Has anyone on this Board actually been in this for the long haul, I mean 10 years and over. If your husband and you have been involved with OC, is the child growing up with hangups, knowing he is the result of an infidelity, that his mother got involved and broke up anothers' home because he was conceived. I would like to know how they act when they are teenagers and how rebellious they become (boys would be worse, I suppose) with this on their lap? But I don't know if anyone on the Board has made it this far. If all of us are newcomers (under five years at this), how can we really tell what is best for us. Is it a continual hassle through life. I'm sure it depends on you as the person, but I would like to know if anyone has really done this for a long period of time and how they managed, what their regrets, if any, are, etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If your husband and you have been involved with OC, is the child growing up with hangups, knowing he is the result of an infidelity, that his mother got involved and broke up anothers' home because he was conceived. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dscheller,
I dont think you can find a cut and dry answer that has all those factors. If the couple involved is helping to raise the child, then obviously what the om and the ow did, was a mutual factor. and the marriage is not ruined.[BECAUSE THEY HAVE REPAIRED IT]
So that statement doesnt make sense, at least not to me.

Now I have no plans on telling my daughter her father spent so much time trying to break of my family, what good would it do, except hurt my daughter, and why would I do that, why would any one do that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> She loves him I wouldnt hurt her by belittling him or him me. Because after all we are both guilty of producing a child. And he almost succeded in breaking up my family however he didnt, we are still together as is he and his spouse, so The truth will be she was given to us as a blessing and I truly feel she is a blessing. Do you think any one has a solid promise that the teen they have been raising wont turn into an alien that we dont recognise, two parent family or not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have two teen boys and they know how my daughter was concieved, they know and understand who om is and that he invaded the family they had thought was so perfect. But they are great teens, they are honor students, loving , helpful, good,outgoing, and forgiving They have handled a few situations better than some 40 year olds I know. I think it is a draw of the cards what your teen will do once they are a teen, but hopefully with guidance and love, and a positive attitude it should be ok.We all pray all of our children make good healthy decisions even if there two parents dont always do so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
We havent reached the 5 year mark, but getting there fast, and I have found what has helped the most, is that neither party says any thing bad about the other party in front of any children, it isnt the place for it, and discussions should be held in private.

Dont you think as parents no matter how they were brought into this world, you have to do what you think is best? Sometimes we will make mistakes, but again as long as we make decisions out of love, then I think the rest is up to them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I believe the only way a boy or girl would grow up with hangups is if someone pointed out these differences on a regular basis and made them feel as if it was there fault, But if both parties love said child, How can it possibly be bad?
:)I would be intrested to know as well, but I cant recall any one who fits your description, maybe someone else does, but I would be curious as well.
By the way, I was just curious, I am not judging you, Just thinking about your question.

<small>[ July 14, 2003, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

My OC had a lot of social problems and was completely rebellious as a teenage boy. I'm sure it was a result of low self-esteem and misplaced loyalty (didn't feel like he needed to obey his stepdad since stepdad was not his "real" dad)... I have read that kids growing up with both parents tend to have more self-esteem. (Knowing exactly who they came from is probably a huge part of it.) I also believe growing up with both parents gives kids that extra sense of security.

I raised the OC without contact and for 10 years before I got married. I have twins with my H and I definitely can see a difference between the one I raised alone and the ones who have a sense of family in their daily lives. The #1 thing I believe my OC missed out on having in his life is a sense of family.

I'm sure my promiscuous past weighed heavily on my OC. It's nothing to be proud of and I was completely honest with him the whole time. I think now that he is almost 21, he has more compassion for my situation considering he is the age I was when he was conceived!

So although your question was not directed toward me, per se, I can honestly answer your question with a big I DON'T KNOW??!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Only because all kids are different and situations are different. I agree with mo5 that how the adults in the situation handle it make all the difference and it may all boil down to the value programming the OC receives from the adults involved. If OCs are told that THEY are a mistake, they will probably have some hangups.

One thing I will never regret and that is being honest with myself and my kid. He never had to find out the truth about himself or me or the past from any "well-meaning" friend or relative.

