Hi I am not new to this site but have only posted twice. To give you a little background I am the BW my H had an A resulting in 2 OC one during our seperation. We have been working very hard on our marriage and H has been proving he is sorry for what has happened. Now to get to the problem at hand. For a year H has not had any contact with OW or OC. OW emailed stating she was coming to our state for vacation and wanted the OC to see their daddy. OW does fine for herself financially and was nice enough to get H child support reduced from 1100.00 a month to 450.00 all on the promise that he has contact with OC. Money has never been an issue for her it has always been known that she will do whatever it took to make sure he continued contact. For us though we have 4 children and we are in a financial mess. I will never understand how the courts expected us to live on 180.00 a week, which is what it would have been if we had to pay the 1100.00 a month. Now for my question H and I are meeting OW and OC and I would like some advice on how to handle this, I am afraid I am going to fall apart but I know that I have to be there. Please any advise would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Always,

I don't know exactly what to tell you as we aren't in a simalar situation, but I think that you should be there, as you said, and be supportive of your H in his decision to see the OC's. Many on this board have said that being kind, even when you have to bite your tongue to do so, is the best route to take! You don't have to bend over backward, but be the gracious hostess, and enjoy the children, along w/your H. Are your children going with you? What are their ages. I don't know any more of your story than what's in this post.

Hopefully, more will be by soon to offer a little more advice!

Good luck!

Tigger

Alwaysworried,
This is not an easy one! I only had to deal with seeing the OC, with the OW at a distance, when I first met the OC. What I decided to do when seeing OC was to try and stay focused in the moment and view the OC as his "own little person". It's not easy, as I know I was looking to see my husband's features in the child. I told myself that I could have any kind of reaction after the visit,e.g., rage, sadness. I also told myself that the best way to "get even" with the OW and my ex-WS was to appear as if I was above it all, calm, cool, collected. You might have some kind of signal between you and your husband if things seem to be getting too intense for you. Maybe figure a "time-out" plan for you, or an end to the visit. Is it possible to visit the OC without the OW being involved at all in the visit? That would ease a little of the pressure for you, I would think. Hold your head up high as you remember what progress you and your WS have made!!

Hi,
I can speak from experience that this is the toughest day! But you need to hold your head up high and show the OW that you and your H are strong and happy despite the A. I went with my H to OW house to see the baby shortly after he was born. It was tough to hold my head up high but I did and the hour seemed to drag but I made it through by focusing on the child and knowing he was my "little angel" because he and I were the innocent ones in all of this. I admire you for your decision to stay together and allow the visitation. My H has had visitation since first week. I do not go but on occasion because we have 2 girls we have not told yet. They are 8 & 5 and we will be telling them about their brother next month. Then my secret hope is that the C will have so much fun at our house that he shares that with OW! And then I can say HA! (I am sorry that seemed a little evil) Good Luck and I hope you share how all went. I will be thinking of you. YOU CAN DO IT!! STAY STRONG AND STAND TALL!

(We are paying the $1000 which has irked me from day 1! Come Nov. when C is 3 we will revisit it and it will be reduced according to the chart they figure it on. Can't wait for that one! It is hard not to curse her when we are short every month! But we remind ourselves it is for the C not the OW (but is it?))

making it work said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Then my secret hope is that the C will have so much fun at our house that he shares that with OW! And then I can say HA! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am a mother of one of these children, and I pray every time she comes home she can tell me she had a great time, after all, she is my baby I want her to be happy where ever she is.

When she cries cause she doesnt want to go, that breaks my heart. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> And when she doesnt want to go, I gently help her get excited about going, Would I rather she not go, of course, I never tire of her. She is amazing. But If he wants to be involved she has a right to have that, so be it. But when she loves going, I am able to enjoy my day a little more, and not worry so much about her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I would imagine most parents are the same. It isnt about you and him and her any more, if you become involved, you make a committment to be a good parent, and the rest has got to fall by the way side[the anger, jelousy, rudeness, and all the other things people in these situations feel.. I mean the ow and the BS and WS, OM, who ever it involves.

As you can see my jealousy and anger toward the OW is still very fresh even after 4 years. She never ONCE showed any remorse for what she did. In fact she told me she would never tell me she was sorry for what she did, the pain she and H caused. However, I would NEVER do anything to show those feelings to any of the children. I have never showed her anything but smiles and politeness when I have been in her presence. My H knows of my feelings (and now this board) and that is the way I intend to keep it. I simply used this board to let out my feelings. I am sorry if I offended you in any way.

oh no I am not offended, I just wanted you to know, for a parent, that is what most of us pray for, that our child will be loved and feel safe and secure...

Hi alwaysworried,
Did you have the visit yet? Are the 2 OCs with the same OW or different OW?

How is your marriage? Is your H doing everything he can to reassure you that his wayward ways are over? Perhaps if he does everything HE can to reassure you, you won't be so nervous during the meeting or future meetings?

It's too bad we can't think of our children's well-being, safety and comfort before we weave the tangled web of infidelity around their heads... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

bin there done that </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's too bad we can't think of our children's well-being, safety and comfort before we weave the tangled web of infidelity around their heads...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">True would be nice if we could see the big picture before bad decisions are made, But life doesnt always work out that way. So as parents who love their children and still make mistakes, all we can do is show them we love them and make life as good as we can. and that when we do something wrong, we can correct it and life does go on. It will be what we make of it.
Just as you did.

Thank you all for your support. The visit went actually very well. I had one request of my husband and that was no conversation with OW mainly because that wasn't the reason we were there. He was great and that eased my mind a great deal. The 2oc are from the same OW. The 2 year old boy attached himself to me. I was surprised on how I felt, I was not angry or upset. I thought when i saw the children all I would think about is OW and H but I didn't. If H is consistent in the way he acted at this visit at all other visits I believe it could work. I know OW wants H in OC lives so she will do what she needs to for that to happen. I think ow might have felt left out watching us interact with oc. Hopefully in the future visits can be done without ow. We do not live in the same state but ow is planning on moving here. I hope she doesn't. Thanks again for all the support I know that this was just one step in a long line of steps and i will take each one as it comes.