I found out about a month ago that OW is pregnant. And read something my H. wrote in a journal that he wanted to have children with her. I know it is something that he was just writing but it hurts so much. All he could talk about before the affairs was how nice it would be when we were alone and the kids were out of the house etc. Well now I am the one alone-pretty much-my 18yr son is at home but isn't around much and he is with her and young kids and now a baby coming.I'm having a hard time, my daughter and grand baby just moved to Wa. state, I am in Mi. so it is very hard being alone. Seeing so my dreams just fall by the wayside. Feeling old and used. I still see him, he says he is confused but it is getting harder and harder to be around him and see how little he cares about hurting me. The OW on the other hand knows nothing otherwise she would probably kick his butt out. I don't know if she should know or not. He says if I tell her it would be over with us, but it probably is anyway. He's only worried about himself being hurt, not either one of us. I am sick of the selfishness and lies. And I'd like to ask her where the H*** she gets the idea that just because he was seperated that she should go out with him, he's still married. I mean, if you are on the internet and looking why would you go for a guy that is saying seperated and not single or divored? What a fool. She will end up being hurt, because he won't stay faithful to her either especially with a baby coming and being stuck again. He's had a problem with going to women when he is depressed so it will happen again and maybe I just need to let go and let whatever happen to him happen.

I am sorry Your hurting and no one is answering,
I try not to post to a betrayed spouse right away because I am a ws /with oc. Some are offended by that and dont want to hear what I have to say, so I figured I would give all those who dont want those like me around, who dont always agree with them. a chance to respond.
But since they have not I will give my opinion, please it is just that an opinion, nothing more. I have been a bs more often that I want so I do understand that side as well.

I think if you are still married, you should tell the ow the truth about him, put him on the spot, why Not, He is your husband, and she should know what this is doing. Is he willing to go to counseling ?
I know how hard it is, with kids going off and all the changes. I think the best thing for you to do is try and stay busy and not let him see how much it is bothering you. But dont give into him either, He has to leave her to make it work with you.
I dont think you should settle for seconds, If he is with her, tell him he wont be with you, Make him make a decision.

Have you read any thing about plan A and B . I believe both ideas work and use plan A of sorts in my marriage daily and it has helped, both of us, learn to treat each other better.
Please dont be offended, I am sure others will be along shortly.

dear mom of five, I am not a judgemental person, don't have any right to be. My H. and i both had affairs early in our marriage and I had thought we both had learned our lessons. Anyway, I hadn't gotten into it here before, but now that things are dif. with OW being pregnant, I also had an OC from an affair. I was 21 and left my H. and lived wit a gut for a yr and went back to H. and then found out I was pregnant. OM had nothing to do with our daughter and says he didn't believe me when I told him. My H. knew and when D. was born loved like his own. She never knew. Well last yr when H. was going hot and heavy with first OW he had told her and she told a friend. When I did some things OW didn't like she had her friend call and tell my D. about her dad. So my H. has done a lot of stupid things and has lost a lot, Our D. is upset with him, not because he isn't her "real" dad but because of all the terrible things he has done. So like I said I am not one to throw stones and any support is welcome, I know what it is to do wrong and have to pay for my mistakes and I've never blamed anyone for them. You can quit the sin but the consequences are still there, even 20 yrs later. I'll definately never lie about anything like that again, it doesn't work to hide anything. It is always found out. Thanks for your support and prayers, I am really going to bed now!

Yes you are right, separated doesn't mean unmarried... I was told that the MM was separated but it turns out that was a total lie! I knew better and probably the OW in your case knows full well what she is doing. Why we (OW) don't run for our lives is because of the strong attraction and seeking pleasure for the moment?

One thing you hit the nail on the head regarding is that consequences do not forgive and can be in effect years and years down the road. I know this all too well. My OC will be 21 this year...

dear BIN, My OC is also 21 this yr. Last yr she found out about everything. Thankfully she is not angry with me for not telling her the truth. My H. has always loved her and accepted her as his own and now she is upset with him for all the hurt he has caused. it is so sad. She has a 15mos. old and just moved to Wa. state to be with her H. he is in the army. So I came back to an almost empty house and my son had an accident, I'm trying to cope with the OW's being pg, my daughter and Grand daughter being goen and my son in a serious accident. Can't understand sometimes how God is working all things for good. Things just seem to being getting worse and worse. But thankfully I have a lot of support, even from his side of the family, so he is feeling like a real prodigal and wants everyone to feel sorry for him. Instead of quitting what he is doing and making things right, he doesn't want to do that.

I was the BS, my has an OC from an affair that lasted 18mos long distance. It has been over for 10 years. We are still together. We have been together 29.5 years now
My H never moved out. However I think when I sat down and made a list of everything in the house I wanted in divorce settlement. Then went to a lawyer and discussed divorce or at a minimus LEGAL separation, I got his attention. At the time I did not know of the child, I just knew he had been cheating and was still involved.
I explained how much I would get if he chose to end our marriage ( because when you come down to it that is what divorce is about, money).
I also reminded him how much it would cost him emotionally if he went with her.
I am not familiar with Plan A & Plan B, but I think you might want to read up on them and follow one of them.
One thing thru out this I always did was reassure him that I thought we could work things out, but for that to happen he had to end the affair and concentrate on our marriage and me.

Some of the others should respond, there has just been a little bit of a dust up. The "attack" on CD was unwarranted and has many of us riled up.

Texasgirl

day by day,
That is a tough one. Has he been with ow since 2001? And continued to lie to you?

I would read up on plan A and B.

I'd do a very short plan A to see if you begin to get results.

On to plan B. You will get results, maybe not what you had in mind though.

I'd still talk to an attorney about a seperation while ow is pregnant. Do not divorce too soon. Give it your all if you love him.

So now....off to read and do plan A.
Prayers asking God to show you the way help better than you will ever know. It saved me those first few months and maintains me daily!

Debi

He has been with this OW since end of Sept. Didn't really end it with first OW until Jan, plus stringing me along. Now everything is pretty much in the open-he lives with the OW, she is pg, and doesn't really know about him lying to her. She may suspect, but probably doesn't want to know. We both know this can't go on forever, he keeps saying he doesn't think he can go back to the old life too much has happened and I just tell him it doesn't have to be the old life, we can make things dif and better. But he is a very negative person and always sees the downside of everything. He feels in some ways he should stay with her because she is pg and it would be wrong to leave her alone. thanks for the responses, maybe someone's insight would help him too, as to how things worked out for people that stayed tog. with an oc in the picture.

daybyday, it's time to start plan A. Read all about it on this site.
Prayer helps soothe the soul. Pray for the Lord to show you and H the way.
Living with her isn't the end. He may feel guilt for what he's done.
I hope you can practice talking to him without a lot of LB slinging. Hard to do, but works in allowing each other to be HONEST. To LISTEN.
Prayers for better days to you.
XXX
Debi

<small>[ July 13, 2003, 07:30 AM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>