Ok Friends…
I need some help in a new situation that has presented itself.

You all know that we have the majority of custody of Lil Bit… OW drops her off at our apartment on Wednesday nights and picks her up at a grocery store parking lot on Sundays. That is if she doesn’t call us to drop off a day early or cancel a pick-up… There has developed a definite pattern with her… there have been times when we have had Lil Bit for more than 2 wks straight because OW has had other commitments or excuses.
Its just fine with us… the more time Lil Bit is with us, the better for her.

Now… here is my dilemma…
OW’s 8 yr old son has been coming with her to drop off Lil Bit at our house. Occasionally he will come to the pick-ups, too.
He has become very chatty with me. Calls to me from the car or truck, comes right up to me…
Last night, OW brought Lil Bit early, 45 min… Everyone piles out of the car…
OW’s S calls out to me, “Hi Stacia!”
“Hey! How are you?” smiling…
“Fine.” With a little bit of shyness.. he says, “ Can I stay with you one of these times?”
OW stands there with a look of disbelief on her face, as I say, “Honey, we will have to work on that one. Now, won’t we?”
Pointing to OW, he says, “She told me you would pull out all your hair if I stayed.”
Chuckling, I said, “Do you know how many little boys I have taken care of?? I don’t think I will pull out my hair because of you.”
He smiled really big and looked satisfied that I would indeed allow him to stay in the future.
OW said, “With both of them they will drive you crazy!”
I said, “I’m nearly there now.”

I have been expecting this to happen. OW’s S is a child starved for affection and he has witnessed the affection and attention that Lil Bit gets from H and myself. It was only a matter of time before he approached the subject… and in little boy fashion he came right out with it.

H and I are considering allowing him to come one weekend and stay with us. Our only concerns are
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Once he stays one time… He will want to stay EVERYTIME</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How will the courts look upon that? Will they look badly on us for taking on OW’s other child as well?</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The added expense of an 8 yr old boy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We all know how much they can eat.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you think my friends? Good or Bad idea??

Stacia - I think it's wonderful that you're even thinking about it! The only thing I can think of that could backfire is what if she doesn't come pick HIM up, either, at the assigned time? You could end up having him for 2 weeks, also. On the other hand, though, it would probably be nice for him to see what a real FUNCTIONAL family is like!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Glad to see that you're feeling great and baby Mac is doing well!!

Stacia,

Legally speaking, I don't see any trouble or issues at all for you (although you might need a waiver for medical treatement, should he get hurt). And I think it's a great opportunity.

Stacia,
I'm with Joshmom. A sucker? No! Quite the contrary. Just the fact that you're considering it ... I applaud the size of your heart!

friendofk/chud

Stacia...you are something special indeed.

I agree with K that nothing more than a medical waiver should be necessary. And some grocery money...hahaha. However, just to be safe, call an attorney to verify.

I can just see this needy, love starved little kid watching longingly as his sister gets to be with you for several days. It is so incredibly kind and generous of you to even entertain the idea. I know you will probably do this and I think you are absolutely wonderful for it. That is a lucky little boy...for the first time in his miserable life he is going to be part of a family and be around you occasionally...even if it is only occasionally.

God bless, Stacia...

Cat

<small>[ July 17, 2003, 05:51 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Dear Stacia,

I agree with the others -- you have a huge heart to even consider this. But, considering your situation, please make sure that you are not over-extending yourself and that you will not be straining your own finances. As JoshMom said you may very well end up with both kids for 2 weeks or more. If the OW is free as a bird with no kids and no responsibilities, who knows what she will do?

Would you be ready for this kind of commitment? Think about it long and hard. I know how difficult it is to see a child who needs anything -- whether it is love and affection, or actual physical needs. It hurts to see any child unhappy or suffering.

But, you have to put yourself first at this juncture, my dear. Your son right now is the priority and you have been waiting so long for him. Once you take this child into your lives, it will be difficult to make it "occasional". Is there a third party that could pick up Lil Bit for a while to give you and your H time to think this through?

marie

Sheesh, Stacia...mariesluvsrich is absolutely right...you have the new baby to consider!!! I was not thinking.

