These boards were my haven for a long time and saved my sanity when dealing with infidelity in my marriage over 2 years ago. When at long last it seemed as if everything was back to normal.. even better than normal...sigh....I learn the hard way - NEVER let your guard down. So now I'm back - thank god not for the same issues though. I wasn't quite sure where to post this but these message boards have been the most supportive. If anyone has suggestions of another board this would be more appropriate on please let me know.

I'm not really sure where to start. My husband and I have been together for about 9 years and have two wonderful children together. About a year before we started dating my husband had a brief relationship with this woman, whom at the time had just gotten seperated from her husband. Not to long into the relationship she told my husband she was pregnant. She went to the doctors and based on all the dates she told my husband she was 150% sure this was her husbands baby. She said there was no way it could be my husbands the dates were just too far off. She broke things off with him and went back to her marriage to try to reconcile. My husband and I started dating shortly after and ended up getting married a few years later.

Now, a little over a week ago my husband runs into the woman at a gas station. She tells him that she thinks that her now 9 and a half year old daughter might be his. When she was born she was several weeks late and thinks her dates were wrong. She says her daughter looks a lot like my husband, and her daughter has blue eyes like my husband, her and her Ex-husband have brown.

First let me say I am really upset. This woman has known both my husband and I for 10+ years, we run into her maybe once every 6 months or so. We have all lived in the same area for the past 10 years. My point is she has had ample opportunity to tell us. For the past 9 years she has raised this girl as, her now, Ex-husbands' daughter. She has been in and out of drug rehab, is in a now abusive relationship in which she wants out. Her daughter has been taken away from her twice. Her Ex-husband is now refusing to pay child support and wants to contest paternity, but according to her, he refuses to take a paternity test or pay for one. She said she waited this long because she did not want to start any trouble in my husbands life, but now realizes her daughter needs a better father than her Ex-husband can be.

My husband and I are concerned about her motives, we are just not sure they are genuine. We are very upset she has waited 9 years to come forward and we/he has missed out on that time with his possible daughter. In an effort to try to get some kind of answers we did a cheek swab DNA test Friday of last week. We will not get the results until July 1st, but hopefully sooner.

Right now, not knowing is killing both of us. I can't wait until we know for sure. And then we are faced with when we do find out, if she is his how do we handle that. How do you develop a relationship with a child that is yours but you don't even know? How would I explain this to our children? Why or How could someone be so selfish and keep this from the potential father to their child? She said her daughter has not really had a father in her life. Her Ex-husband has been in and out of jail and when he is out he never wants to see her. We are worried about what kind of life this child might have had so far.

Any advice or comments are appreciated. I just really needed to vent, cry, scream.....ughhh...I dunno.............

DU

DU,

This board is slower, but make sure you start reading alot of the other posts....and check back and forth between here and GQII. I think many people here have had to deal with the same worries....waiting for definite proof, deciding how much to be involved in the childs life, limiting the interference of the OP etc.

In your case, both the xH and this mother seem like pretty shady people, so I think you were smart not to just take her word for it. I would hate to see her manipulate you, but it is possible and definitely something you will have to guard against. I would possible get some legal counsel to make sure that she cannot try to extort money from you or use the child as a weapon.

Waiting for those results must be excruciating!!! I'm so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers and I hope you find some support and kindness here from others who have been in your shoes.

Well try not to get all worried until you know something for sure. July 1st is right around the corner. Cross each bridge as you get to them. Don't get too far ahead of yourself. You might not need to tell your children anything. Obviously she wasn't sure or she would have done something a while back. Sounds like maybe she is struggling to care for the kid if her ex is in and out of jail and not there for them...

So just hang in there until you know for sure. Definitely don't pay a dime until a support order is enforced based on absolute proof!

How is your relationship with your H? Are you guys okay? I think you should take advantage of this time to work on filling each others' ENs and no LBing. I know it's tempting to LB, but it's really an opportunity for you to become closer. Hang in there!

BINthereDUNthat,

Thanks for your advice and kind words. I know July 1st is right around the coner but it seems like forever. Husband and I are doing great, we are closer than we have ever been before. There is no need to LB, she was not an OW just an old girlfriend prior to me, so I have no reason to be mad at H or LB. We are both mad at her because she kept this from us for so long until it was convienent for her to say something. She never stop to think about how her daughter might beneifit from having her (possible) father in her life.

My husband is shocked that I am being so supportive. I was one of those people in the beginning of our marriage that siad I could never do the stepmom thing. I guess now that I think about I don't feel the same. He thought I would want to leave him. After talking we realized we both really feel the same about this.

DU

In most states, you cannot seek paternity of a child after one or two years post birth of child. The man who was married to woman who had child at time of child's birth is presumed the father, whether or not biologically the child is his.

Personally, I think that woman is nuts to seek a new father for her child. That child has grown up for 9years believing that man is her father, not your husband. To tell her something else now is pretty hurtful in my opinion.

You should check out your laws in your state-and I would not have done a DNA test without seeking legal counsel first.

unhappy wife,

We have an appt with our lawyer next Wednesday, the day after we get the results. And yes I agree with you that she is nuts. After she confronted my H with this I called her - basically to let her know where I stand on this - I back my husband 100%. She seemed to not really care about how this would effect anyone even her daughter. She just had this "Oh Well" attitude.

We already did the DNA test, however we did it through a private company and we paid for it therefore we will be receiving the results. My H and I have decided to consult our attorney before passing the results on to this woman.

We live in Maryland, and I'm not sure what the paternity laws are here, I'm checking into that. I am just hoping there is an exception to that rule when the mother lies and hides paternity from the father.

DU

DU,

I'll bet you can find the paternity laws on the internet. Seems to me that Maryland as it all out there.