Hello, I am struggling with my feelings for the OW. It has been 4 years now since the confession of the A. We have re-built a strong marriage and are doing well ourselves. We are back on track and I feel strong and very positive about our marriage. I am able to trust my H again. We are about to tell our 2 children about their 1/2 brother. But now, or still am struggling with my hatred and anger towards the OW. How in the world do I let go of that anger when she is going to be in my life forever????
(I have never showed any of that anger towards her in person. I doubt she even knows she still troubles me.) Please help. She is in my life forever and I want and need to forgive her and let go for the sake of myself and for the child. I have read many books for my husband and I but have not found anything on how to let go of the anger towards HER!

You must forgive her yourself and let it go. By holding onto your feelings towards her that are not good feelings you hurt yourself.
that does not mean you forget, you will never forget, you just let go and move on.
by moving on you leave her and the pain she helped create behind. You cannot totally reconnect with your H if you are holding these negative feelings.
She will probably never ask you for forgiveness. I think most OW blame the BS and H for the affair and rarely accepts her share of the responsiblity for the affair.
You know, if the wife had taken care of her H better, etc. if the H had loved his wife etc.
How about if she had refused to be available to a married man.
Sorry I am getting negative myself here.
But that is my suggestion.

Texasgirl

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How in the world do I let go of that anger when she is going to be in my life forever???? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">makingitwork, that sentence is the reason you can't let go.

Is your H doing everything to make you feel safe?

Sounds as if you need a strong poja with a complete honest talk about your feelings.

I had said the same thing a few years ago so I understand where you are coming from. It was in the begining when we tried visitation and it didn't work for a variety of reasons. One being the ow felt free to continue to call my H any time she wanted even though we had a phone line w/ answer machine put in our home for her to call me to set things up.

After many talks with H and many violations by ow not using that number, we simply discontinued contact and removed the phone line. It was hindering our recovery. We had discussed that in advance. H couldn't take it any longer nor could I.

Now ow rarely comes up in conversations.

I hope you and H can come up with an agreement together for both your sakes.

You keep your head up!

Best wishes and prayers to all of you.

love
Debi

You MAY be able to let go of the anger for the OW by looking at things from another perspective and realizing that it is she, and not you, who lost. It is she who is going to be reminded that she did not win your H's love and because of the OC, will have you in her life forever. Knowing this, would you trade places with her?

<small>[ July 06, 2003, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Thank you all, I do know all of these things, but it really helps to have someone else remind you. I guess I am losing myself and forgetting because I am really nervous about letting the secret out in a couple of weeks. My H has made me feel really safe. OW doesn't contact us at all. He calls to say goodnight to the oc but always tells me when he is calling. So I feel H and I are in a good place. Thank you all for helping me to remember!

miw,
Here are 4 books I've read on my journey of letting go of anger/resentment:

--Calm Surrender by Kent Nerburn
--When Forgiveness Doesn't Make Sense by Robert Jeffress
--The Railway Man (A true story of war, remembrance, and forgiveness) by Eric Lomax (out of print)
--Making Sense Out of Suffering by Peter Kreeft

If religion is an issue, I'm not sure of the first author's bent--more general; second one was written by a Baptist, the third one has no religious bent, an amazing story of a British man meeting and forgiving one of his (Japanese) former WWII torturers(!); the fourth is by a Catholic. All are at Amazon.com and very good.
--------------------------------------
Here's some thoughts:

Your anger/resentment only hurts YOU, not her.

Letting go of the anger/hurt is HELPING YOU, and it doesn't mean what she or he did was right, only that it must be set aside for your own good. So long as you have good rules/boundaries/poja with your H (it sounds like you do), you don't have to think about her anymore. Let her be a NON-issue!!

I haven't committed adultery, but I'm not perfect, sinfree, mistakefree etc.--ala Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.

That's all I can think of for right now.
Best wishes,
J, in recovery 5 years

What helped me is TIME....and going through the grief process and allowing myself the time to process it, despite some people's intentions of telling me, "get over it"....I think on a few occasions I was tempted to commit a deadly crime when some well meaning folks told me to "get over it"...you don't really "get over it"...you learn to live with it.

As with any deep wounds, a scar develops. If you keep picking at it, and picking at it, it never heals properly. If you let it "air out" and give it time, it will mend itself. There will still be a visible sign that a deep wound occured, but when you poke it after it's been healed and knitted up, it doesn't hurt. It's just "there".

For me, the OW is just "there". Some people heal more quickly than others. Some have spouses that go great length to make them feel secure and that aids the healing process. For me, Counseling helped as did the fact that the ex-ow married her boyfriend and recently had a child with him. She's happy, she's moved on with her life. All we have to deal with now is Child support and medical issues as they arrive. Heck, she e-mails me and I her at times. Brief, to the point, and things get done.

It's not easy. It's not fun. But it can be done and you move on wiser, stronger and eventually at peace with yourself.

Hugs and prayers for that final peace and contentment for you,
Twiisty

I too need lots of work in this department.
Thanks for the book suggestions Jenny.

I have yet to run into OW since last september when the separation began, but I did have words with her over the phone one day. It did not make me feel any better, only felt that I had lost control of my emotions.

Now that the divorce is final I dread running into Ex, and Ow, I have so much anger and hurt built up, and I haven't yet found the ideal outlet for it. The finality of this marriage is overwhelming, and Ex, and Ow just seem very content with their life, maybe that is what angers me most. I am the only one besides my children hurting.