<small>[ July 14, 2003, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Well, I can see how the marriage can be ruined because triggers are buried under the surface like timebombs everywhere. You never know what will set one off? Could be a certain date, or time of year, or a song, or D-day, anything?! And the BS doesn't know how to deal with it because they come so out of nowhere!!

Affairs do ruin lives and that's the bottom line.

I didn't think that at first, but after posting here for as long as I have, I can admit it and own it and apologize for my role in it.

It's true.

I think BtDt is the only one on the board who HAS been there, done that! Her OC is an adult now.

I've knew two grown OC long before my H had an OC. One was a college buddy. Another was my uncle's OC (he had two <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ), my bio-cousin. I don't know how H's OC will turn out, but I know how those two turned out.

Best wishes to all,
J, 5y and counting...

I agree completely with Jenny. BTDT's son is an adult and she can tell you how he survived life as an OC. From what I have read, her son grew from a troubled teen into a wonderful young man; sensitive, kind, understanding but not without scars and disappointments. However, that being said, (and tell me if I am wrong, BTDT) her son now seems to be remarkably "whole" despite the origins. Is that accurate, BTDT?

Cat

I think yes, catnip,
IMVBO (in my very biased opinion), <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> whoever marries my OC will get one loving, affectionate, sensitive guy! I just keep pointing him to God to fill whatever is empty in his life.

I remember when he was 17 and it was his bio father's birthday, I suggested that if he wanted to send a card that I could make sure it got delivered if he wanted to? Basically I was just trying to feel him out since he never discusses his feelings regardless of my prying!

His response was shocking but I remained calm and thought to myself (FINALLY! He is getting it!) I don't remember his exact words but he said, "Why would I want to send a birthday card to someone I don't even know and who doesn't even know me?"

I think I was relieved to know that he wasn't in that frame of mind to try to go force someone into a relationship who didn't wish to be in one, ya know?

I think he is in a healthy place. I'm sure he probably wants MORE from us, even kids who seem to have it all always want more from their parents.

Right now, he is on good terms with his stepfather. They got into it because OC was disrespecting our house rules. So whenever OC comes to visit, I have to kind of twist his arm to go be social with his stepdad but OC knows stepdad was right. OC is not willing to thank stepdad for nudging OC out of the nest to go be a man right now but someday, he will!

He needed a little nudge. Like a baby bird who is happy to be fed all snuggly in the nest feeling safe and warm! I think I heard Dr.Laura repeat the quote about what is better? Feeding someone all their lives or teaching them to fish so they can feed themselves for a lifetime? Something like that? Anyway, it was time for OC to learn how to fish! So far, so good!

<small>[ July 15, 2003, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Thanks for the replies everyone. Is anyone a betrayed wife who has brought the child into helife for any prolonged length of time? Are you BTDT???? You said you brought the OC child up alone for 10 years so your situation must be different somehow. I know some of you are. My oldest child is 23 and I keep wondering things like, what if she has a child and the grandchild has something he wants grandpa to watch at school, but the OC has something the same night? How are choices going to be made then. Do I want to be angry my whole life? It's already been one year and three months and I seem to get angrier by the day. If I get out of this relationship then I won't have to face all those problems. I won't even ever have to meet OW. As it is now, she doesn't want the OC to come to this house, until he can talk. Won't let my husband take him anywhere alone. She has to go with. I don't think so, unless something changes in this relationship along the way or H goes behind my back. Forget about Plan A or B, husband doesn't like to read that stuff.

Hi d,
No, I'm not a BS and I know your q was directed toward BS's...

I guess you just have to cross those bridges when you get there and believe that your H will be on your side supporting you all the way!

If I'm not mistaken, Plan A and Plan B are designed for you to help you get in a position to negotiate what you want to happen regarding recovery from the affair. If you don't find a way to get your needs met (by filling your H's ENs and not LBing), then you probably will struggle with anger for the duration... After giving and giving and giving in to your H's insistence on seeing xOW because of OC, I could see how that will deplete your love bank!!