He seems to think that the more details you know, the more you will obsess over them?! Don't know about you but I was able to "obsess" less once I got more details. Part of my obsession was the "not knowing", trying to figure out the lies I had been told, and wondering what "secrets" the two of them shared that excluded me. Getting some details was helpful for me. Maybe some of it is it's too "embarassing" for your WS to share the details. Or, my ex-WS was afraid it would "hurt me more". The whole mess was embarassing to me! Why should WS be excluded from difficult issues? As for hurting me more, I don't think that's possible. My ex-WS has gradually given me more details, but I still have many more questions. As others here have said, it's an individual choice.

I posted this message earlier to someone on another forum. I hope it helps...
Here's an excerpt from DearPeggy.com, I hope she doesn't get mad for me using it. Its kinda long, but to the point.
"I want to share a beautiful example of a letter one man wrote in his effort to get his wife to answer his questions."

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

I know way more about the OW than I ever cared to know. She was our next door neighbor. She was homely, extremely overweight, and living with another man. I never got details from him about the affair, all I got is that he said she treated him like a friend. Translation: She was there to pat him on the baby and say "Oh baby, I am so sorry your wife is such a witch and I will listen to everything you ever have to say, etc". I don't care to know anything anymore. I know he kept boxes of letters from her, which he still probably has to this day, even though he claims to hate this woman. I know that he wouldn't let me read them, which when we were attempting to rebuild, I felt would be beneficial to me. Because he tried so hard to hide them, I began to feel that there was some kind of current flowing between them that was more than just a fling in his mind. Now I am filing for divorce, so it's just as well I don't know a lot about it. It would be just that much more to forget, or try to get over, and believe me, through the discovery of the affair, the endurance of her pregnancy, the waiting for DNA results, and resultant collapse of the marriage, I have enough on my plate already. Sometimes not knowing is good.

I guess curiosity is the reason why we want to know the answers to so many hurtful questions. Curious to know what is it that the OW has or did that I didn't!! I was curious just like you, at first my husband lied to me about who she was because it was his co-worker, someone I had seen,had conversations with, and had been to my home before. I don't know if it hurt me any more to know who she was. Infidelity is infidelity. They tried to be very covert in dealing with each other at first but, like all things in the dark, IT CAME TO LIGHT!! They had been to the local beach, my home when I was at work, and to events (pretending to be just friends). We separated for a year and got back together, and even though we have talked about this several times, you still wonder if there is something you do not know.

If you choose to get your questions answered please keep in mind, there is no justification for infidelity. No matter how pretty she was, how much she stroked his ego, how skilled she was in bed, how much she listened to his feelings, and shared his thoughts. Cheating is a selfish act. Married couples need to communicate more instead of venturing out.

Can I say that you should not want answers to your questions??? NO. But, do not expect the answers to be unrealistic(given the situation) or free of detriment to your feelings. Do you really want to know. Only you can be the judge of that!!!

Fortheboys,

Sorry it took me so long to respond.

You wrote,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ZEBRABABY - thanks for the idea about the disclosure weekend. I really liked it. My husband unfortunately did not. He seems to think that the more details I know the more I will obsess over them. Did your H disclose details of their sex life (positions, what they did, etc.)?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, he did. Down to the last dirty detail. And some of them were quite dirty.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
My husband does not want to do that, and therapist agreed with him even though I want to know everything. I find I keep asking the same questions over and over again. Did you do that?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I did. And that's one of the reason's it was so important for me to just hear it all. And once he told it all, my questions were greatly reduced. They weren't eliminated. Heck, I still ask some. But they are no where near as intense or detail driven.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know why. I do think I'm going to write down all my questions as you suggested, and maybe when things are a little calmer and we both feel more secure in our relationship he will feel more comfortable answering them. Or maybe then I won't need the anwers!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's very possible. You may not need them. I remember someone saying that it's very important to make sure your husband feel secure too. Perhaps he's not feeling secure that you'll stay knowing all the details. He also probably fears that he will hurt you further. Hold off for a while and reapproach later.

But meanwhile, keep working on not lovebusting, communicating (about other things than the details), and filling each other's emotional needs. The right time will come as your marriage grows stronger. It just isn't the right time for him. Hold on my dear... the other side really is wonderful. You'll get there eventually.

Z.