I am a 24 year old woman with two children and one on the way. I have been married for 5 and a half years. My first daughter is 7 and is from a highschool relationship. As soon as I became pregnant with her the father left. My husband and I started dating when i was about 6 months pregnant and have been together ever since. He adopted my daughter a year and a half ago. We have a 4 year old daughter together. Now that I have given a little background info I am writing to get any advice anyone can offer. I had an affair starting in October 02. My husband asked me to leave the house we shared in December 02. I left with my two children and moved in with the OM. At this time we were living overseas with the military. I decided I would return to the US and file for divorce. In March 03 after my job contract ended me and my two children returned to the US. I had found out at the beginning of March 03 i was pregnant. i still stayed in contact with the OM but everything pretty much ended after I returned to the states. I was still ready to sign divorce papers and just try and move past all the wrong mistakes I had made. Then in June my H came to the US to visit the our children. At this time I was still convinced that we should divorce. He was here for two weeks and the more i saw of him the more I missed the relationship we had to begin with. Up until a year before I had the affair things were good for us but then we started to argue all the time and I felt I was not getting the emotional support I needed. We hardly did anything together and when we did it was as if we were friends. Then I met the OM and he paid all attention to me. Anyway, i do still love my husband and want to be able to try and reconcile the marriage but he has said he could not because of the pregnancy. He says that he would have taken me back if I were not carrying the OM baby. I feel that we still can make things work but he says no. Should I just give up and sign the divorce papers or should I just ask him to wait it out just a little longer and see what happens. In the state I live in we can not divorce until aftr the child is born anyway so that would be almost a year we would be seperated. If anyone has any advice pls let me know.

libby, I would not sign, divorce papers, until your child is born. That gives you and H more time to discuss and decide.

ember

I agree with ember. Read the Harley methods for saving a marriage and try to keep good communications with your H. Give your marriage a chance, "fake it 'til you make it". Some men are more willing to accept the baby after s/he is born.

Best wishes,
J, in recovery 5 years

What a mess for someone so young.

I agree you should just wait it out and see what the future will hold...like perhaps he may have a change of heart.

Your husband is probably very hurt and angry and confused and if he is as young as you are, he might decide that he still has a chance to start over without such daunting problems. And, maybe not. He may find he misses you and still loves you and wants to make a home with you. Just give it time until after your baby is born. It might help for him to know there will be no contact.

Catnip =^^=

Libby,

You've gotten some great advice, and I will second/third that getting familuar with the principles on this site will help a lot!!!! I know how the pressures of the military can cause such problems in the M that you begin to look elsewhere, and I know it from BOTH sides! It's not an easy life, but it can work, even post A. As my signature line says, I've had the OC and my H and I are raising her with our other 2 children with no contact w/xOM at all! It can be done, but it also takes work.

I will say that you will probably be doing most of the work in the beginning. You are going to be the one rebuilding the trust with your H, and you need some help in doing so. My first thought is to point you to Plan A/Plan B. Usually, it's the BS using these on the WS, but it works both ways. Second, I, myself, am re-reading some of the books that we bought almost 3 years ago. The one I'm thinking of for you is kind of an overview on EVERYTHING. It's called "Fall in Love, Stay in Love", and it can work for anyone, whether there's been and A or not. Go to the bookstore section on this site and look as the exerpts and decide for yourself.

Please continue to post and we will continue to try to help.

Tigger

hi libby,

sorry you haven't gotten too many responses.

i agree with the others about not signing the divorce papers. a year is a long time. things may change.

a few questions: where are your girls now? still with you or with their dad? are you living close to him? do you see him often? does he see the girls often?

as for the divorce (if that's the road you decide to take), think about how it will affect your kids. i'm not saying you and your h should stay together because of them, but you should make an effort to work things out. if not for their sake, then for yours. your kids are young now, but eventually they're going to be old enough to ask tough questions and they're going to hold you accountable for your actions. if you and h make a genuine effort (talking, counselling, soul-searching, using the pricipals on this site, etc) and still can't work things out and reconcile, you'll at least be able to look your girls in the eyes and say, "we tried absolutely everything!"

as for this oc you're carrying, give that some time too. when i first told my h that i was pregnant with someone else's baby, his first response was "i'll never love that baby!". well liam's 5 weeks old now, we're still together, and when h left the delivery room to tell our families he was born he was crying. big change!

one of the biggest factors in h being able to love and accept liam was his belief that i loved him (h) and was committed to the marriage. your h is going to need a ton of reassurance! and like tigger said, in the beginning don't be surprised if you're the one doing all the work.

best of luck. keep reading and asking questions.

amy

Although I have never been in this situation (and at this late date, wife is 47, never expect to be), I think Ameythst hit the nail on the head...for him to love your child, he has to love, really love, you, so that he can love the part of the child that is you more enough to forget/forgive the way that the child was conceived. Good luck!

