Last summer I engaged in an affair with a close friend of my husbands. At the time my husband and I had been together 4 years and married 2 years. We did not have a good marriage to say the least. We had also attempted to have children for 4 years, with the end result being failure. That took a major toll on me, children were so important to me and to my husband. But, even though this were the case and he saw what it was doing to me he never got tested to see what the problem was, he always told me that "HE" would just rather not know. I am not here to say that I was the perfect wife, but I suffered tremendously in our marriage. I was always the provider, the one carrying the health insurance, etc. I worked at a good paying job to make ends meat while my husband sat by and worked as a pizza delivery driver, never helped with the house work, slept all day, played video games, and always put himself and his friends before ever thinking of me. There was verbal abuse, physical abuse, my husband propositioning me to have sex with one of his friends so that he could watch, fights and arguments that would send me into such a downward spiral that I would wake up the next morning on the bathroom floor from sitting there and crying so hard and putting myself to sleep. We had the same group of friends over every night, one of which in particular I had graduated with. The funny thing about this guy is that we hated each other in high school. When I initially found out one day that my husband had been hanging out with him I was infuriated and I immediately told him to stay away from him. But, as I said my husband always put himself and his friends first and continued on with their friendship. It ended up that he was in my home every night. At first I hated it. Then, a few weeks passed and I realized that I was had begun looking forward to coming home, not to my husband but to this other guy. It began as flirting and daring one another to do something. I forgot to mention that most all of my husbands friends at some point had made a pass at me, my husband knew of this, he even saw almost every incident, but he just laughed it off and never said anything. He never fought for me the way that any woman wants her husband to fight for her. This particular person that I had the affair with flirted with me constantly in front of my husband. Then one day I scheduled a repair to be done on my truck which left my husband and I with only one vehicle. Again, my husband was a delivery driver who worked late nights and of course that vehicle was in his hands. He casually asked the other guy if he would pick me up from work and take me home the 2 nights that our other vehicle was being worked on. Of course, he agreed. The first night he brought me home to an empty house, we sat and watched a movie, a couple of hours later, my husband came home. That particular night nothing happened but the flirting was becoming more intense and the attraction was more evident. It came to the point where "I" wanted something to happen. The second night, he dropped me off at his my front door, I said Thank You and he left. As I saw his truck approach the end of my driveway, I became I guess you could say overwhelmed. I went with what I was feeling picked up my phone, called his cell phone and I simply said "Why are you leaving are you afraid to be alone with me". He replyed "Yes" and laughed then asked me if I wanted him to come back, I also replyed "Yes". I turned a movie on, he sat at one end of the couch, I layed at the other end with my feet drawn in towards me as to create somewhat of a gap between us. I was excited but scared at the same time because I knew that something was about to happen. He then pulled my feet on to his lap, he began giving me a foot massage, a few seconds later the phone wrang, it was my husband. He asked what I was doing, I told him that I was watching a movie with the very friend he had asked to bring me home. He said ok, I love you and that he would see me when he got home. As I sat up on the couch and was talking to my husband, he made his first move and from there it escalated into sex. This affair went on for about a month. He was with me every second and my husband always knew when we were together, but he never tried to intercept. He went with the thought that we were only friends. We both agreed that this was only an affair that no relationship was going to result in it. In having this conversation with him I also told him that I was finally ready to leave my husband. He sternly told me that he did not want me to leave my husband because of him. He treated me so good, every time we made love, he swept me off my feet, he told me everyday how beautiful I was. He opened car doors, made me laugh, he brought out the good in me. He brought out my true personality and funloving outlook that had been hiding behind my husband for so many years. I loved every moment of every day with him. My husband and I woke one morning, he reached over to touch me and I cringed, I was a married woman but I felt more of a obligation and commitment to the other guy than him. I began to cry, walked out the room to get a tissue, he walked to the kitchen for a drink, when he re-entered our bedroom I told him that I wanted a divorce because I didn't love him anymore, I did not tell him about the affair. He ended up moving in with his sister, I began to move out of our place with the help of this other guy, who was by my side every second. Our affair continued for another 2 months. Towards the end of the two months I realized that I wanted my husband back, not just because in some ways I loved him but because I wanted the comfort of a long relationship again but more importantly not having to start over with some one else. So my husband and I were back together again but this other guy was still in my life as well. In August I slept with the both of them in one night, neither one had a clue. I then found out on Sept. 1 that I was pregnant. I now have beautiful 2 month old son, which a DNA test has confirmed is the other guys child. My husband knows this. But, now my husband has finally made a career move. In around my 6th month of pregnancy he left for Airforce basic training, he graduates and comes home Aug 22. We are still together but the father is in the same state with me for now and is an active part in his son's life. He and my family have begged me to stay in my home state and to try and reconcile things with his father because I have to admit there are still feelings there. I swore to myself that this would not happen again and that at all costs I would stand by my husband and work through this. Half of me feels that my husband deserves the chance the be my son's father, the other half of me says "Well you and the father still have feelings for one another, and maybe it would be in my child's best interests for me to stay in my homestate and try to work things out with his father. My husband has received orders that will put us in another state quite a ways from home that will also result in my son being pulled away from not only his real father but his entire family. I just don't know what to do.

That's a lot of information, but that helps us see the big picture. It sounds as if you and your husband are very young.

In cases like this where there are no children of the marriage and the marriage is young, it is sometimes recommended that you divorce and marry the OM and raise your child together. This gives your current husband the opportunity to find another life since he has only a couple years invested in the marriage. And it gives your child the opportunity to have a two parent family with his biological parents.

Whoever you decide to marry or stay married to, you have come to the right place to learn the basic concepts that can help affair-proof your marriage and prevent this from ever happening again. The MB Principles and the Rules (radical honesty and protection) and the Policies (Policy of Joint Agreement) along with the overall commitment to building a marriage dedicated to meeting each others' emotional needs, will give you a solid foundation on which to build. This will give your child a sound, secure environment in which to live and provide you with a life of harmony.

I hope OM is more mature than your H and won't suggest sex with his friends or fill his nights up with entertaining secondary friends that won't be there for him in the years to come. It's your spouse (whoever it will be) who will be there when friends move on, when kids grow up and leave home and when life changes.

It is dangerous, however, to marry someone with whom you've had an affair as these marriages are founded on deception, causing people to be suspicious of each other, wondering if you would do this to them too.

I don't know what kind of guy this is or if he is a worthy candidate to consider for a long term relationship or if he loves you or if he even wants to marry you. You could end up alone without either of them, but then you would have the opportunity to change your life and look for a better caliber of man and not settle for people who refuse to make you their #1 priority. That being said, you need to find ways to keep yourself from being so vulnerable and needy and from making wrong decisions.

Pray for guidance and study this site for answers. Think about what is best for your child and for you, considering all options. Don't stay with someone just because it is "easier" or because you don't like the idea of starting over with someone new. Consider what is best for your husband, too. He is young and immature and needs to grow up. He hs an opportunity to find a life of fulfilment for himself without the handicap of raising another man's child; especially since you still are emotionally connected to OM. That's not fair to your current husband regardless of what he has been like in the past.

Good luck

Catnip =^^=

Green,

Catnip beat me to it. In the Q&A articles Dr. Harley outlines his advice to someone in your situation here. Again, because you don't have any children together; you have a short and questionable marriage; and because the OM is available and involved in the child's life---I'd suggest that you might want to go that way too. However, as catnip brings up---this guy may not be very good marriage material either.