just want to get some feedback. Yeterday was OC BD, 2yrs old, we had oc last weekend so we had a small party,so H wouldn't feel he wasn't celebrating it with oc. but ow ask him to come to the one she was having. At first h said he'll think about it.okay fine. then ow change days with h, suppose to get oc day before bd, but we got oc on bd.so we took oc out to dinner with family to celebrate. well the next was the ow party, H got up went to hardware store, came back with a gift and card for oc. i asked what's tis for, to give oc at her party. that was a real slap in the face, to me. i reminded him, that the purpose of having a party last weekend was so he wouldn't feel he needed to go to hers. but he said he was going, he wants more and more time to spend with oc. fine with me, i would like to have more time with oc also.Of course,i said i was going with him, he said fine but you know you'll have to stay in the car, ow doesn't like me being around.i started to get ready and decided not to go,an oppertunity to let h know i'm starting to trust him.( and it was at a public park, no close confinements where they could find time alone,OW and H)i don't trust ow,she still wants h really bad, h said he'll never be with her. so anyway, i let him go by himself, i was not happy about it,i was a nervous wreck, i called him on his cell about every hour. he stay there for about three hours,played with oc all the time, at least that is what he said. i'm still very hurt and angry about this, should i just let it go, he came right home afterwards.
i just needed to vwnt on someone,and maybe get other opinions on this. thanks for listening. best wishes to every one.

I'm so sorry.

Your husband should have been completely satsified with your generosity of having a birthday party for the OC yourselves, let alone contact at all. He never should have attended the OW's party for the OC as it sends her a message that he is disloyal to you and your wishes and that she has a chance with him. It also shows extreme disrespect towards you and your feelings after what he has already put you through.

The thing that really gets me is that just because the OW doesn't want you at her party, he is allowing her to call all the shots. Your husband complied with HER wishes rather than yours, considered HER feelings rather than yours, and then left you at home while he went to OC's party for three hours alone.

This is no way to rebuild a marriage. This is a way of building resentment and further mistrust.

What he "should" have done is tell the OW that you and he celebrated OC's birthday already and that he would not be attending her party. The kid is only two and won't remember this anyway. This could be contrued as for their benefit and not the OC's.

Also, he should not be in contact with OW for any reason and all correspondence, arrangements for pick up and drop off and all other issues relating to OC should be either made through you or a third party. If your husband truly wants to rebuild your marriage, he must completely sever all contact with OW.

The best place to start is to study and learn the MB Principles and the Rules of Radical Honesty and Rules of Protection and above all, incorporate the all important Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) where you both pledge to never do anything without each other's complete and enthusiastic agreement. If you continue to live separate lives in the sense that WH goes off to gatherings without you, or making decisions that hurt, humiliate or dismiss you, the marriage will not recover.

Your husband will have to make a decision whether or not he wants to repair his marriage to you, or be involved with OW and OC and watch his marriage disintegrate further.

You and your husband can have contact without him being blatantly disloyal to you. You have to present yourselves as a united front in complete agreement.

It is distressing to think about the hell you must have gone through for those three torturous hours while he was away. It was so incredibly cruel of him to do this to you...and it must have given OW such satisfaction...and hope...at your expense. Plus it makes him look like such a jerk.

Catnip =^^=

It seems like your H is willing to (over)indulge the OC with reassurance at your expense!!?

So you mean to tell me your H expected you to wait in the car for 3 hours? Hmmm... I agree with catnip but I also have a feeling that he would have cut the visit way short if you were waiting in the car?

Maybe you should have gone and waited in the car, at least you would have been there with him supporting him and showing xOW she is not fully in control of your M or your man OR YOU!

No, what your H is doing to secure the OC in his love is a bit unbalanced right now--sooner or later, he'll realize what's what. In the meantime, you probably just need to give him room to see things for what they are. I think his emotions are taking over right now. Obviously he loves the OC and that's a plus for the OC... But yeah, he's giving xOW way too much power and xOW probably knows it because guess what? He was there without you...

All you can do is pray that by giving him time to secure the OC in his love, he can be there for and with you in the long haul.

I don't know if I could have let him go alone. No way, no how, never, ever! Next time go with your H. Even if it means waiting in the car. So what. Your presence will be more of a factor than appearances. It will give xOW ability to see that you and your H are in agreement and she is not calling the shots! You will be showing your H support, not so much obeying her, ya know? Just take a good book and some binoculars! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Just kidding about the binoculars...

I think I would have gone, waited in the car and watched every single thing. Then later, it would have been an opportunity to discuss how watching him play with the OC showed how loving and tender your H is and how caring he is and those are qualities you love about him so much... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ July 20, 2003, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

D,
I can understand your feelings about the bday thing. Although I am/was the OW we currently have a similiar situation w/ FMM's daughter. She will turn 2 on my bday in August. As we currently have her till the day after her bday for an extended summer visit, we are going to have her a party. I have invited the baby's mother and am quite surprised that she has agreed to come. She is having a separate party at her house the next day and she invited both FMM and me to come. I am going to bow out as I do not feel it is my place to intrude on her family's turf at "their" bday party.

