Her mom called on Saturday and was having terrible pains and needed to go to the emergency room. She called us to take care of the OC because she could not find anyone else.

I got a small glimpse into the OW's world and it was not pretty. Her father is a Baptist minister who has basically forbidden other family members from dealing with her and the OC. I am a devout person, but I really cannot accept that God would approve of treating people who make mistakes in such a manner.

The OW has a very good girlfriend who didn't feel she could take on the responsibility ?! (Guess she was not as good a friend as OW thought) So, having very little choice, she called us.

OW is doing better but she is undergoing a battery of tests and will be in the hospital a few days.

OC is such a darling little girl. I think she has forgotten us because she has not seen us in a while but she warmed up to us quickly. We had to run out and buy food, diapers, the whole bit. It has been so nice having her here. But, in the back of my mind, I know that she will be leaving soon.

I left her with my sister today and when we came back to get her after work, she was having a great time with my sister's kids who are a bit older. My sister even saw that I was a bit excited and reminded me that she will be going home soon. She doesn't want me to get upset when things go back the way they were.

My H and I talked about that today. I feel so sorry for him too because you can see that he loves the OC. Sometimes watching him with her hurts because I want so much for us to have a child together. But, I do understand that his love is about the child, not the OW. That makes it easier.

It would be great if she could be a part-time part of our family. I am trying to talk H into giving visitation another try. Judging from the way he his rocking her to sleep right now, he might be willing to try.

Wish me luck everyone. I would not have chosen an OC as the best way to pay attention to my marriage, but this little girl has done much more than opened my eyes -- she has grabbed hold of my heart. I only hope my heart does not get broken again. I hope her mom will see that she needs some back-up and we will take good care of her child.

love to all,
marie

P.S. - Stacia - sorry I could not write this weekend!

<small>[ July 26, 2003, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: marieluvsrich ]</small>

Marie,

All I can say is that you are doing a wonderful job! Continue to support your H, and when/if you do bring up the visitation possibility, do so in love. If he shies away from the conversation, let him do so. Just don't push the issue with him. It's been used on many a thread lately, but POJA left and right!!!!

Enjoy this time you have with her, and keep us updated on xOW's health and this possible new situation for you!

Tigger

I'm so glad that OW was able to leave her with you. I wish that the OW in our case would leave H son with us sometime.

Marie...sounds like you might be getting into the same situation as Stacia. How do you feel about that?

You know, if OW is sick or if something happens to her, who would take the child? Have you and your hsuband talked about that possibility? Could you do it? It sounds as if you could. It never ceases to amaze me that there are such kind and generous women on this site who are so concerned about the child that they are willing to put aside their own issues for the sake of harmony.

I wonder all the time about Bipolar's OC. I know she has a huge maternal family that is very close. She will probably never know Bipolar as we are several states away and cannot afford to travel...primarily because of the OW and her accomplices, the court. It's just as well, though.

Cat

Marie,
I fully understand!! Don't worry about it! We will get a chance chat/email soon!

Your post reminds me of the first few times that we had Lil Bit... She was only 5 wks old the first time we kept her overnight.
And it also reminded me of how I felt when I saw OW the first few times... How sad it would be to have her life... No wonder she wanted mine!!!

H was the one that really pushed for visitation.. but I was the one that pushed for it to be SETTLED IN COURT!
I wanted so much for there to be a structure to the way this was handled... and we have since done VERY well with the situation.

I totally agree with Tigger! POJA!! All the way!!
The more that the 2 of you discuss and decide TOGETHER the better for both of you... and the OC too.

I also agree with Catnip. Are you ready to take on a much bigger role in OC's life??? Sounds like you are...
I will tell you, it does take a lot out of you... believe me!
Just check out the latest on my thread..

Hugs to you Marie! Keep doing what you are doing!
Working on your M and POJA!!!
Only good can come of it!!!

What an amazing story!

The OC is so fortunate to have you guys in her life.

I'm sure everything will work out for you.

My heart goes out to xOW.

Wow...

It's amazing because look at the situation--xOW can't even turn to her family--she has to turn to YOU, the BS and WS for help!!!

What a very humbling situation. What a blessing you guys must be to her.

All I can say is WOW... & I hope and pray that xOW IS grateful and she will not allow herself to break your heart again mlr...

God bless you, ((((((Marie)))))). He must surely have special things in store for you!

What a wonderful world this would be if there were more people like you and my husband in it.

Marie,

Guard your heart, take care of yourself. I too know the pain of infertility. We had no children when I learned of affair and it was easy for me to form a relationship with Precious, our OC. I don't think I love her but I care for her a lot. I want the best for her; I have enjoyed the time spent with her. She is an adorable little girl.

Now circumstances have changed. We don't have money anymore for the expensive trips cross country to see her. We have adopted two boys who don't yet know about Precious. We aren't broke because of our adoption but because Mr. J has started his own business, I guess in part so he can spend more time with our boys.

It is painful for Precious and for us that our only contact is by phone. She is only 3.5 yrs old but she remembers us, bugs her mother to call us, asks Mr. J to speak to me. Precious and I sing songs on the phone and that is why she likes talking to me so much. OW has said that she feels more comfortable with me taking care of her than with Mr. J. She knows I am kind, loving and attentive. He is kind and loving but not very attentive--especially if sports are on. Actually not fair--when we go for visits he does almost all the kid care and I get the fun stuff.

