I am sorry I posted this in the wrong place. This post is also posted in just found out.

It has been a while since my last post. To give an update, my H had an affair about a year and a half ago and OW had a child in Jan of this year. We have been married almost two years. H and I have been fighting about OC b/c he will not go for legal visitation. He just keeps going to her house to see oc. He even went today on my birthday!! H claims affair is over but ow keeps on calling. he pays cs and just will not go the legal way. ow lives with her parents and her parents do not know he is married. he is liveing two lives and i do not think i can deal with it much longer. how do you know when to quit. We have tried mc and it has not helped bc H will not be honest with everyone. H parents only car about the oc and i have not seen them in about a year. I am so angry and frustrated. i do not know how to deal with the pain and anger. will leaving help?

my suggestion to you is visit her parents, either they will forbid your husband to come to their home, or they will enable him to do as he does.
I think they should know after all it is their home, and if you are out of the loop you dont really know what he is doing and where.

Your H should not be going to the OW's home to visit the OC. He should find somebody to act as intermediary between him and the OW, to help with his visitation of the OC and if he can't then he should include you in his periodic visits to the OC. Either of these two actions could help you in demonstrating that he is not hiding anything with regards to him and the OW. Have you talked to him about any of these options?

jen100

This sounds like a terribly painful situation to try and manage. Have you tried a Plan A or B yet? Is your husband concerned that if he gets into the legal system that the child support may be increased? Couldn't his visits with the OC occur somewhere other than the OW's house? Seems like too much secrecy to me for the situation to be "legitimate", e.g. no further attraction or affair with the OW. If your husband won't get honest, then it's doubtful that there will be any change. What's the deal with his parents caring only about the OC? Who is there to offer you the support you so deserve? You'll be in my thoughts and prayers (Such as they are somedays!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

Thanks for all of your replies. I am a little worried to say something myself to her parents. Maybe I am just scared. I will try to talk to him tonight, He is afraid to go for visitation rights bc he thinks it will mess up oc life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I just do not get him!!

sounds like a big excuse to me, how can legally getting everything out in the open and set up on a regular schedule mess up the oc life. really he is messing it up now with his dishonesty to everyone. sounds like he wants both worlds,two families, i know what this situation is like, because when my om first started seeing my daughter, he met with just me and her, never brought his family, and always wanted me there, he even refused to get a car seat for her so that i would have to bring her to him, but this ended up very uncomfortable for me and my husband, i felt kind of like he was trying to have his two families, yet i was trying to repair mine, so i had to stop the visits and thats when we ended up going to a mediator of the court (which is free) and set up visits. It has worked out well and he now includes his family with her visits. Being on a schedule has helped her get use to the situation even at her young age. You need to be as much a part of this childs life as your husband is, especially if you want your marriage to work and respect to be given to you. This child needs to get to know you and vice a versa. I would have liked to have met the om wife, not to befriend, but to let her get everything off her chest so that there would not be any problems between her and my daughter, she has refused, maybe someday, since i would like to know who else is helping raise my daughter,and what she believes.
full house

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jen100:
<strong>...He is afraid to go for visitation rights bc he thinks it will mess up oc life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I just do not get him!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That IS an interesting statement since OC's life is already pretty messed up JUST BECAUSE...

But where to go from here???

The thing about him taking responsibility without any legal recourse is that THE OC MIGHT NOT EVEN BE HIS!!! What IF????

Since your H insists on handling it his way, maybe if you suggested a paternity test, at least he can be sure that he is paying CS for the right reasons...

I have requested H get a paternaty test. He is totally convinced it is his. As for Me seeing ow I think i would probably say something i would regret. She use to be a friend of mine in college. He is supossidly looking for visitation on line tonight. Do we have to get a lawyer to get visatation. We really do not have the money for a lawyer. He is already paying cs.

Jen, a belated happy birthday (yesterday).