These things are akward, but they do get somewhat better w/ time. XW has been more reasonable lately, especially since our last court date 2 weeks ago. We have had the baby almost a week now and his XW has a scheduled time to call at 10a.m. and 7p.m. Today she called and we got along fine. It is amazing because if someone would have told me 17 months ago when he first moved in that she would be civil to me I would never have believed it.

However, your circumstances are different as you are the W and the OW created this OC w/ your H. Thus, if you two are able to spend time w/ the child etc. I think it is more than reasonable for OW to allow you to come to the party as well - and since you 2 already celebrated the baby's bday I see no harm in him not attending if it makes you uncomfrtable.
Good luck to all of you. tew

My first thought was that when the OW and your H decided to have an A they included you also! You and your H are a package and OW needs to know this! If she invites your H to anything involving then YOU are invited too! You are a team and you are a part of the childs life too if she likes it or NOT!
This is my opinion and how I handle my H and OC. H is right there with me on my feelings. My children are about to meet OC this weekend and I am nervous now about b-day parties, holidays etc... that will be coming up.
Good luck and remember, you are in the picture too and H and OW need to realize this!

Okay, had another minute to think about this!

She doesn't want you in her house??? Then she should have thought about that BEFORE she had an A with your H! You and H need to stand as ONE! Next time your H needs to tell her that if he is invited then so are YOU, afterall you are the child's step-mom whether she likes it or not!

Can you tell I am a bit sensitive to this subject??

Ok ...
My blood is boiling. How in the world does your OW have the balls to demand that you not be present.

What's next ... probably exactly what Marieluvsrich's OW does:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And, what does she ask my H? If she has the surgery, she will need help at home for a while until she gets on her feet. And, she could not bear to be parted from her daughter for a long period of time. So, could he come stay with her and the child for 2 weeks after the surgery if she has it?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's amazing that they will treaspass all over your marriage, but dare you to step one foot into their world.

My husband sat on the fence of appeasing OW for a while. But I had to sit him down over and over and tell him how bad it hurt. How devasated I was that he allowed her to continue to have power over me. That's exactly how I felt.

Finally, after a particular incident he realized that she was playing his loyalties. I'm gonna tell it the best I can remember it.

OW calls H to tell him she has no food in the house and the OC has no milk. H received call on his cell while at chior rehearsal. He couldn't leave, but tells her that he'll drop some food off in an hour. Doesn't tell her it was me coming. I get there with bags of food, some from our own pantry, she's in the shower. I put the food in the kitchen and there's chicken defrosting on the counter and food in the fridge. It had all been a ploy to get him over there yet again.

Boy was she pissed when she spoke to H the next time. Grilling him about why he sent me. He said, what's more important, food for the OC or who delivered it. She shut up quick.

It finally took that to get him to see that she was playing him in the worst way.

And I'm not trying to burst your bubble. I've been known for being blunt. But it's something you probaby have already thought about.

You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i called him on his cell about every hour. he stay there for about three hours,played with oc all the time, at least that is what he said. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The probability is that the OC played with friends like most children do at their birthday parties, while the parents of the birthday child and other children attending hang out talking.

There's all kinds of approaches to dealing with your H on this issue. Your job will be to figure out which approach your H will best respond. Just asking mine didn't work, I needed to say it loud and then prove what I was saying true.

Sorry if I upset you. This post and Marie's brought back some ugly feelings.
Z.

Thank you everyone for replying. Everything said in your posts, is exactly what i,ve been trying to get through H's head. He just has that mental block, thinking I'm trying to keep him from OC and also that OW might not let him see OC as much because of the hatred she has for me.I keep telling him she can't do that, we have a courtorder for visitations, and no matter what there is nothing she can do to provent him from seeing OC.
While i was wating for H to come home from the party, i did write a note to him,trying to explain my feelings of hurt.Most of the time,when i can't get through to him, writing a letter/note, sometimes gets his attention,this time,i think it did just a little, as for your replys, i'm seriously thinking of printing them and letting/making him read them. Maybe someone else's opinion might help him get a better understanding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> i really feel this might be my last chance to get through to him,cause i really don't know how much more i can put up with this. I love him very dearly,with all my heart and soul, but there are only so many medication that i can take, to help me from going off the deep end and ending up in a very non-returnable depression.Thank goodness for my doctor, he she very understanding and helpful, he has spoken to the both of us,but it seems i'm the only one who is hearing what he is saying,plus i also have all of you to listen and give me advise. so please advise me again.
thank you, best wishes to everyone!!

I'll be offline for a few days with a move and computers down but I wanted to respond quickly...

Could someone out there explain/describe FOG during the first year after discovery for her? I gotta run.

Cat