Is there anyone out there who feels their marriage has truly survived repeated infidelity? I could use some stories of hope about now. If your marriage has not just made it but is truly doing well, I'd love to hear from you. How did you get to the point of being able to trust your WS? What would be the best advice that you could offer someone who is where you have been? Any insight on this topic would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Dear SSJoy,

My H did not have multiple partners, just one OW (that I know of) that he has been in contact again after the A three years ago. I discovered renewed contact this year, after what I thought was a relatively sucessful recovery effort.

I am certainly not recovered, but hoping that we are in true recovery. It has been extremely difficult, almost worse than the first efforts 3 years ago.

I do have a website you have probably already heard about. www.dearpeggy.com, is about a couple that survived multiple affairs. This site will help you answer some of your difficult questions.

Good luck to you. Keep posting.

NOMO

Dear ssjoy:
My husband had a ONS about 15 years ago or so. Since there was no Internet at the time, no one knew about so it was hush=hush, I was devastated but we swept it under the rug and didn't really go through the process of dealing with it.

Now, this A was longer - there was emotions and well as some physical contact. Our M was not really on good ground - just taking everything for granted, etc., etc.

Our recovery - THANKS TO MB - has been great. He immediately (well, within 2 days) stopped contact and has really worked at changing his temper, attitude and everything. I have also, just lately, taken his changes as permanent and started to trust and accept him again. That's difficult after living with someone for almost 19 years one way and then thinking they can change to be a different way.

My FWH does not come here and has not read the book SAA but I have. I guess he is more following my lead in the marriage rebuilding process. We did fill out the questionnaires and go over them.

Living through yet another A is not something I think I will do again but I'm glad we are together now. I often wonder if I would have been better off to just end it and have a chance of starting over while I'm relatively young (yes, 39 is YOUNG!) rather than go through it again when I'm older. But the lesson I have learned is this: You cannot just put your M on automatic pilot. It is something that must be cherished, protected and WORKED at every day. You just can't say - Oh, I'll take the time for my H after the kids are gone - or We'll do this or that when the kids are gone. You cannot devote your life to your kids or your H might not be there when the kids are gone!!!

Good luck at re-rebuilding!
DB

ssjoy:

My husband has had, all together, 8 affairs during a 15 year relationship (one PA during engagement, 4 EAs during marriage, two marital PAs and one EA/PA--whew! I think that's all of them.)

H has admitted to having sex/romance addiction issues. He has done a lot of work in counseling to overcome those issues. He has also learned a lot about his personality type and how that has contributed. He's an Enneagram Type 9 - they have really poor boundaries--so he's been working very hard at maintaining better personal boundaries in all his relationships.

Two things helped me more than anything else. Time and Consistency. When you are dealing with multiple infidelities, you are talking about a long-term pattern of behavior. Your H could turn into Gandhi, Albert Einstein, and Ewan McGregor rolled into one, and you're still not going to have any significant level of trust in those changes until they've been MAINTAINED for a significant period of time.

As far as consistency, I had to see H continuing to observe (and enforce, when necessary) good boundaries with his male friends, his parents, his coworkers, etc. And that helped me to believe he was capable of maintaining them with needy, clingy, admiring women. In other words, I looked at the big picture issue of being able to resist the pressure to just do whatever anybody told him to do, and not wait around for him to successfully dodge a come-on from a female co-worker.

We are a year and a half into recovery, and in a very good place. Realistically, I admit it's possible he could do it again. If he does, I'll survive--our marriage will not. He's also aware that I will not tolerate a stiuation like the last A--where the circumstances look like he's inappropriately involved for months, while he and the OW profess total innocence. If it starts looking like he could be doing it again, that's it. If he wants this marriage, he not only can't allow himself to get involved with another woman ever again, he can't allow himself to get into a situation where it APPEARS he COULD BE involved with another woman. He says he can do it. So far, he has done it.

That may sound extreme to some, but keep in mind: 8 affairs in 15 years. Statistically, that's like, every other year.

I guess that's the thing I would impress on you: when you are dealing with multiple As, ask for whatever it will take for you, and to heck with what other people say is "reasonable." Accept that your conditions for recovering the marriage will probably be higher than someone who is recovering from a ONS or only a single A. If your FWS doesn't want to stay under the conditions it will take to make you want to stay, you've reached an impasse, anyway. Better to both be up front about it.

JMHO.

ssjoy,
Yes, we are rebuilding after multiple A's. FWH had an A over a year ago, and when starting to work on that, found out about one that he has kept "hidden" from me for fifteen years. An A that I suspected, but he repeatedly denied.

It is so painful. Even over a year into recovery, it still haunts and pains me. The hurt gets so intense sometimes, that I have to slap myself and remind myself that it was fifteen years ago. It sometimes feels like 15 weeks ago.

Finding out about more than one really made me wonder if the M was worth saving. MB said it was. And in Torn Asunder, Dave Carder says that "hiding" a previous A keeps the WS from being intimate with the BS, because they are "afraid" if they get too close, the BS will find out the dirty secret. This lack of intimacy and distancing in the M lays the groundwork for future A's, since the M never has the "closeness" that is needed to prevent an A from happening again. Man, is that a catch 22?

How many A's are you talking about?

We are having a very successful recovery. FWH has shown HUGE remorse, guilt and shame over his actions in the past. For a while he was very afraid that I would leave him, but I stayed and gave him a second chance. I am a fighter!

What saved us? MC, MB, and love and 23 years of M. Two wonderful children. Overall a good life together. It isn't easy but if you decide that your WS and your M is worth it, it can be done.

I did feel very relieved about a month ago when FWH told me that he is a monogamous man and only feels "right" with one woman. And that would be me. For a while I wasn't sure and it was very important for me to hear.

Heavens

ssjoy, My H had multiple affairs but I found out about them all at once. We are having a great recovery, but I am not sure I would feel as positive if I had found about one or more A's, gone through the recovery process, and then found out that there were more. If you are asking about multiple discoveries, I can't help. But if you are asking about multiple affairs in the past that you just discovered, I would be happy to share.

pageprod,
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<small>[ June 24, 2003, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: Archuletan ]</small>