I guess I'm out of the norm. But my marriage if far from it. I spent 7yrs trying to do anything to make my H want me and want the family more. After reading some of the post I could not even think about aborting or giving a child up to plese my H. Even now, my children are top priority over my H. He cares for no one but himself. And I'm no about to kiss his but to try and make my marriage work.

I was the betrayed spouse since day 1 with him. I was stupid for marrying him. I was insucure and thought he was the best man around. He was a great guy for staying with me and marrying me cause I got pregnant. I also admitt I was stupid for having an affair. 7yr into our marriage. Got sick of being the doormat. Even stupider for having 2 children with DM. H had a chance to leave. I filed for divorce while pregnant with the first OC. He wanted me and the baby. He could have left when I was pregnant with the second OC. He did tell me to get rid of it.

H has a OC from one of his many girlfriends. I find it sickening that he wants nothing to do with his son. Its not the childs fault that the parent screwed up, so why make him suffer. I took it up myself to have a relationship with this boy and have it so my other children knows their brother.

What I'm figureing out here is that if you put your children first before your spouse, your wrong?

Crazymum,

This is a marriage building site, and from your history, that I've read here and elsewhere, your M is just about irrepairable. You even state:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Even now, my children are top priority over my H. He cares for no one but himself. And I'm no about to kiss his but to try and make my marriage work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are not saying that everything comes after your H, but your M. You should never be a doormat in a M. In your case, it seems as if your M is for convenience sake. You don't want to work at it and neither does he. Even your "DM" still lives w/his xW. Seems to be what's convenient for you, and easiest. And before you start in on me, I say easiest, because it's easier for you to live the way you do than to try to repair your broken M.

I don't know about you, but my H and I made vows to eachother infront of God, our church, family and friends. We've both broken those vows, and have recognized our mistakes and are repairing those broken vows to eachother . We have absolutely NO contact w/xOW's or xOM's! We are working on our relationship, and our decissions were made TOGETHER!!!! It was my decission to try to call the abortion clinic on the day we found out I was P. It was my H's decission to call my parents after that fateful call! From that point on, we discussed many different options, and came up with where we are today!

I recommend that if you want to make your M work, read the principles on this site! Buy or borrow(from the library) some of the books recommended on this site, and read them with your H. But, if you don't want to repair your M, please don't make these kinds of statements:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What I'm figureing out here is that if you put your children first before your spouse, your wrong? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am trying to offer some help with your confusion and you can take it or leave it, but this is a site to build M's, and as I'm sure you have lurked here a while, you know that we want to help if you are here to build/rebuild/ a M or offer advice as to how to do that. If you can't do any of the above, please don't post with judgements like:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Its not the childs fault that the parent screwed up, so why make him suffer. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because that can be said about the children of the M in which the H and W decided via POJA to pay CS but have NC. I know the agrument, so it doesn't need to be rehashed here about BC, and who's responsibility it is. The fact is that the children are the most innocent in these situations, and in many cases, the H and the W are deciding what's best for their M. What ever the decission, someone WILL end up being hurt. That's just what A's do to people's lives.

Tigger

Every situation is different. We will all be the ones to tell you that we are accountable to God and must do what gives us peace with ourselves and peace with God. You are the mother. You know what is best for your children. You are married to the man. You know what is best for you! You have to do what you know is best in your unique situation.

From reading your post, it sounds like your H was uninterested in committing 100% to you from day one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> At least we have to start with 100% commitments from each other in the marriage. If that's not there, then how can you even apply the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) in big major decisions? You can't, because POJA won't even apply to the little bitty ones!!??

What is one to do when its a one sided thing?? What H says and does are two different things.

Am I supposed to sit back and be walked all over??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Crazymum:
<strong>What is one to do when its a one sided thing?? What H says and does are two different things.

Am I supposed to sit back and be walked all over??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For your last question, see below.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You should never be a doormat in a M. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe I sorta answered this in my post, but can elaborate a little for you too. As I said before, read the principles here. One major one to look at is Plan A/B. It explains how to save your love that you do/may still have for your H, how to protect it. Many times, it begins as one sided, but you should NEVER be a doormat! There's a difference between being a doormat, and being the only one working on your M, thus far.

Again, read up on the principles. Look at them with an open mind! Don't be critical. If you read some of the books, one in particular is "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" it explains how and why these principles can and do work! It's not just something Dr. Harley dreamed about one night, it was through years of counseling couples in much worse shape than you and your H are in right now!

If you both decide that you want your M to work, and you incorporate these principles into your daily lives, you can have a wonderful, loving relationship w/your H! One that you may have never imagined having before! Look into it, and give it a chance! It may be one sided at first, but as your H sees how you've "changed" he will begin to take notice and want to be involved. If he doesn't, look heavily into Plan B.

Just my suggestions, hope they helped.

Tigger

****edited to correct typos, should have read it first <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ****

<small>[ July 21, 2003, 09:01 PM: Message edited by: tigger4jdt ]</small>