsuccessful MB" story. Tina, the marriage was not saved but YOU,,TINA,,are a success. You discovered the painful knowledge of the affair,,and the 2 OC's and survived. You educated yourself about relationships and possible solutions to this dilema and tried to implement them. Tina, you found strength, compassion and determination that I'm sure you had no idea you possessed. That is success Tina. The fact that your H was unwilling does not make YOU unsuccessful!

Please stick around when you can. You are an important part of this site. Your wise advice, your comforting thoughts and your compassion are always needed here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tina,
I am so sorry things have turned out like this. I know how hard you tried and how much you wanted this to work out.
Please know that it wasnt your fault and that you have done every thing humanly possible to make it work.

You have been such an inspiration to me, and have helped me through alot.
Start doing for you and concentrate on you and your children. Your spouse will wake up one day and realise he has lost it.

write if you need to.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tina}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I wish that I knew what to say! I'm sorry that things ended as they did, but you have survived thus far, and will continue to do so! Please, keep coming here for support from those who "know" what you've been through! And, maybe CDCollins will drop by as well to offer her support too! Remember, she went through something very similar, and is now doing GREAT!

I will pray for your healing!

Love,

Tigger

((((((((((Tina))))))))))))

I agree with Nerlycrzy....YOU are the success....
I'm sad that your divorce was final, but you can now know you did everything humanly possible to keep your end of your vows.

I think of you often....and sending you prayers and hugs....

One day at a time...one day at a time....when I got divorced it took a long while before I felt "ok"...

It is important that you take time for yourself...and we are here via this board or e-mail if you ever need to talk to us or some hugs or just a shoulder....

Love ya!
Twiisty

Hey Tina,
I have read on the divorce board that just because the marriage failed, doesn't mean you are a failure. It takes two people giving their 100% to make it work. If it's only 50-50, where is the other 50 going? It's not your fault that your H was unwilling to give his whole self to your family? That's on him. There is light at the end of the tunnel, keep moving forward. Keep the faith! You deserve to be loved by someone capable of loving you the way God intended for you to be loved. Be expectant! You never know?? It's not too late! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you all my friends for your support. This is still very overwhelming.

Today I had to do a few final things to get everything settled. I had to call WS today to find out when and where I needed to be to sign some papers. After somewhat of an emotional conversation on my part, he said maybe when you get back from your long weekend we could sit down and have a rational conversation.

It is all so simple for him. I told him that I can't imagine at this point in time I could have any rational conversation with him because we both have such conflicting emotions. I never gave up the hope that he would come out of the fog and realize what he was giving up, and he had already moved on years ago, and is already settled in with the new family for at least 6 months now.

He just doesn't get it. Just because the paper is signed does not mean I gave up my love for him. It is still to hurtful emotionally for me to even be near him, let alone have a conversation.

So this weekend I am off with our children and their girlfriend and husband for a trip to see my father. Four days away from here is what I really need.

Again thank you all.

Tina

Tina, I really don't know what to say except I'm thinking of you. You are in my prayers tonight.

A

Tina 71,
I'm so sorry I took so long to reply. I come here once in a while to check on old friends.

I know how much you wanted your marriage to survive.

You did what you could do and it wasn't enough for your H.

As BTDT said it's 50 - 50. Your H wasn't responding to his half of the marriage.

I remember your daughters wedding and how sad you were.

I remember a lot of events where you ended up hurt by your H.

I'm sad things didn't go your way, Tina. Believe me when I tell you that God will bring joy to your life again. All in HIS time. I will pray your sadness soon will be replaced with happiness, you deserve that.

Have a better weekend while visiting your Dad. Enjoy your family. There will be better days.
love
Debi

I know it's WAY too early to be even considering this, but I believe there IS someone out there who will love you with their whole heart. When you are open to receiving it, it will happen. Your exH greatly disappointed you and still seems like he doesn't get that, but he will in time. It will probably be too late for him then, but it's not too late for you. It's never too late for love. Have a restful time-out, regroup, refresh and restore. Allow yourself to grieve, don't try to cover it up. The sooner you get through all the stages of grief, the easier it will be for you to untie yourself from your ex. ((HUGS))