Tina

Maybe OW won't be in your life forever? Maybe the OC will grow up and choose not to stay in contact with your H???

Pain is only as powerful as your memory of it.

Your post brought me out of retirement. I am currently struggling with hatred for OW because she continues to intrude herself into my life and I resent it. That being said, I admit I don't hate her as much as I used to and have become more and more indifferent towards her over the past year because of our recovery. I am only reminded of her on a bi-annual basis when she demands another court appearance. We deal with it, then forget it and her.

I think it is purrfectly OK to hate the OW for a time. In fact, it is probably essential to personal growth and mental health. However, it is also wise to set your timer or circle a calendar date when you intend to abandon the luxury of wallowing in hate because of what it will eventually do to you.

The OW deserves your wrath and disgust because she did a disgusting thing and probably knew your hsuband was married and just didn't care. She waltzed into your life without considering you or your children and now you are sentenced to a life of being raped into step-parenthood (plaguerized from Jenny) and then demands you consider her child.

This is the bitter pill we all have had to take and endure on one level or another. But, I like TMCM's suggestion to focus on the fact your husband chose you (they almost always do) and was not swept away into abandoning you and your children for a child that never should have been...at least with your husband as the father. That is just a hidious addendum to the indescribleable pain that affairs bring but that too will lessen with time. Especially since your husband is committed to the repair of your marriage.

It DOES get better with time, Twiisty's right. Time heals so much especially when you continue to move forward practicing the Harley methods and sticking to the principles. Prayer is amazingly effective and coming here to discuss positive ways to help your marriage recover are important steps to letting the OW become as insignificant as she is in reality. She doesn't matter to your husband, so she eventually will not matter to you. Someday you will gain a new perspective about her and realize though she succeeded in damaging many areas of your life and has certainly changed some things forever, it doesn't need to take your soul or keep your heart form mending.

Having contact in any form makes recovery tougher and keeps the OW in the forefront where she doesn't belong, especially during the first few years of recovery. Though contact often makes recovery more difficult, recovery can take root anyway. And perhaps in time, your marriage will take on new meaning for you and your husband because of your generosity and open heart. As long as you are #1 with your husband and your children come first, his priorities are in order and someday soon she will become as unimportant to you as the mold growing on old bread.

Make every effort to meet your husband's emotional needs, refrain from disrespectful dialogue and don't give into the impulse of shoving the past in his face. I learned my husband's pain was far greater than mine, his humiliation deeper and his remorse horribly debilitating. He has to live with what he has done and my continued catawalling about my misery would only retard his healing and his love for me. I respect his strength of character to meet his obligations to me and to our children and to our family first and that he pays CS and is committed to rebuilding all that has been destroyed. What we are rebuilding is stronger than before..kind of like rebuilding after a hurricane...next time you use concrete.

Catnip =^^=

*clap* *clap* catnip! (how are you?!)

in a concrete house,
J

makingit,
It sounds as if your H is doing all he can to reassure you. Your very screen name shows that you have inner strength to overcome your feelings for the OW.

Time seems to help. I know FMM's XW was very angry towards me in the beginning. However, fast forward a year or so and she chooses to deal w/ me almost exclusively in regards to their child.

She is still angry though, at him. We had court yesterday on a simple issue that could have been avoided had a little cooperation been extended by her. Her anger cost her emotionsally and financially.

Be the better person and try not to let the anger rule your life. Your H has chosen a life w/ you. Celebrate in that decision daily. Good luck. tew

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by catnip:
<strong>Make every effort to meet your husband's emotional needs, refrain from disrespectful dialogue and don't give into the impulse of shoving the past in his face. I learned my husband's pain was far greater than mine, his humiliation deeper and his remorse horribly debilitating. He has to live with what he has done and my continued catawalling about my misery would only retard his healing and his love for me. I respect his strength of character to meet his obligations to me and to our children and to our family first and that he pays CS and is committed to rebuilding all that has been destroyed. What we are rebuilding is stronger than before..kind of like rebuilding after a hurricane...next time you use concrete.

Catnip =^^=</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMG CAT! such wisdom. I was thinking of this just this morning on my way to work. As much as I have suffered because of his affair, I think my pain was less than his.

As for letting go of the hate, I know that I will sound like Pollyanna here but I prayed for her. God said I am supposed to pray for my enemies and that surely and truly is what she was. She wanted my life, every bit of it, every penny we had earned, every memory we shared, eveyr moment of our future and even our yet-to-be adopted boys.

I prayed for her. Somtimes dozens of times per day. Whenever she came into my thoughts and I found myself becoming angry, I prayed a simple one-sentence prayer turning it over to God. Also, the knowledge that I have been forgiven my sins makes me more tolerant of others being forgiven theirs.

I also do think that we BS let our WS off the hook too easily. I don't mean that we shouldn't be kind and forgiving toward them, especially if our goal is the repair of the marriage, but that we put too much of the blame on the OP. It is easier for us that way to live with our spouse. Despite whatever weaknesses he had or whatever may have been going on in his (and our) life at the time, he had the ability to say "no" to her advances. He could have and he chose not to. He is not an innocent in all of this. I won't remind him of that, but I will never lose sight of it either. I will forgive him this, but I won't forget it and I will guard our marriage like a mother lion guards her cubs because it is a precious, precious thing.

MJ