I have not posted here for a long time, yet visit daily. I have my reasons for this. In general, I feel that this board has changed in many ways since I came here in 7/00. There are a few that I connected with that may want an update if they are lurking, and a few whose opinion I value very much. That being said, here is my update...
Hi all, if any remember me!
I have been coming here daily to keep up to date, but have been pretty scarce in the past few weeks as we had three vacations that came up back to back. Starting June 3rd we were in Myrtle Beach for 3 days, back home for two days, to NJ for 14 days, PA for 1 day, Maryland for 2 days, home for 3 and then camping in Blue Ridge mountains for 4 days...we are very tan, tired and happy to be back in our beds indefinately...
I say that because it seems that our move is coming soon. If you all remember we came to NC just two years ago, and my H was offerd a great position which he took. But in the contract he agreed to move. We have had no bites on our house, and it seems they (the current company) are now pushing for the move. We have lowered the price of our house considerably and I have called upon St Joseph to help us out. My H is toying with many scenarios, getting an apt for him in Tenn, getting all of us out there in an apt, renting our current house out...it is all very confusing. I like where I live, but not attatched to it. I will say this much...I have never had to work so HARD at maintaining friendships. Where I used to live (up north) I never had this problem. Seems like it is all so competitive, and I am not.

Another developement in my life, one that in some respects should make me very happy, is that the OW and her new H want to adopt the OC. She had called to tell my H that they would like to adopt next year and would he agree to it. He is all for it, as he thinks it would be better for the baby having a father figure in his life. I am so mixed on this. I ususally don't post my feelings about this situation b/c I don't want people to think I am heartless, but here goes. At first I was numb, not knowing how to feel b/c I felt like I no longer would have a reason to be so angry with H. That the one thing that is left of reminding me of the affair would be gone, as if he (the baby) wasn't out there anymore. I also felt like I could no longer be mad about her getting the money b/c if they adopt then the payments would stop. I also was wondering if he would have to be present in court to allow it and could I handle being there. He has told her that he will agree to it, but had first told me that he wanted it done soon, not in a year. She resonded that they are planning it for next year, and my H feels that it is b/c that is when the baby will start school. I remain mixed on my emotions.

I am also really trying hard to get some grip on our recovery. Guys, I am now 3 years post d-day, officially on 7/13, and I still think about it so much and still am VERY angry. In the past few months though I have been really working hard on me, and trying hard to see what we can do to make a better marriage, but the scarey part is that I am finding that we are such different people. And I don't know if that is b/c we were always that way and just never realized it and/or dealt with it our own ways. Or is the events of our marriage that have changed both of us so much that we are at different places. At times these places seem further away than before the whole mess got started. I am sure about my decision to reconcile, I know we can do it, but cetain things need to be addressed. In the one hand I feel his betrayal has altered me to a person he will soon tire of tolerating, and on the other, I need him so much. I had a problem today (yes that friendship thing) and who did I call for advice? H. See, he is good at resolving confilcts, thinks quickly and usually is right. He is good at most things, is doing all the right stuff, so in essence I feel like I am having a hard time measuring up. I am just so friggin' tired of being STUCK!

I could go on and on about all this, my head goes all day! From thinking about all the right things he is doing, to all the ways I stuff in the things that really hurt.

I love him very much, really want to get thru this, just tired of the ride....and the ride is not just with him...issues with family, friends....it just all factors in.

Well just wanted to say Hi!

HI <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
NGU

Heyyy!
You don't need to introduce yourself to ME! I remember you!!!

Well it sounds like your vacation was fabulous!

OTOH, it sounds like your recovery has been thrown a curve! Wow... It's good news tho, ya gotta admit--xOW getting on with her new life and exiting yours! That's a blessing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But it seems like now you are really being forced to deal with the anger problem.

You have heard the saying, "Anger is about YOU, not the person on the receiving end...?" Think about it and keep asking yourself why until you get to the root of the anger or the hurt.

Could it be that you are really mad at God?

I know you are a believer and you probably can't imagine that you could be in that category, but see if you might be?

Start with the question, Why am I angry? Why am I hurt? Because my husband betrayed me. Why? Because I wasn't good enough (or whatever your answer might be). Why? Because I'm too fat or skinny or moody or whatever... Why? etc...

