I am sitting here, wondering what kind of a person am I ,you see, as the wife, I am so glad my h has little to do with oc, rarely sees him, but as a mother, I think how can he do this , give his own son such little emotional support, I see a child who is crying out for love and attention from his father, but yet at the same time that I feel sorry for oc, I feel happy that my h has little to do with him, the oc is not a baby hes 15 yrs old, we found out about him 2 and half years ago, how do you , the ones with contact with ocm deal with the different emotions you feel inside, how do you direct the hate and anger, I am so tired of feeling guilty about my feelings towards the oc PLEASE HELP

Why would you feel so angry toward the child when he had nothing to do with it? And he is already 15 years old, so it's not like you had to suffer for those 15 years. You didn't even know about it, and what you don't know, doesn't hurt you right???? Now that he's older he shouldn't be such a threat to you, or his mother, that was 15 LONG years ago.??? How would you like to be like some of us, wondering when she is going to have the baby, calling hospitals to see if she did have the baby, wondering what the name ended up to be on the birth certificate, wondering if your husband is going over to see his baby, without telling you because he knows it will UPSET you. Would you have liked to have gone through all that??? Of course, you should be mad at your husband and probably hateful towards him, like I am sometimes, but the child really has nothing to do with it. Can't you help him get throught life? Maybe he just found out who his Dad was 2 and a half years ago also, wondering all his life. Think how he feels??? Only saying all this to help you feel better. (don't know if I succeeded, but that was my intention)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dscheller:
<strong>Why would you feel so angry toward the child when he had nothing to do with it? And he is already 15 years old, so it's not like you had to suffer for those 15 years. You didn't even know about it, and what you don't know, doesn't hurt you right???? Now that he's older he shouldn't be such a threat to you, or his mother, that was 15 LONG years ago.??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am new here and am not trying to be negative, but I have to say that it seems unfair to minimize her feelings because she is honest enough to express what they are. Just because the child is 15 doesn't change the fact that he is the product of something as painful as an affair. and the fact that the deception lasted 15 years seems very hard to swallow. I have seen plenty of posts here with people expressing the same feelings 2 years after D day and they aren't criticized and told in essence to get over it. Perhaps that wasn't your intention but that is how it sounded to me. Certainly the child is affected but so is she and so are HER children born IN the marriage. I admire her having the guts to say what plenty here are thinking about their own situation. The bottom line is none of us are better off because we found out when we did and how we did, they are all just our circumstances in awful situations and each is as real and important to us.

befar,

What kind of person are you? Well, judging only by one small paragraph, I see you as a loving wife and mother. I also see you as a kind, compassionate woman, wanting to accept and reach out to a young boy but afraid of the possible repercussions.

Did you know about the prior infidelity 15 years ago and just find out about the child two years ago or were you hit with the affair/child info at the same time?

befar, your feelings are not unusual. The discovery of infidelity in a marriage is so tramatic. Add the additional pain of an OC and the hurt and devastation is enormous. The question is: What are you and your H doing about this? Are you able to discuss your conflicting feelings about the child with your H and how does he feel? Are you in counseling?

((((befar)))))

I know that everyone is suppose to share their opinions here but celler is WAY out of line in my opinion!! I feel the SAME way about my OC. Part of me is sad and hurts for a child to not know their bio-father in their life but a bigger part of me KNOWS that not having a father in her/his life is the price the child has to pay for what his/her parents did. Just like the children IN the marriage and the BS have to pay a price too. It is VERY unfair to ALL the innocent people in the A that we have to pay for what 2 selfish, irresponsible people decided to do. But LIFE isn't fair!! I would say that a majority of women in our situations feel the same way. As a woman and a mother you feel for the child, ANY child born that will not have a full time Dad in their life BUT as WOMAN and a wife your grateful that your WS has made you and your family the priority and knows that contact with the OC and OW hurts recovery. The bit$h in me will fully admit that a part of me feels some satisfaction that the OW hurts and is suffering too, I'm sad that a child has to be involved in that price. I have always said that I hope my OC has a happy, healthy life, just not in MY life. Why should we place MORE importance on the OC then our own children and families? Did the OW think of the BS and the children in the marriage when she got pregnant? HELL NO!! Take care of yourself and I wish you and your H a fast, happy recovery! What your feeling is COMPLETELY normal. Try to focus on your needs and what you need WS to do to get through this situation. In a way I think you have it even harder if you WANTED to see this child. He is 15yrs and we all KNOW its easier to bond with younger children than a teenager. Good luck to you.

Hmmm...I echo dscheller's sentiments, advice and POV.

Nerlycrazy and TINML, I understand what you are saying and I don't think dscheller was dismissing any of the trauma or the ambivalent feelings befar is experiencing by suggesting (albeit strongly) that she has been spared 15 years of the horror most of us have had to face.

My first reaction was similar to dscheller's because I would give anything to not be forced, mandated and extorted from via the long aggressive arm of the OW/courts. To have to live with this on a day to day basis for the past five years has been nothing short of severe emotional distress. To be constantly harassed by the XOW through the courts is torture, unbelievable torture. And we don't see any justice or relief in the near future.

Most people who refuse contact have been the victims of a demanding XOW and an unjust legal system. They are being pushed and forced to comply with something that is causing hardship for their children and family so they rebel. They don't want anything to do with the source of this awful discomfort, so they make no attempt to be involved. I think the point dscheller was trying to make is that under the circumstances, providing that this child is not the result of betrayal, you can afford to be kind to this lonely, needy child. I raised my husband's two kids from his previous marriage and I had no heartburn over it since they were born BEFORE I knew him and neither was a product of betrayal. I think that's the key to whether or not we can accept a child born in such an unconventional way that has impacted our lives and our kids' lives.

We all know it isn't the child's fault.

I feel as sorry for the boy as I do for befar because of the pain of longing for his Dad all these years. But most of all, I am deeply saddened that you, befar, have been dealt a horrible unexpected revelation and struggle with your guilt over your very normal feelings.

befar, in order for anyone to give you sound advice, I guess we need to know if this child was prior or post your marriage. I know you are struggling with resentment and feelings of hate. You know that in the healing process we all feel these very same feelings in the beginning, but they pass in time when the marriage recovers. It might be easier to open your heart to the OC when you and your husband have spent a few months rebuilding your marriage and fear has been replaced with faith. Don't beat yourself up for normal feelings we have all experienced. Pray and focus on the MB principles and give yourself some time.

I'll keep you in my prayers...I don't know how I would react.

Catnip =^^=