It is SOOOO good to see so many of the oldies and the newbies out and responding again. Well, you can count on me to stir the pot, at least <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I was going to comment on how disappointing our sons, who have known and loved their father all their lives, is a totally different subject than BS choosing no contact with an OC. Not saying it is better or worse - just DIFFERENT. However, so much has happened, I think I'll just get to the update instead.

And besides, the controversy did breathe some life into these otherwise slow boards, right?

ANyway, Charlie (my ex) reappeared on Monday. Whatever plans he had to move to the Poconos apparantly did not work out. I have a feeling the relatives he thought would take him in said "get lost." So he called, demanding time with the children. Here is where things get ugly. In the meantime, knowing that he had moved out of the former marital residence (which is owned by my aunt and uncle) I took the opportunity to go and retrieve some of my personal items that he refused to let me have. Since I left for law school, Charlie has not allowed me to have anything that I didn't take with me to begin with - and the things I asked for were all personal things, some heirlooms, but mostly my own clothing, like winter coats, and including maternity clothes and baby clothes that I wanted to send out to Twiisty - like he had any use for maternity clothes and/or women's coats! So Jarett (current boyfriend) and I travel out to the house. It is the first time I have been there since last December, when we had our last violent episode. We walked into the house, and were immediately overcome by the stench. Charlie had obviously not cleaned anything in months. There was trash stuffed in every crevice, a layer of slime on everything in the kitchen, and garbage (not in bags) piled as tall as I am (5 foot 10 inches) on the back porch. There were dirty diapers everywhere (from our two year old, who has not figured out potty training yet) and the toilet in the bathroom was literally black inside with various fungi. We discovered that Charlie, for some unknown reason, had decided not to let the boys use the single beds that I left for them upstairs, and instead had them sleep all together on a dirty mattress he pulled out from under his bed each time they were there. It gets even worse. At one point he had a dog, which he locked in the pantry when he was at work. The entire room was filled with dog feces. And upstairs, our cat had had kittens, and then died shortly afterwards. Apparantly, he never bothered to remove the carcass until it rotted. When I opened that door, I nearly vomited from the smell. From what we could gather from the boys they were allowed to "play with" the newborn kittens until they died from being handled to early and not having mother's milk. I just broke down and cried and cried to think that every weekend my boys were subjected to that filth. I do not really mind an untidy house, and lord knows, mine sometimes gets messy. But this was something out of a horror story. I have never ever, not even when I was a caseworker working with dysfunctional poverty-stricken families, seen anything like it. I don't know why the boys had not complained, but probably it was a mixture of loyalty to their father and being afraid to say anything.

I don't know what we will do with the house at this point, but everything inside of it will have to be burned or taken to the dump. It is that bad.

I have considered pressing child endangerment charges against him, but have decided that it is not what the children need right now. It will only make them part of "the system". But we are going to videotape the condition of the house for future reference.

Also, CHarlie had not paid on ANYTHING for months. THe electric and water and sewer are shut off. Probation is after him for nonpayment. I don't know what he has been doing with his money, and I am afraid he was drinking it all away. I am not even sure what the boys were eating when they were with him.

So, Charlie wants to see the boys again. He makes no apologies for not showing up, blaming it on me, and saying that he didn't think he had to tell me if his plans changed. When he first called, he was very belligerent and abusive, and then he learned that I had been through the house, and his whole mannerism changed.

I have bent over backwards to be accomodating to him, but at this point, it is done with. I told him, in no uncertain terms, that he will NOT be allowed to have ANY access to the children until we have guidelines in place to ensure their safety. It is clear that Charlie is far more emotionally unbalanced than I previously thought, to allow something like this to go on. Jarett and I have talked at length about what to do, and we are going to insist that his visits are short in duration to begin with, that he attend parenting classes, and that his new apartment is subject to inspection by a neutral party once a month. We are supposed to sit down and talk with Charlie sometime soon to tell him what he will need to do before he gets to see the children again. From now on, he does not get the opportunity to be verbally abusive to me during custody exchanges, and we have told him that if he does not begin to act responsibly and get himself together, I will file a restraining order and legally block access to the boys. So far, Charlie is doing his usual making excuses and trying to foist the blame for his conduct on everybody else. We'll see how it comes out. Right now, I can't get over the horror of what I have seen. It is truly sickening what he has put the boys through. I will not let that happen again. I had absolutely no idea that he was living like that, and it literally made me ill.

So right now, the boys do not even know that he is back, or that he wants contact again. Charlie is bringing his good friend the minister to sit with Jarett and I and negotiate future visitation sometime this weekend. Wish me luck on this. I am hoping that he is voluntarily compliant with our demands of him, but I doubt if he will be. I do not intend on asking for anything that is unreasonable, but I definitely want some safety assurances before we proceed in any manner.

It is so good to see everybody writing again. I'll let you know what happens as we proceed.

With love,
cd

I realise I am not the one you want to hear this from, but I think you should at the very least take the tape and show the minister the condition of the house. My heart is just sick for those kids, How could you have known...Dont blame your self. Thank God you know know. I am truly sorry your children endured this.
You have to find away to document this and prevent him from having those boys in that condition, he obviously needs supervised visits. The law is on your side, you could obviously prove him unfit.

But understand not wanting to drag the kids through that either. One of the reasons we never went to court.

Good luck.

Good Lord cd!
I know for sure Charlie is suffering from a mental problem but I don't know which one!

Please do not let the boys go there until he is stable!
Perhaps you can explain dad isn't feeling well to the older ones.
To help explain at least.