Just as an outsider, it appears as if your husband holds most of the power within your marriage. He makes independent decisions, and if Jen doesn't like it .... that's tough toenails for Jen.

Is this about right? Am I missing something?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

jen,,,, sorry to see you gong through all this.

i am going to speak my piece and i hope i don't offend you.

your h is as you well know contro;;ing trying to have it both ways. there is no way on earth that your marriage will work this way.

i would speak up if i were you. and to everyone. his mom &dad, her mom & dad and to anyone else who even seemed remotely interested. i feel to this day that my silence in fh's A was a major factor in how it escalated to the point of a PA. if i had spoken up to her om or his w things may have turned out differently. no quarantees but i would bet a $100 to a donut i am right.

secondly i would put my foot down on this double life crap. if he doesn't like it he can leave. if he leaves, change the locks on the house. the second he tries coming home and relizes you meant business he will change his tune or make his own sad song. again this in mho was my 2nd biggest mistake in my situation. i kept bending and trusting although i knew better. it bit me in the butt. and i'l bet you another $100 to another donut you know both these conditions are true.

lastly and i know this is MB. but you deserve better then he is giving you. you are obviously young and must realize that if this is your h child this will be in your life forever. my advice is to get all the cards on the table. dna test and use the courts. there are public assistance programs through the DA if you are tight on founds. good luck, pops

Jen,

Listen to Pops very carefully. Oh! for your information his suggestion to consider ending the marriage is in line with this site, and Dr. Harley's own thinking. Read the articles here about OC's. His suggestion is if a spouse gets pregnant and impregnates OW, that if there are no children, leave the marriage and let the two of them raise the child.

This site is NOT save a marraige at all costs. It is a place to see if a marriage can be saved. So please read Pop's advice very carefully. I think it will help you.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you all for all of your advice. Props I did consider your advice. I just tried to talk to my H. I asked him to decide. He claims he cannot. He absolutely refuses to tell ow parents, she lives with them and he thinks her dad will hurt him. I really do not know where to go from here. I know many people think i sould leave. I am just not sure if i can. I feel totally alone.

i know you have to make decisions for yourself, but i feel you are not listening to anything everyone is trying to tell you. not to be mean but i feel you are use to being controlled, you need to find your backbone here and stand up for yourself cause no one is going to look out for you and you are going to be miserable letting everyone run you down. as long as you dont say anything your husband can do as he pleases, you need to throw a wrench in to this fantasy of his, the other family and whoever else you feel needs to know--needs to know--let whatever rage come your husbands way, he has done this to himself, how are you ever going to work out a marriage or end it if all the cards are not on the table, this family needs to know that he is not who he represents himself as being, and that their is this innocent party (you) being hurt by what these two people are doing. she still lives at home--i think its time everyone grows up...tell them the truth, even if it is in a letter to the parents, get it out in the open, it will be so much better for you in the long run.
full house

jen,,,,, please don't read into this that i am pushing divorce. that is not my intent. but at the same time i am not against it either. quite frankly if fh and i were younger or maybe only had the 3 oldest kids we may very well be divorced now. we both have talked about this and understand the "what if's?".

i just think that your h is speaking loud and clear that you don't mean that much to him. words of love for you are cheap it is his actions that tell you the truth. to carry on this charade for fear of the ow's father is ludicrous (sp?).

you are young and have so much life left in front of you it doesn't make sense to continue with someone that doesn't respect you. remember the words he spoke in your wedding vows.

also you will be doing everyone a huge favor to get the truth about your h out in the open.

please take a firm stand and bust the bubble he is living in. fh is telling you from her personal experience. that being when she had to face the reality of her bubble being popped.

staying married or divorcing it doesn't really matter. what you need to do NOW is find your own selfworth and stand up for YOU. don't take his garbage any longer. there is a plethora of help and encouragement here from women who have walked a very similar path as yourself.

maybe you can try and step away from this and ask yourself what advice you would give your best friend in the same situation. pops