It has been a year since d-day July 3rd actually. Things has changed alot in our lives. H is making me feel safe in our M, but the lingering thoughts of this OC confuse me some. I guess what really bothers me is I am a type of person who love children. Our son and his w are trying to have there first child too. So one day we will be grandma and grandpa which excites both of us.

OW doesn't want me in contact with her child, don't know why she knew he was M? She should have known what she was getting herself into. When H left his job she found our unlisted phone number started calling the house again. I put a stop to it, I feel she is harassing me by hanging up me. I left her a message during all of this if she had legal issue we will see her in court. Nothing has happened like I said she doesn't want me involved she only wants my H. H seems to think I did right thing by leaving this message. Sometimes I feel he wants contact, but with me. He says if he going to work on our M this has to happen together. This has really made me feel safe knowing he wants me involved with his problem.

Why do OW do this? Why do they always seem to think there XMM will run to there beckening call. H says he wants nothing to do with her anymore. He says he only feels for the child. This OC has a wonderful brother, I know one day this child will find us, and want to know everything. I just feel sorry for this OC in someways, because our children had a father this one don't right know. H really is a good father helped raise our children wonderfully. Did things with the boys etc. Why does the OW seem to think I am such a bad person? After all I did help raise our children also?

This A was just a mistake from our years of terrible thing happening in our lives. We know where the A stemmed from, and why it happened. One of our son's died, and we were grieving so much for him we forgot about each other. Does that make me a terrible person? It just confuses me with all of these feelings I have. How do you get past all these feelings? Do you just forget about it until she sends us a letter to go court? Or do we pursue this on our own? H says wait and see what happens then we will go from there.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

The courts will contact you soon enough and then all kinds of issues will arise. My suggestion is to take this time before the onslaught of attorneys, child support, discussions about contact versus no contact, whether or not to tell family, etc.etc.etc., to focus completely on each other, attend a Retrouvaille weekend together and learn and practice the MB principles and Rules of Radical Honesty and Protection and the all important Policy of Joint Agreement. Together.

Ignore the OW (together) as best you can and concentrate on your marital recovery. Wait for the court to contact you regarding DNA testing. Don't volunteer anything and do nothing until it comes to you. The most important thing, the only thing that matters is your marital recovery.

I am so very sorry about the loss of your son, CL. I can see how the two of you could have gotten lost in your grief and turned to others for solace. Worst possible thing to do, of course, but when something that horrendous happens to people, instead of turning to each other and helping each other heal, they become withdrawn and look for someone else who doesn't share that grief because your grief on top of his is too much for him to bear, I suppose. What he didn't know was that pain shared (with you) is cut in half...these are just some of the things we learn here at MB to help people reconnect with their spouses after these horribly traumatic wake up calls.

What is also so awful is the new predatory woman who has no conscience and no respect for traditional marriage or values, blowing it all off like the marriage and betrayed spouse mean nothing, saying all it is is a piece of paper or some other such nonsense. They choose to ignore that people wrap themselves up in their spouses and families and invest years into building a home...then the OP interloper, comes waltzing in uninvited, not caring how their actions may impact the berieved, betrayed spouse. This is your ONE and ONLY life...and they just take what they can for the time and then later, make demands and cry fowl. It is an ugly soul that is capable of changing an entire families life on a whim or an itch.

The OW in my life screamed, "She'll get over it!" Uh, no, I didn't and I never would have. It was MY life. If she stole my car or my ring, she'd be arrested and go to jail. But, here she steals my LIFE, my most precious possession, and then sentences me to two decades of enormous support payments that create the most horrendous hardship imaginable. And, she just doesn't care.

Most OW are like this, so be ready for anything.

All the heartbreak you have endured can be mended here by working the MB principles and making them a way of life and the focus of your recovery. Wounds will heal and tears will dry in time as you work the program.

God bless

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ July 19, 2003, 03:44 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Crazylife:
<strong>H seems to think I did right thing by leaving this message. Sometimes I feel he wants contact, but with me. He says if he going to work on our M this has to happen together. This has really made me feel safe knowing he wants me involved with his problem.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is REALLY great! It's just what you need to feel with your xWS--safe and secured in his love! <thumbs up>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do OW do this? Why do they always seem to think there XMM will run to there beckening call. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I can't answer for anyone, but from reading your post, it appears that your H's xOW felt she had some kind of true bond with your H! (NOT!) And now that there is a child involved, perhaps she feels she can manipulate him somehow? But really, it seems like she is borderline stalking you guys! Finding your unlisted number and hanging up on you?! Of course, it's her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...I know one day this child will find us, and want to know everything.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe, maybe not?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Why does the OW seem to think I am such a bad person?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She knows you're not a bad person. Maybe she wants to be you, you know, DECENT and MARRIED... She's probably more afraid of you or in awe of you than anything. Evidently she's obsessed with you, calling your house just to hear your voice. She needs to get a life. Fortunately we can pray for that for her! If she did get a life, she could leave you guys alone and go on with it! She can have a happy, normal life by letting go of the past and creating a future for herself and her OC...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H says wait and see what happens then we will go from there.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, listen to your wise hubby. Good luck!

p.s.Regarding the feelings, don't trust your feelings, they are fickle and they come and go and not all feelings are from God. Walk by faith not by feelings!

You can either wait for her to file the papers, or you tow can take control and file papers requesting the dna and visitations.

Sounds like she is still hooked on your husband and will try to take control. But it doesn't matter. If the child is your H, he has every right to see the child and you have a right to be involved also. She can't control that unless you have made threats against the child.

Thanks so much for your insights all were great. Yes I feel H is right let it be and just wait to see if OW files. We have to be ready emotionally for all of this. It just depresses me to know someone can think of me of being the nasty person from Mars. If she really knew me she would change her mind about me. Probally like me better than H. I feel also she is still obsessed with my H, and wants him very badly. I have stopped the hangup the calls this week. Put some sercurity on our phones, etc. So hopefully we can have some peace with that. I haven't spoken to OW at all, don't want to really. I know in time probally will have to but I want to be ready emotionally for this. I feel sorry for the OC, not having a father figure. I can't let that bother me though, because I am still healing. I learned from our son's death take one-day at a time. I guess those feelings are coming from myself being a mother about the OC. So I guess take one-day at a time,or the song I heard today "LET IT BE".

Thanks so much