I am sickened as to what you found cd.
YOU KNOW THIS ISN'T CHARLIE!!!

I think he's sunk into a deep depression. While it's not up to you to help him out now can a relative or your minister talk to him and seek medical help?

cd, something has to happen....I know you know he would never do such things as letting the house go and the animal thing is way too much.

I say it signals a mental condition.

I know Jarett will help you solve some of this and for yours and your boys sake I hope the sooner the better.

I am praying now cd.

And yes o-tall-one you stirred emotions in the ones who remember and love you...sight unseen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

While I pray for all of you (Charlie too) know you gave the board life again!

I haven't spent so much time on the computer since...well...you remember....

love ya cd,
Debi

CD,

They need a "pop-eyed" smiley for this one at the top of the page!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I am at a complete loss as to what to say!!!! Definately I will be praying for ALL of you! I agree with what you and Jarrett are doing. Don't let Charlie even try to have the upper hand in this as the boys safety is definately at risk when they are with him!!!! Is your aunt and uncle going to do anything about it? Can they legally have him evicted? Again, I don't know what to say!

You have my prayers and love!

Tigger

Wow, sounds like Charlie has been putting up a big front. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It's really sad!!! I wish you the best because the boys need a 100% dad and if he can't live with them 100%, at least he can be at his 100% best when he visits with them. Good luck cd!

Isn't it touching how the kids didn't even care about the surroundings, just wanted to be with their dad. Talk about unconditional love! It just melts my heart! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

CD, have you considered that your ex is suffering from a mental illness, like bipolar disorder=i.e. manic-depressive illness. I think he is in his late 20's or so-could be a possiblity. You might want to call police and have them do a welfare check on him-- they can go to his house, see how he is, bring him into hospital for psychiatric evaluation. I am in mental health field-it is a possibility.

(((((cd)))))
I meant to respond to your other post, but had lost track of the time. I am glad to see you back on the boards, but I am sorry to see the circumstance that renewed your posting.

How dare he!!! Please put that legal know how into use and protect those kids. It always amazes me how fiercly loyal children are to their parents - even abusive, neglectful ones.

I think you have presented a rational approach to the issues at hand. Ugh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

On a side note I had looked for you a while back, I had a qustion about a legal matter. I envy you being in law school and all - w/ kids AMAZING!!! I will go but I am waiting till my little one (9) is a bit older. I actually got accepted at Mercer although I would never be able to afford it.

Bried update on me - FMM and I had court this week in re his daughter (almost 2) from the M. I am the one that handled all the preparing and filing of the responses to his XW's atty. The atty threatened me on the phone stated he would tell the judge I was practicing law w/out having passed the bar. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Also their request for FMM to pay her atty's fees was DENIED. She also had a lot of incidental requests such as she did not want me allowed to take the baby swimming, do the child's hair, or take her to her MD appts - judge stated he did not have time for such foolishness. Even her own atty seemed pissed at her.

All a bluff. Our schedule of visitation was changed to reflect FMM's new work schedule AND we got the right of first refusal added. Thus we now have the baby M - F for 9 hours each day plus our reg 72 hhours - 3 days per week!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> This amounts to more than 50% per week!!!!!!!!

We still have court on the 22 for his son. I am going to ask the judge fine the opposing atty $500 as she has admitted to advising her client to not release the child for the court ordered visits. Thus 100% of visitation was denied for June and now July. We have that hearing on the 22nd. I have bbeen prepping FMM very hard so he will be ready.

All in all not bad for someone who is anxiously waiting to follow in your footsteps!

I will check back in to see how you are doing. I know you will continue to what is in the best interest of your kids as always. good luck.

PSS FMM had the vasectomy we had talked about before w/out any complications I know u mentioned your SO was considering it. tew

cd!

I sat reading this information with my mouth hanging open in astonishment. Thank God he was out of town so you could access the house and take a video of the filth. I can't even imagine how this must be impacting your children or what it must be like for them on their weekends there. I keep wondering if the "minister" has actually been in and seen the house or if Charlie keeps her out of there. I wonder how she would feel or what she would think if she actually saw the place. It would certainly be a clear indication of someone who is very, very sick.

I have a new e-mail address for a couple weeks while I am moving...I'll write to you tonight.

Cat

cd,

The description fits the behavior pattern for someone under severe depression or with some other mental dysfunction. There's probably no chance in hell you can drag him to a doctor---but that's where he needs to be.

Dear CD,

I am sorry for intruding, but I just have to respond to this.

Your Ex-H is definitely ill, and needs help, but it is not worth the risk to your children. Please go to an attorney and ask him/her to file a Motion to Modify the custody order. No judge in his right mind will allow children to be exposed to what you have described.

If you are still in law school, and are strapped for cash, ask some of your law professors for help finding an attorney who will do this cheap. At my law school, there was an older prof who did this kind of thing just because he had a big heart.

You have done the right thing in videotaping this. This will be the perfect exhibit to show the judge.

Again, forgive me for intruding, but when it comes the safety or health of kids, I just feel that I have to say something.

CD, I hadn't replied earlier because I was so appalled at the situation. I didn't know what to say. I have since read the other posts.
K as usual responds with something sound and unbiased, to paraphrase a news channel, "no spin".
I have no psych background ( unless being a "psycho wife" grants it), but it sounds like your ex does need some major help.
I'd restrict my children from that environment if I were in your shoes. It always comes back to do what is best for you and your children.
Please let us know what is going on for you and come back for support. As you can see the silent majority is here for you and become not so silent when it is needed.

Texasgirl