Libby,

Permit me to ask you some hard questions. You have had children by two separate men, you are expecting a third child by yet another man. Your H is the father of one, and legally the dad of two of your children.

Do you suppose that he feels the you only want him back to take care of yet another child? I would guess that is a huge issue. He has already accepted and adopted another man's child. Which shows to me he is a pretty special guy. It also shows that the pregnancy is NOT the issue, but it does represent how you have viewed him, as far as he can tell. You want him when you need him, but otherwise you will seek to have your needs met elsewhere, when it suits you.

You don't say why you started an affair, but you did live with the OM for many months and did become pregnant by him. Do you think your H just might be feeling the way I just stated?

If you really do love him, you will need to begin to prove to him that his view is incorrect. You cannot just tell him, although that is a start, because you actions so far have proven the lie in those words. But, your actions can show him.

Now this isn't going to happen over night. It will take a long and steady outpouring of love and patience from you. It will take you settling how you are going to handle the presence of this new child in your life. Is OM going to provide CS? Is OM going to be part of raising this child? What are the arrangements going to be?

The next issue you need to address is the affect the OM has had on your present children. Have you run your H down in your children's presence? Do they think your H is the "bad guy"? Do they like the OM better?

This is a very complicated situation, and it will require skill, patience and time to work your way out of it. THe easiest and most direct way out for your H is divorce and that is what he seeks. You will have to choose which way is best for you. I would strongly recommend that you seek counseling in regard to dealing with your H, and even why you have done what you have done. I think you will need to understand that, and show a conscious decision as to how you are going to address it, before H will be willing to consider coming back.

I wish I could offer you more, but would need more feedback, and a lot more training than I possess to really help you.

I wish you the best.

God Bless,

JL

I know this sounds terrible, but if it came down to your H or your OC, would you be willing to put the baby up for adoption so your H would take you back????

Adoption is an option. Would OM raise the baby or is he completely out of your life? Does OM even know you are pregnant? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

To answer a few questions asked:
My children live with me. Their father lives in Europe so we do not see him often due to him being in the military. My husband is the biological father of our 4 year old and the legal father of our 7 year old. As for as the our first child he may not be the biological father but he has been with me since I was about 6 months pregnant with her. She does not know any different and he has never treated her as if she were not his biologically. In his eyes and mine he is the father of her due to being there since she was born so he has never and would never view it as if he was just there to take care of yet another child that did not belong to him. This would be the first time that would ever have been an issue. I know he may feel that is why i am returning to our marriage so he can take care of this child but I do not need just his support for this child. The OM does pay CS every month for this child. The OM does want to be in this child's life even though we are no longer together. Adoption is not an issue. If it ever came down to my H or the OC then I would choose the OC. I love my children and it is not the OC who caused the situation so I would never turn to adoption. I love my H but my children are my life. My H would never ask me to do that either because he knows what my children mean to me. I have talked to my H since I posted this first discussion and he has agreed to wait on the divorce. He says that at this time he does not want me to come back because he needs to be completely over me before he can start all over again. He says that at this time he is afraid if I came back it would be for him to be with the children and not to be with me. So I do respect that and I plan to start counseling for myself very soon.

If you would choose OC over H, then your marriage will never work because your H will always be competing with someone that he didn't choose to be entered into your lives. Your H has sacrificed a lot for you, more than most men would, and you still would not put him first. That alarms me greatly, so it really should him.

<small>[ July 19, 2003, 10:17 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

Confused,

I am going to assume that you are the same person that started this thread. I think that Adgirl, as made some very important points.

You say you had the affair because H didn't meet your needs. You say you were arguing before the affair.

Is there any chance that some of this was your fault?
Or is the whole thing your H's fault?

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyway, i do still love my husband and want to be able to try and reconcile the marriage </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yet you argued with my characterization of you having 3 children by three men, and only ONE of them was your H's. You tell us what a poor H he was, and then you say what I quoted.

