My exWS and I are working on reconciliation. He has a 1 year old OC as the result of an affair. I have accepted the child and see him regularly. I have not seen any of exWS's side of the family since the whole mess happened. They are aware of the affair and the child. They did not approve of his actions, but don't hold it against the child. We are supposed to go on a vacation next week. Will probably see his two brothers and their wives. How do I handle this? I know I wasn't in the wrong, but do we just act like nothing happened or what? I guess I worry that they might think I must be desparate to return to such a man, even if he is their brother. Any suggestions?

LM~

I should think that anyone, especially HIS family should view you, not as desperate, but as a very LOVING, FORGIVING, MATURE, and STRONG woman!!

Before the vacation begins I would POJA w/ your H to decide in advance how to handle the situation, and any questions that may arise.

Then go on the vacation, hold your head up high, and have a great time.

If they were to give any indication that they view you as a desperate woman, I would hope your H as the WH would come to your defense, as he should. Again, I don't see this happening, but I do not know them. I think they should be grateful, and count their blessings that their son/brother has such a wonderful woman to remain by his side. You say they don't approve of his actions, but don't blame the child, so how in the world could they have any judgements against you of all people?

Oh, and another thought...have you seen any of your side of the family since the A/OC? I would think your H should be more concerned about their reaction toward him than you of his family's toward you?

Will be thinking of you on your vacation. Remember... YOUR MARRIAGE (including the decisions you and your H have made together), and your own little family come before all else, inclucing what his family thinks!!

Take good care, and God bless you for being the woman you are!

~aut

aut,
Thanks so much for your words of support! I think I'll make them a "mantra" over the next several days. "I am a loving, forgiving, mature, strong woman." I like the sound of that! My exWS said that his intent is to do or say whatever will make me comfortable in any given situation. I know that sometimes I worry too much about what others will think. Thanks again.

Hello Lilymarie!
I am so glad to have read your post. It sounds like you and I are going through similar things! I have posted a ? under the "What's this board for" you may want to read. I too have a H who has a C from A. We are about to bring that C into our daughter's lives in the next couple of weeks. They are 8&5 and we have not told them yet of their 2 1/2 year old brother. My struggle is all about what others will think! Especially my Dad. He is worried about the girls and I know he wishes my H would have just pretended he didn't have a son. I couldn't deny my H that and that C did nothing to me. He was born and is a child of God just like me and our children. My H has visits every other Sat. and I have gone when able. Soon though he will be coming to our house on the visit! I am excited yet scared to death because I feel I will have to explain to EVERYONE where this C came from.
I am also afraid of people of seeing me as weak! But,I have gotten some EXCELLENT support and advice on this site! We ARE STRONG, LOVING, MATURE, and FORGIVING! It is a lot harder in all ways to stay and work things through than to give up and walk away. I just knew I didn't want to throw away, then 12 years now 16, of my life with H. I KNOW we made the right decision and I am in a happy strong marriage! I commend you for what you are doing and I am so glad to have found you! Thank you for sharing on this board. And remember that No one knows what they would do if they were in our shoes! I never knew how strong I was until this happened in my life!
So as it was said to me...
STAND TALL! Others will see your strength and and love and they will follow your example!

makingitwork,
Thanks for sharing! I went back and read your post on "What is this board...". My exWS has two children from a previous marriage. He has a 16 year old daughter and a 20 year old son. His daughter is thrilled at having a baby brother although she doesn't approve of how he came into the world. His older son has really been struggling. It didn't help that the OW my exWS had an affair with is only one year older than his older son!! (My exWS was 47 and the OW was 21. Ouch!) What I did was write each of his older children a letter talking about my feelings about forgiveness and letting them know I still loved and cared about them. I told them I would love to have contact with them, but would leave it up to them. I didn't want to complicate their lives further. I've had quite alot of contact with my stepdaughter. In fact, she was just telling her father the other day that she was thinking about changing her godmother. She asked him if he thought I would consider being her godmother. That brought tears to my eyes!

I have two sons from a previous marriage, ages 17 and 19. While being upset about the affair, they are more upset about all the lying that went on. As my 17 year old said "Everyone can make a mistake, but I don't accept how he kept on lying to you when you gave him alot of chances to be truthful."

If my side of the family ever found out that I was working on reconciliation, they would probably disown me! Reality is, however, that I rarely see them, and have never had my Dad's approval for much of anything. I'm working on letting that be his problem.

Our situation is a bit further complicated in that the OC was born with Down Syndrome. My friends think I must be nuts to consider taking on a special needs child, much less the child of an affair. Sometimes I think so too! But then I see that little guy and my heart melts when he gives me a big smile.

I'll be anxious to hear how things turn out for you as you bring all the children together. I hope it goes well for you. I bet that as your girls see your love and acceptance of this little guy, they'll start to love him, too. At least, that will be my prayer for you.

I know how you feel with your friends thinking you are crazy. My friends and family do not understand why I am trying to work things out with my H after the affair last year. As for the family. I have not seen my H family for about a year. We met H's brother for dinner one night. It actually went really well. I still have not seen his parents. I am not sure what to day except I know how scary it can be. The only piece of advice I can give you is to stay strong and do not take anything personally. Good luck.
Jen

lilym,
CONGRADULATIONS on your recovery!!

I haven't read all the replies, so sorry if I repeat.

Many people will take their cues from how YOU handle it!! You know what I mean? Be classy and they'll act accordingly.

There's at least two other types--ones who want to offer their support in a good way, and ones who are obnoxious, offering everyone more than their share of opinion. The latter type, says more about THEM than you--don't let them drag you into a scene!! And the supportive type, well, hopefully they say the right things, and if they don't, gently remind them that you've decided together to try to save the marriage, period.

That's my 2cents worth. Gotta run.

A prayer for everyone struggling,
J, 5y recovery <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wow,

That child is so fortunate to have your support. My twins have special needs and they go to school with several kids with Downs Syndrome and the downs kids are the most loving children I have ever known. I can't blame you for reaching out. I don't see how anyone else would.

While on vacation, I suggest that you discuss openly anything that comes up? Perhaps have a long discussion with your H (POJA) about what issues are open for sharing and which topics you will agree to avoid--that way no LBing will occur! Then go from there!

The main thing is to be in agreement with your H on what topics are up for discussion with outsiders and which are not.

I agree with the others, don't have your peace inside someone else's head. Do what you know is right for you--what God has put in your heart and that's the best you can do! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Lilymarie,

You are certainly a loving forgiving person who believes in unconditional love (which isn't around that much any more!) I do believe why you are taking on the responsiblity of a child with Downs... You have so much love to give and I think that child is so very lucky to have you in his life! I always beleived that there is a reason for everything that happens. That little boy needs you and you are there with unconditional love to help him through his life! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Good luck! Thoughts and prayers are with you!

Dear Lilymarie and makingitwork,

(I initially considered PMing this to makingitwork on another site, but chose instead to post this to both of you here. I'm sorry to interrupt the discussion between the two of you wonderful women, but I had to say this ...)

As someone who was born an OC, I sincerely congratulate, applaud, and just smile so widely at the way you're trying to accept and work with the child. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ... Accepting him/her for the innocent child he/she is, and understanding that like all children, he/she just wants love. Again, I applaud both of you.

Sorry to interrupt,
chud/friendofk (but not referring to the "K" that's a regular here)

editing to add:
And yes, you are both *very* strong, compassionate women, and I would bet my last dollar that that is exactly how most of the world will see you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (If only there was a smiley face for applause.)

<small>[ July 03, 2003, 04:22 PM: Message edited by: friendofk ]</small>