I think we are going two weeks from now if we can arrange free frequent flier trips. Our boys will stay with Mr. J's parents. 16 months after the boys came home, they are finally ready for a couple of nights away from us. Our OS asked if we could arrange for him to go spend two nights with his grandparents. I feel comfortable with this arrangement.

MJ

Thank you to everyone who posted with messages of encouragement, support, and warnings. This incident has raised many questions that my H and I never considered.

Tigger and Stacia brought up the POJA as far as visitation in future, Catnip gave me real food for thought with the question - what would happen if we had to have custody of her, am I ready for that? Crazymum, BTDT, and Autumnday thanks for your support (Crazymum I am sorry that you have been denied when you are willing to welcome the OC into your home) And MaryJanes urged me to guard my heart.

Well, I have had to consider each and every one of those issues in the last few days.

I am afraid that I did not do a very good job of guarding my heart. The OC went home this evening and it was horrible for H and me. We were cool in front of her and played up that we were going to see mommy! But, suddenly the house seems so empty without her and we kept mentioning to each other all the funny things she did while she was with us -- and the not so funny ones. Like MJ said, I can't say that I love her, but I do care very much about this child and what happens to her.

The OW talked to my H on the phone about her medical condition. She would not give him all of the facts. All she would tell him is that she has a problem with her reproductive organs and the doctors are suggesting that she have a hysterectomy. She said she did not give an answer and told the doctor she needed time to think about what she was going to do.

I felt awful. I have not been angry with the OW for the affair. I feel that my H was the one who broke his vow to me -- she never promised me anything. I HAVE been angry with her because of the immature way that she has handled the situation, particularly after the baby was born.

But, I am a woman. And, a woman with infertility problems. My heart went out immediately to this young woman whose only child may be from an affair with a MM.

So, here I am having these conflicted feelings of sadness and empathy for the OW. And, what does she ask my H? If she has the surgery, she will need help at home for a while until she gets on her feet. And, she could not bear to be parted from her daughter for a long period of time. So, could he come stay with her and the child for 2 weeks after the surgery if she has it?

Then she started crying and saying how afraid she was and she is so alone.

I must admit that today, I forgave my H for every thing he ever did to hurt me in our relationship. Because the man was calm as anything and politely said to her, "I will check with marie and if she is willing we might be able to come and stay at your place to help you out with the OC!"

Well, that statement was unexpected for both of us. I just stared in admiration and the OW said "I did not invite her." To which my H replied, "then I guess you are not inviting me. Marie has taken good care of [OC]and I am grateful for the way she has handled this situation. OC is always welcome here and if marie is willing we could make arrangements to help you at your house, but that would be the only way."

OW was not happy and said to just bring the OC home, please. So, we did. H did not linger speaking with her. I said my goodbye in the car and did not get out. H was back in about 3 minutes and said the OW did not even say thank you.

After the OC was gone, we talked about visitation and how our lives would change if we had to have full custody.

H has a quirk that he shared with me from the first day that we began an intimate relationship. He read somewhere that the spouses of uncircumcised men have a higher risk of cancer and he has been afraid of this all his life. He is especially attentive to hygiene. But, he told me that he shared his fear with the OW when they were involved. He felt that she was deliberately being vague about her "illness" and making it seem like cancer to make him feel guilty. He also felt guilty that he had ruined her life and now she was facing this medical drama as well.

MBers you would have been proud -- I was so hurt inside. I know that he had an intimate relationship with this woman, and I have already dealt with the hurt of their physical sharing. But, he shared personal, emotional things with her -- things that I thought were only between us. My head was reeling, but I kept focused on the fact that he was in tremendous pain right now. I was supportive and did not LB, although I wanted to scream.

To wrap this up, he feels that she has not changed and may even become more clinging and demanding -- making herself to be helpless and trying to make him feel guilty. So, he is not convinced that we should rush into visitation again without carefully thinking about things.

We even talked about what would happen if we had to take full responsibility for the OC. We both felt that we would be ready to meet the challenge of full custody because then we would be in full control of the situation and that would make things easier.

The ball is in her court now! We are going to wait and see what her next move is. So, for now, we are cheering each other up over the bubbly little 2.5 year old who brightened our little nest for a few days and shook up our hearts.

Thanks everyone for your support. I know there will be more ups and downs in my future, but for right now it feels good to be able to share these feelings with my H and feel secure that he is not being sucked back in by the OW. for now ...

love to all,
marie

Did I say H was not being sucked in by OW? That is certainly not for lack of her trying.

She called last night in tears telling my H how upset she was about her medical problems. She was especially worried that if something happened to her, she didn't know what would happen to the OC.

My H reassured her that she would be fine and that she should have confidence in her doctors, etc., etc., etc.

OW tells hims that he has really helped her to relax and build her confidence, but it would be much better if he would come over and sit with her for a while. Do you believe this woman?

H politely declined. She got annoyed and hung up. I am beginning to wonder if this woman is really sick or if she is just exaggerating the situation to make my H feel sorry for her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

The subterfuge doesn't seem to end ...

marie

Marie,

Anything new on this front? Just wondering how you are doing as well! I think that you are doing a wonderful job in your situation!

Tigger