Cat

<small>[ July 17, 2003, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Hmmm... yeah, and if this little boy is "starved for attention" I wonder how he will accept the new baby? Will you be able to trust him?

Perhaps you should wait to see how your schedule changes when the new baby comes, then decide.

Whatever you do, don't make a hasty, emotional decision because you feel sorry for the boy, ya know?

Like, what if you start allowing him to visit, but then after the baby comes, it starts to be too much and you have to stop him from coming over? It probably would be even more difficult to say no after having said yes?

"Let your emotions subside, then decide!" (Joyce Meyer)

s_l,,,,, all i can say is WOW. the thought of a woman in entertaining the idea of taking visits with her ow's s shows the unmeasurable depth of compassion in your heart. i too applaud you for that.

i don't see any legal issues other then the medical release already addressed by others.

i also don't feel that there will be any problem from this affection starved boy with your new baby. he would be showing signs of jealousy or outrage toward lil bit already if that were his nature. my guess would be that he will be the doating (sp?) big brother to your newborn. isn't it amazing what we can learn from kids? here's an 8 yr old boy in the middle of argueably the most sticky family arrangement possible and he wants to spend time with you. he doesn't see any of the drama this has brought into the adult lives. incredible.

i agree with waiting until after your delivery before taking on this responsibility. although an 8 yr old is very handy to have around at that time following delivery. they are able to entertain themselves and at the same time their couriosity (sp?) makes them like little maids wanting to help with everything from feeding to fetching diapers. he is probably a pretty good babysitter (with supervision) for lil bit also. can be a big plus to the mom of a newborn with an toddler to chase around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

the only draw back i can see is that he will get the attention and affection he is being starved for now and want to spend more and more time with you and your h. this could cause feelings in his mom of you stealing her s from her. we all know that would not be the case but would she know that? at 1st glance it would seem she would be ok with the idea. i say this because if she were bad talking about you at home her son would most likely view your home from a different perspective.

this is just my form of unlogical logic.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> pops

<small>[ July 18, 2003, 08:29 AM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

Thank you for your replies and your suggestions.

Joshmom,
Things are going well with Mac and me… I have crossed over into the countdown stage.. LOL Less then 10 wks to go until my due date! My Drs are very please that everything is going so well… And I have to admit I am ecstatic!

K,
I hadn’t thought of anything possibly happening to him when he would be with us. Thanks for the reminder.

friendofk.
Thanks for the applause… I think that anyone that knew of all that this little boy has been through would feel the same way I do about this. I have a hard time turning my back on a child that has been treated as he has. OW had really built up his hopes that my H would be his Daddy… only to have the rug ripped out from underneath him when he found out that H already had a wife. He went through a period of yelling and screaming at H and me… but now, over the past year or so, he seems to have developed a “distant affection” for me… I guess because I didn’t react to his hateful words and have only been nice to him, I grew on him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Catnip,
My dear friend! Thanks for the posts… I have missed you beyond words!
I truly believe that this little fellow is starved for attention… I also believe that intergrading him into our lives will be a huge influence on him.
After all he has been through, with beatings from OW’s various boyfriends and OW herself, its very hard not to see how much he needs love and attention. I don’t propose to become his “substitute mother” or “family”… but I know I am able to provide a positive role model.
OW doesn’t even have custody of him. She is supposed to have supervised visitation with him…but yet, her mother (one of his legal guardians) allows OW to take him all the time.

Marie,
Thank you for your concern. My first worry was how much I could handle while being pregnant. I did mention to OW’s son that I thought it best to wait until after the baby came. It’s only a few months away and school will be starting soon so that would probably limit the time he would stay.
H and I have talked a bit about allowing him to come on a Saturday so that would give him the chance to stay the night, but also keep it brief enough that it wouldn’t interfere with his schooling or other activities at home (if he has any, which honestly I doubt).
H has already dealt with this child all during the timeframe of the A… and he has a great affection for the boy. (H is a sucker for kids anyway) H says he is a good kid… but has had bad circumstances in his little life.