I would like to encourage you to really get to the root of it and you may very well discover something inside of you (an ungodly attitude or mindset) that needs to be dealt with?

Whaddayathink?

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 03:51 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

NGU:

Well, I remember you too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The adoption sounds like a good thing all around. A win for the child, a win for you and husband, and a win for the OW and husband.

I'll ask the same question that BTDT did---what are you angry about? Anger is your emotion, although I don't believe that it can't be about the person on the receiving end. You need to figure out what's the source of the anger, and come up with a plan to address it (if possible).

Being different isn't a bad thing in a marriage. You will both have strengths and weaknesses. You seem to be focusing on his strengths and how they compensate for your weaknesses. But instead of using the word compensate---try to think of compliment instead. And where are his weaknesses---and how do you compliment those? My guess is that you do, but you haven't patted yourself on the back for this (or had him compliment you in this area).

Keep plugging away. This sounds like a typical marriage bump---not a major disaster.

NGU,

I remember you as well! And, agree with everything that K and BTDT have already said! I know that I have decided to read some of the books by Harley again! It never hurts to re-read/review what you already know, cause it often opens your eyes to something new that may work better for you and/or H!

I know how you feel about the house not selling, and not knowing what to do about it! We've sorta been there and done that as well, including renting the house, which actually worked for us. And we were able to sell the house 2 years later.

As for the xOW and her new H wanting to adopt OC, that's great! I know that when I gave my child up for adoption, I did not have to be in court or even see the family(personally, if I knew the family personally I wouldn't have a life, and would be camped on their doorstep to make sure that the baby, who is now 15 1/2 yrs old, was ok!!!!). We signed the papers at my parents home with my attorney, and she then took them to the family and their attorney. Of course, this was all 72 hours AFTER she was born, and I don't know if it would be different for a child of school age. I would suggest that you call an attorney who does adoptions, and just ask if that's what will happen.

I wish you all the luck with your move and this adoption, and keep working on your M/relationship w/your H! Like K said, being different is not a problem, sometimes it's best that way! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God Bless,

Tigger

P. S. I am going through a bible study with my summer M.O.P.S. group and it's using a study book by Cynthia Heald, called "Loving Your Husband" and there is a companion study for the men called "Loving Your Wife". You can do this with a friend or with your H together. It really makes you think about your M and relationship whether you are identical or complete opposites, or fall somewhere inbetween! Just something that I thought of that may also help.

Tigger

NGU,
I apologize for not answering your private email eons ago. It's still in my inbox, but it doesn't seem like I'll get to it. My life is so busy I had to get up at 430am to have computer time.

For what it's worth, I think the XOW's H adopting the OC is EXCELLENT!! Best for all involved. I hope it goes through, even if it means a year or two sorting it out.

Re: your recovery being stuck, what has your counselor said?? If your counselor isn't helpful enough, have you tried talking to a different counselor, or your priest/minister/whatever? Sometimes they have training in counseling too.

I can't know what's got you stuck, but just think of this... how much of your life do you really want to dwell on this? Life is too short...

God be with you,
J

NGU,
I know for me that my anger is a sort of "protection". If I keep my anger, I keep up my guard and maybe I won't get betrayed and hurt again. So underneath it all for me is the fear that I will open myself up, be vulnerable and possibly get hurt all over again. The problem being, that as long as I hold onto the anger I still get hurt. I get hurt because I don't open myself up for the true joys of intimacy and connectedness. I'm working on setting boundaries and limits in healthier ways. This has been a very slow journey for me. The other "role" that anger plays for me is that a part of me doesn't want my WS to get off "too easily" for what he did. If I get to feeling that I'm still hurting more than he seems to be about issues around the affair, some part of me wants to make him suffer, too. (Not that I'm proud of that!!) You might talk with your counselor about this if it resonates at all for you. I wish you the best.