Either you have a very strange concept of what love is or somethings aren't adding up here.

The point of my inquiry is that they won't add up for your H either. So what are you going to do, to SHOW him that you do love him, and that life will be different. How do you expect your H to handle OM in your family life? Have you thought about this at all?

What I see here or sense here is a woman that doesn't know about birth control, and has no real problem getting pregnant by men who aren't her H. However, she has found it convenient for her H to adopt one child and come back to take care of another WHILE letting OM play a role.

Do you see any difficulty with this? Do you since that maybe you might be approaching life a bit wrong? If you do, what are you going to do to change. If you don't, why do you think your H would want to be married to you?

By the way, when your H returns, YOUR children will also become HIS children, you had better learn how to share.

Confused, before you try and fix your marriage. I would like to suggest that you see a counselor and see if there is something about life and relationships you might be missing. I know you are going to counseling, but please ask your counselor about this.

You are asking an awful lot from your H, and you don't seem to be offering very much, except to be #4 on your to do list, while expecting him to meet all of your needs. Last time he failed you had an affair and got pregnant. What has changed within you so that this won't happen again?

You are in a very hard place, but you are asking that your voluntarily step into a even harder place, and be at the bottom of your priorities if he does.

I will point something out to you. Your children will all leave one day and they won't be your life. They will love you but they will have lives of their own. The person that should be your life is your H, that is the person you are supposed to be with for life, who you are supposed to love and respect and take care of. Just something for you to consider.

God Bless,

JL

Your H sounds like he has dealt well once with adopting a child that was not his biologocally. But, this is a bit different because of the betrayal of an affair. So, the OM wants to stay involved with the child? This means he will never be totally out of your life, and if your H stays, he will have to deal with that. That is a lot to ask of a man who is being placed as the 4th priority on your list. Frankly, I would go for divorce as well if I were in his shoes.

I think JL has, as usual, hit the nail on the head. If I were your H, I would be very, very hesitant, and I would want some real evidence of change before I would even consider this. I am glad you are in counseling, and hope that you will find some answers there. There are times in life whan a great counselor and a willingness to look at your own heart can change your life.

Good luck.

Kathi

<small>[ July 20, 2003, 07:29 AM: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</small>

My view is that children regardless if they are adopted, stepchildren, or bio children, they all come second. The spouse always comes first. The marriage always comes first. To me, that is the order of the priorities and that eliminates the possibility of any child breaking up any marriage, regardless.

When it comes to the 3 A's--affairs, addiction, and abuse--then yes, the individual has to make the safest, healthiest choice.

I love all my kids, but my husband comes first--always has, always will. And Just Learning is SO right about when the kids leave to go on with their lives, what's left? You and your best friend and spouse! (Hopefully)!

Bin There Dun That,
I responded kind of hurriedly to libby with my reply, but my point was exactly what you said!! KIDS should ALWAYS come 2nd to the spouse. It creates a big mess when spouses are not the top priority because if the marriage is not first, the rest falls apart. I was just stunned that she outright said the OC especially would come before her H, because of all that her H has already dealt with - I am surprised he is around at all anymore. I just hope Libby sees that it will never work in that order.