BTDT,
Thanks for the reminder to take it slow. We have been talking about it happening for the past 2 yrs… and have really been noticing the signs it was coming since Mother’s Day. So we were prepared for it.
But, we are taking more time to make more decisions on it, especially because we don’t want OW to take advantage of us.

pops,
I was just about to post this when I noticed your post.
It does seem odd, doesn’t it? Precisely why I wanted to know if I just seem like a sucker to OW… I don’t want her to become accustomed to me “babysitting” her son for her free of charge. I fear that is what she would do. I also fear that she would also see it as me trying to “steal” her whole family.
I remember her being so angry with me for stealing my own H from her. I remember when she went through all the “tricks in the book” of trying to get H to “pick her” over me. Using the boy, threatening to abort Lil Bit (even though it was too late), threatening to give her up for adoption, threatening to take her away to somewhere that H would never find her…
I just don’t want all the work we have accomplished over the past year to crumble.

Thanks for the help! I am open to hearing any and all suggestions… So you don’t have to stop here… LOL

I do think that AFTER the baby is born is the best time frame for this to happen… when I will know better how our household will handle more kids! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yeah, this is your very first baby and you just cannot imagine how your baby will change you, and your world view!

We're all so happy for you! You are amazing.

You DO have a big heart, you always have!

p.s.Your hunches about the OW are dead on so please listen to your heart. You don't want to be looking back thinking, "I knew this would happen..."

<small>[ July 18, 2003, 10:58 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Stacia...Ten weeks to go til lift-off! How exciting that the doctors are so positive about everything. I guess one day God just looked at you and said, "Hmmmm....this girl deserves one of her own".

Anyone for your capacity to love children as you do, be they yours, his...and even "hers", (incredible) is a gift to society; bringing more well adjusted and loved children into well adjusted, decent adults. This time with morals and a sense of what is right and what is wrong.

WEll, Mother Earth, I know your heart says "yes, let's" but the pragmatic and prudent side is telling you to wait a while before you decide. Also, I'm sure you probably think with a brood that big, what is one more.

But, you have to remember that this little boy must be troubled on some level from being the victim of abuse at the hands of his own mother and her low rent boyfriends. God, I can't imagine...beatings! You would have to watch him carefully to make sure that any fallout from that abuse does not spill over onto Lil Bit or the new baby.

I know you are wise and watchful and that through prayer you will receive your answers.

I just love you to death and wish I could be more like you. But then, there is a place for people like me, too. Militant crusaders to hopefully have a hand in a small way to correct injustice for others. We all have our roles...but, I still wish I were more like you.

I'm going to start calling you "Amazing-Stace".

Love

Catnip =^^=

Stacia,

I just read your post and wanted to add my two cents. I think it&#8217;s admirable of you to even consider it. If I were in your shoes, I would probably do it. Before saying &#8220;yes&#8221;, however, I would have a straight talk with OW and set boundaries. Be honest with him about your limitations. I think it&#8217;s a win/win situation. The only foreseeable problem (IMO), would be what happens after the school year starts. What if OW does fall into the same pattern that she has with Lil Bit? What if she starts leaving her son for extended periods of time? Knowing you and the big softie that you are, it&#8217;ll be difficult for you to say no to this little boy. That means that you would be taking on the responsibility of getting him to and from school, homework, etc. Are you ready for something like that? It&#8217;s a big chunk to bite off. If you&#8217;re ready for it, then I say GREAT!!

OB1

Stacia,
ob1 gave good advice.

I didn't have time to read everything, but you're a sweety.

I don't think I could turn down the little boy either, but make sure you don't get into legal trouble (like what if XOW abandons them with you? You should have some sort of legal authority to have the boy, medical care issue, pick him from something etc.) Set some guidelines and get something legal, at least for medical.

Related: (my cousin) R.'s Xwife had an OC just before they divorced. R shares physical custody of their son, and also has OC at his house about 1/4 of the time. His second wife is very support about it. So you're not alone in this idea...