It has been a rough day for me.I had an argument with some "friends' which basically I feel became like a roast for me. My H called later tonight I explained it all and he is livid. Tonight, I can't wait to get the hell outta here. After all that was revealed to me it will be very difficult for me to be open and beyond civil for a while...as my H said to me tonight..."this is far from over" as far as he is concerned! {{enter knight in shining armour on noble steed...center stage!}}
But I wanted to thank you all for your help b4 I go to bed.

BTDT: I believe there is a God, but do not practice my religion. No excuses, just feel out of touch.In answer to the anger question it would oftentimes be with what he said/did/implied. You know what...if we were to divorce it wouldn't be due to the affair...but the marital stuff that never got addressed.

K: Hi there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am going to quote you here...(my cut and paste way as I still don't know the REAL way!)

Quote"Being different isn't a bad thing in a marriage. You will both have strengths and weaknesses. You seem to be focusing on his strengths and how they compensate for your weaknesses. But instead of using the word compensate---try to think of compliment instead. And where are his weaknesses---and how do you compliment those? My guess is that you do, but you haven't patted yourself on the back for this (or had him compliment you in this area)." End Quote
***Ahhhh no, no, and yes. I am more focusing on the weaknesses, the things he CHOOSES to do even though he KNOWS it will push my buttons! And No, after today I am left with not many good feelings aboput myself...but bowled a h&!! of a game tonight on my league! So for me to feel I compliment him...no I more so I sometimes feel like I annoy him and he tolerates me. So therefore yes, I fail to recognize and therefore don't pat myself on the back...

Quote"Keep plugging away. This sounds like a typical marriage bump---not a major disaster." End Quote
***God, I hope you are right!

Tigger: Thats funny, as I have been thinking of opening the library of books I have and have never read...Also I used to belong to MOPS as well.

Jenny: Don't worry about the e-mail...although it is still an issue, I got bigger things brewing here. My counselor is good, and is wanting to address some things in our next visit.

Lily: Like I wrote to Jenny, our counselor is helping me with all this, and BTW yes, all you wrote resonates with me...absolutely!!!!

I am so emotionally drained right now, I must go to bed, thanks for all your kind thoughts! I'll check in tomorrow.
NGU

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 12:59 AM: Message edited by: Not Giving Up ]</small>

Who can forget you, NGU? You complicated little pirate.

Just my opinion, but I would venture a guess as to why you are conflicted over the OW's new husband adopting the C: it is because of all the horrendous dues you have paid on their behalf in time, effort, money, angst and the upheaval in your life you have experienced because of it all these couple years only to have her basically call the last shot and say, "Uh, just kidding!"

Think of it this way....EVERYONE here wins. You, your husband, and best of all the child. In time, you can move on as if it never happened. I would give my left nut (if I had one) to be able to come here and crow that I had just been blessed with what you are being blessed with now. Lucky, lucky you.

I worry about your desire to hang onto negative anger towards your husband when you have such an opportunity for true healing and recovery, NGU. Why would you want to keep this over his head when he probably feels worse about this than you do. He has to live with the fact that he did this to you and to your marriage and that is very debilitating for both of you. Please let it go. Practice the Harley principles and focus on meeting your hsuband's needs. Be grateful for this incredible gift, this reprieve and feel free to gloat at my jealousy.

God bless, NGU, and may your demons leave on the first plane out.

Catnip =^^=

NGU how nice to hear from you! I think all of the oldies here have hit upon why you still hold anger.

Believe me when I tell you I had anger at different people at different times during the past few years. It started with God. Then in time through prayers, counselling, and my husbands helping me to feel safe, I released the anger.
Oh! I still have my days....I won't address that here though.

I think catnip may have hit on something here. The memory and the money spent to round this matter up seems so senseless now, huh?

Go on now, NGU, start enjoying your life again. You and your H have been given a gift in each other again.
Here's to hoping that house sells and to better days without anger.

You will do it NGU, you will. Give it time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
love
Debi

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 09:33 AM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

NGU, I remembered you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I read all the other posts, felt you might want to go to the top . so thought I would post and keep you there.

I think the adoption will be a good thing for all of you. If the OC has allowed you to hold onto your anger, then it is definitely better if he no longer is an issue because he is no longer Your H's, but his mother (OW) and her husband.

Letting go of the anger is truly a major step in healing your relationship.

Take Care,
Texasgirl