Hi,
I am new to the forum. I am 36 and my husband is 42. We have a 5 yr old son.
A couple weeks ago my husband confessed to his affair he was having with a woman he used to work with. I happen to know her. They have been friends. They went out for drinks one night (I did not know about it) and she began flirting with him. This led to the affair. She had told him that she had always had a crush on him. But anyway, my husband took advantage of it. He says he did it because it was convenient and easy. and that he does not have any feelings for her. We have a couple problems and this added some excitement for him.
About a year ago she got pregnant. Originally, she was going to have an abortion but then didn't. It was then agreed that she would give the baby up for adoption. Well, she ended up keeping the baby. My husband decided to tell me. He said that he ended the affair when she found out she was pregnant but they continued talking back and forth regarding the adoption, etc. He fully expected me to leave him once I found out and I would have thought that I would have too. But I decided to try and work it out. My husband says he loves me and he wants our marriage to work and that he doesnt have feelings for the OW. The OW in the past week or so has moved out of state and is living with her parents. The OW definitely is still in love with him and would like for him to leave me. Although I don't believe my husband would be with her anyway . She is continuing to call my husband but he is ignoring her. He said he is going to tell her to quit calling and to end the communication between them. He also feels that he needs to treat the child as one of his children. I have told him that in order for me to get through this that it cannot be that way. I want both the OW and the child to not exist in our life or otherwise I feel it will be a constant reminder and the pain will always be there. He has not decided what he is going to do about it. Am I wrong for wanting this? Is it something that I should not ask him to do. I am still trying to make sense of all this and to determine what is right.

Hi gt,
Welcome to Marriage Builders. Have you read any of the Basic Concepts on this site? There are some extremely helpful articles on surviving an affair when other children (OCs) are involved. How's it going? Are you okay? I think prayer helps when you can't get your spouse to see things your way. God knows. He sees. He will help you. We're here too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

gt,

You aren't going to get much consensus on what's "right" from this board(!), though you can read many different experiences. Unfortunately, your sad position is not as uncommon as we thought.

I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you read all the Harley principles(!), get counseling(!), and read affair recovery books. My favorite was After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring, but there are the Harley books and others. You can even get phone counseling from the Harley staff! I hear it's worth the cost.

I'm sorry you haven't gotten more replies. It used to be a better board.

Good luck on your marriage,
J, BS in recovery 5 years,
some contact reduced to no contact

gt,
I'm sorry for all the pain you are having to go through. The issue of whether or not to have contact or a relationship with the OC is often at the very core of this forum. Some BSs are open to the possibility and others say that they absolutely cannot work on their marriage if there is to be a continuing relationship with the OC. You are not "wrong" to want no contact, nor is your WS "wrong" to want contact. The problem is that obviously it can't be both ways. I really believe that you two need to work with a counselor on this one. You'll get various view- points on this board, but only the two of you can decide what is best for your relationship.

Also, the information about the affair and OC is fairly new to you. I know that I have gone through mutiple thoughts and feelings about the OW and OC over the months since D-day. Maybe you need to give yourself some time before making any final decision. "No contact" with the OW is certainly a "given" with the Harleys.

My husband and I have no contact because I believe contact would be detrimental to our marriage.

Some people can recover with contact, others like me cannot. A lot of women and men here on this site are able to get past seeing the OC as a "reminder" and are able to include the child into their lives and develop a deep love for the child over time, especially if there is limited contact or no contact with the OW/OM and the marriage is in definite recovery.

The Betrayed Spouses who are loving and generous enough to accept the OC are special people indeed. I am not one of them, but I certainly admire their awesome ability to open their hearts.

Some people advise that early on, couples in recovery, practicing the Harley methods of recovery and living the priciples and entering into a Policy of Joint Agreement to make all decision where the OC is concerned and in all future endeavors, will go a long way to rebuilding the marraige and getting yourselves regrounded. Once you have spent the time necessary to do this, THEN you can consider whether or not including the child into your lives will be beneficial to your marraige and to the child.

It takes months and months of soul searching for sure, but one thing is without question; get your own house in order first before you attempt to entertain the idea of contact with OC. In fact, during the first few months or even years, all your focus should be on each other and on the marriage.

Re-establishing a marriage after such a devastating blow as discovery of an affair is tough enough, but when a child is a product of that affair, getting past that can be very difficult without a solid base to start from.

You have definitely come to the right place. God bless.

Catnip =^^=

My H and I have no contact with his OC. His choice, but it was made for our marriage and our children. to quote someone else, "the needs of the many out weigh the needs of the one" we have several children, there was one OC. She has her mother, grandmother and uncle.
also felt the OW would not move on, thinking she could use child to leverage with H.
Do what is best for YOU, don't let others judgements affect you. They are not the ones walking in your shoes. Everyone lives are different
Look for the positive here and in yourlife

Texasgirl

gt I was so glad to see your post, but I am sorry for your pain. I am currently going through the same thing, and I read a lot of posts on this board--so I thought my husband and I were so wrong wanting no contact. My husband and I have been married 8 years, he is 30, and I am 28. We just had our 3rd child 4 weeks ago, the other two are 7 and 2.5.

I found out about his ons and the resulting child 1 yr ago this August. The OW was the one to tell me, and we got DNA tests done to be sure. Unfortunately the test proved positive for him being the father, and the OW has recently decided to sue us for CS. The OC turned 1 in May, so we now have 18 yrs of me trying to get over his infidelity by paying CS. Maybe one day further down the line we will be able to be a part of the OC's life but I am not ready for that yet. I just want to do what is right for all involved.

I do not mind paying CS because I know it is only fair but she is asking for $550 a month. There is no way we can afford this much and I am afraid the courts may agree with her.

Does anyone know how CS is determined? Will they take into account my husband's other children with me? Should we have a lawyer in court with us?