Best wishes to you, your family, and Little-one-to-come!!
J

Thank you my friends.. More than you know.

OW picked up Lil Bit yesterday at the usual exchange point.
Lil Bit saw her and immediately mentioned her brother, OW’s S. She was fine until I said, “No, he’s not here today.” She proceeded to try to re-buckle herself into the car seat!
I finally got her out of the car, kicking and crying… She kept clinging to me, crying saying “Mommy Mommy.” She barely went to her Daddy… but she kept crying and saying “Mommy” and “Daddy car, go bye bye.”
OW didn’t say much just observed the whole scene and laughed.
Lil Bit would point to our car and beg to get back in and go “Home.” She felt so strongly about it that she placed a hand on each side of my face and looked directly at me and said, “Mommy, Daddy car… PWWWEEEEZZZEEEE.” OW really laughed hard at that.
To me it showed me that she was SERIOUS about not wanting to go with OW…
Not knowing what else to do, I offered to place Lil Bit in the car… She allowed me to do so... but as soon as the buckle clicked... she was horrified that I had tricked her. I began to cry… and I kissed her good-bye and hurriedly got into our car.

It tore my heart out… this wasn’t the first time she had refused to go with OW… but it was the most obvious display she had ever given.

It is things like this that make me wonder how smart it would be to bring OW’s son into our home as well.
What if he also refuses to go??? What would OW think then???
How would I handle having this little boy tell me about something that happened to him in the past… let alone in the here and now???

I also feel that OW will keep him away from us for a while… hoping his request will fall upon deaf ears… or he will forget what he asked…
If he doesn’t come to the exchange on Wednesday, I will be even more suspicious about how she feels about the whole thing.

Thank you, OB1.
Your pointing out how big of a softie I am really made me smile. I am a big ol’ softie… and I know it… And I just can’t see turning my back on this boy. He needs someone… I can see it… and if the Lord sees fit for me to be a part of reaching this child… then LORD use me as YOU see fit! This ol’ Soft Heart will do as her Father commands her.

Jenny,
Thanks for the example of your cousin and his 2nd wife. It is encouraging to know that there are others that also feel the way I do…
Like I said, I have been seeing this coming… and have partly prepared myself for it… but now that it has come… I am a little apprehensive… but still willing.

Stacia...

You know what alarms me the most? The reaction that kid has when she has to go home with her mother. I wonder what the hell goes on there that causes her to become so emotional. I'm sure you worry about that too.

It is such a shame women like that are allowed to have or be in charge of children.

Have you considered asking the courts or social services to investigate her? I'm not trying to start something, I am just really concerned about Lil Bit and her brother.

This kid obviously adores you and sees you as her mother. She probably thinks you are her real mother and is too young to understand why she has to leave you at all.

This must be so troubling for you.

God's blessings...

Catnip =^^=

Catnip,
Yes, I worry about it constantly.
Knowing OW's history makes my skin crawl. Should anything happen to Lil Bit, such as has happened to OW's S... I would certainly come unglued!
H says that he would do such and such.. but I think he would have to wait in line.. I get the first shot! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I know not all OWs are like the one we have... but this one definitely takes the CAKE!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> She has already been proven unfit and had custody of her son stripped from her... yet the courts didn't seem too worried about Lil Bit...

We have tried to contact our attorney... but she hasn't returned a call or a fax since last September... I keep telling H that its time to get a NEW & BETTER attorney. But because of financial strains, we are stuck with this one... and stuck in limbo...

So, until such a time as we can actually DO something about this whole mess... I leave Lil Bit in the hands of the Lord... I have no one else to turn to for her protection during the time she is with OW.

Attorney not returning your call? Leave a sweet message that unless your retainer has been used up, you're STILL a paying client. She can return your call and give you your money's worth OR she can refund your money. And if that's not incentive enough, add that you'll file a complaint with the state bar association.

Stacia,
I feel so badly for Lil'bit and you--I'd have cried too. May the future not be so difficult for you all.