I understand what every person has said concerning what I said about other child would come first before H. Maybe I am nieve or donot understand love fully yet but I do know that no matter what I would choose to carry the child over the marriage if it was an issue. I am sorry if tjis upsets anyone or makes people doubt hw I truly feel towards my H but I am not going to have an abortion or give a child up for adoption so things would only get worse for me and my other children including my relationship with H due to me regretting what I had done for teh rest of my life. As far I do not know what birth control is I have been on birth control since I was 17 right after my first daughter was born. My first child was not intended I was a teenager having too much fun for the age I was. My second child was planned. This last child was not planned but I was on birth control at the time of conception (Depo Provera have the papers to prove it.) So I do understand fully what birth control is! As far loving my H yes I do love him and I do understand everything I have created can be very confusing but as someone saying that he may think I am only wanting to be with him for him to support my three children that is not true I am fully capable of supporting my children without him. I did not mean to seem as I was placing blame on my H because I do blame myself fully for all my actions, I was trying to describe how I felt when I started the affair. When I started the affair I felt everything was my H fault in our marriage and nothing was to blame on me and I was totally wrong. I just can not believe that someone is telling me that I should consider adoption for my child if I want to be with my H.
Just to keep things up to date: I have spoken with my H about everything I have mentioned in here and we are going to stay married but also at the same time stay seperated for the time being to give him space and time to think things out. This was all his suggestion and I agreed with him. If things get better as we talk about email back and forth then we will start cousleing together and move back in the house together. If things don't seem to work out then we will go from there. Even if things don't work out in the marriage we are still friends and talk on a daily basis. I see his parents on a daily basis as they only live a few blocks from me and I still have a very good relationship with them considering what I have done to their son. Everyone of them do offer help for me and the all children and I am grateful that I can have them to help if it were needed. I have not accepted any help as far I have not needed any.
As far when my H returns MY children will be OUR children also they have always been OUR children. My H would see them on a daily basis if he were here. He has visited them once since we moved back to the US and they were with him everyday for two weeks if he wanted them to be. I have never kept my children from him or his family during the entire time we have been seperated. I am flying with them to see him in September also for one week. So as far the comment I am going to have to learn to share I have shared them and always will not matter what happens.
Maybe I am not doing a good job of explaining things on here because I feel that everything I have said is being turned around. Pls let me know if I have contradicted nyself by anyway and I will try and explain what I have said or tried to say to make things clear.
Me and my H are at a very wierd place right now in our marriage/seperation but we have remained friends and have tried to explain to each other how we are feeling and are reacting to certain things. When I first posted this things were not to clear for us but we are still talking and remain on good terms considering what all has happened. And for that I am grateful to have this wonderful person in my life even if it ends up in divorce.

Libby,
No one on here suggested you get an abortion, and the adoption was as far as I could see, just a suggestion and not an absolute. The point is, if you do not put your marriage and your husband's feelings first, your marriage won't work. Your husband and you would have to come to an agreement about the OC and the role in his life and in your life. You right off the bat, are coming across that you will not sit down with your husband to come to an agreement on that. You seem to think that it is YOUR child, YOUR life, and YOUR business, no matter how it affects your husband. That you care about your husband, in that you have hurt him and that he is a great provider and friend, but not that you care enough to consider how he would feel about OM being in the child's life or about if HE would ever want you to consider adoption. The policy of joint agreement that is discussed on this website (have you read it, or the 4 rules of marriage?- Care, protection, time and honesty?) does not mean that your husband would have the final say so on this, just that he has input. It DOES mean that if you care enough about your marriage, you would both have input until you came to a conclusion that you could both live with as happily as possible.
IMHO, you seem very selfish and maybe you need to grow up a little and practice these concepts. I wish you the best of luck in your situation.

I really don't see her giving up the child. IF my H made me give up any of my childrent o save the marriage, I would hold it against him the rest of my life.

The laws need to be checked also. In my situation, my H is listed as the father for both the children I had with DM. According to the law, any child conceived and born in a marriage is the husbands. We were even taken to court by the DM for this and he lost. Even with a DNA test to prove.

I feel for you, been there myself. With the last child I had with OM, H told me to abort it. Couldn't do it. He didn't want nothing to do with me the entire pregnacy. Even was pissed off when he found out it was a boy. Now my son is 2yrs old and H loves him like his own. SO there is a chance. Give it time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Crazymum:
[QB] IF my H made me give up any of my childrent o save the marriage, I would hold it against him the rest of my life.QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And, perhaps he will always hold it against you the rest of HIS life that you called all the shots and refused to make him or his feelings your #1 priority...and you did this TWICE.

[QUOTE] And, perhaps he will always hold it against you the rest of HIS life that you called all the shots and refused to make him or his feelings your #1 priority...and you did this TWICE [QUOTE]

You can think that. If you knew what my marriage is like. No way in hell am I giving up any of my children just to make him happy. It was his choice to stay. With my first daughter with DM, I told H when he came back from his girlfriends. He knew from the beginging. His girlfriend was pregnant at the same time. With my son, it was the last time I was intimate with DM. My marriage was bascially over and I wasn't about to kill an innocent child to please my drunk of a H. When the time came, H wante his name on the birth certificate. H is the one who dug up the info for court and won against DM. But on the same thing, H did alot of this to get back at DM.

But you wanna know what, he doesn't give a damn about his son with OW. I have more of a relationship with this inocent child than he does.

<small>[ July 21, 2003, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: Crazymum ]</small>