Hello Friends,
I am feeling so numb and down righ now. I am not sure I can do this. I have been so strong up until this week. H and I have worked through so much but now I don't know if I can do it... My girls know about 1/2 brother now and I want to do everything right... To make them feel secure, to make sure they don't think oc was a mistake only the act that caused it (how in the h-- do we do that?), to not make H out as bad guy... I answered the question about why daddy was his daddy if he wasn't married to his mommy by telling the girls that you do not have to be married to have a baby, but it is prefered because you want the child to have a mommy and daddy living together. My eldest said I thought you had sex when you were married. I said, well yes that is prefered but you can have sex even if you are not married and sometimes people make mistakes about having sex with someone they do not love. I don't know if I can do this... I am looking for support and encouraging words because I just don't know. I want to handle all of this the right way and there is a part of me that just wants to blurt out that H hurt me but this is NOT the time for the girls to try and understand that. How can I go on? I have full support of H but he does not know yet of my insecurities I am feeing right now. He is not at home and I just needed to let it out! I am babbling, but have many feelings and then again no feelings What am I feeling anyway?????

I think that if you tell the girls that daddy hurt mommie by having sex with someone else and making a baby, they would understand why they see you sad sometimes. I think that would help, not hurt.

Not that you are expecting them to console you or feel responsible but just to help them understand that what happened was WRONG and it DOES HURT!

You can't go around pretending to be superwoman in front of your kids forever. It's too much pressure.

Just reassure them that daddy loves them and daddy loves mommie and God will take care of your family. Keep the faith! Keep trusting God to handle all the unknowns and what if's. Ask for God's peace to be resting on your family and I will too! Consider yourself hugged. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You CAN do it. What God leads us to, He will lead us through. Someone said that to me recently and it is soooo true. Hang in there!

Makingitwork,
Yes you can do this. BTDT gave you some great advise. By telling your children that Daddy hurt mommy will ease their fears when they see you down. And by following up by how Daddy loves you and them will reassure them and make them feel secure.

I think it's a valuable lesson to teach children that in real life people hurt one another. By seeing you two in love and being affectionate they'll understand that forgiveness is also apart of reality.

Keep focused on your love, draw strength from how far you've come. Remember, to recover from a tragedy like this qualifies you for the Amazing Women of the World Club!

Good luck,
Z.

Dear Making It Work:

I can't tell from your post when you had D-Day (Discovery Day-when you leanred about the affair and when you learned of the OC) You also do not tell us how long the affair was or if you and your husband are in recovery or what the situation is with the XOW or how old the OC is. How many children do you have with your husband and how old are they?

I am assuming that this is all relatively new to you and that you might be making decisions too soon with regards to disclosing information prematurely to your kids or other people in the family.

My advice in the early days and weeks and months after discovery, is to do nothing. The only and most important thing is to begin the recovery process within the marriage. You are not obliged to tell anyone, not even your kids, until you and your husband have had ample time to work on your marraige and face the issues that caused these horrible circumstances.

I give you a lot of credit for having compassion and care for the OC when this is very likely fairly new informaiton with all the raw emotions attached to it. Most of us have very ambivalent feelings in the beginning and sometimes for years or even forever.

The only thing you and your husband should be concentrating on is each other and your marriage...the rest will all be there to deal with once you have been in recovery for a while. Learn and study the MB Principles and Rules and Policies and make them a way of marital life. Focus your attentions on meeting each other's emotional needs and begin listening to each other. Read everything you can on rebuilding a marriage and keep posting here to find answers for yourself.

Try to save some of this information for when your chidlren are a lot older...giving them too much informaiton too soon sometimes can rob them of their innocence and childhood forcing them to face adult issues too soon. I am not suggestion lying to them, but some things are simply none of their business. This stuff that has happened really only concerns you and your husband right now. However, since you are already in contact with OC, you could be more matter of fact and just say that "Dad has a son or daughter and he/she will be coming to visit occasionally." The rest of their questions could be answered with "Someday we will sit down and talk this through but for right now, we will just enjoy OC's company."

I don't know...I'm not really a good one to give advice on this since we are five years into this and none of our grown children know about their Dad's OC. But then, we have no contact and OC is several states away and it's none of their business anyway. And each one of them is old enough to be OC's parent themselves. We are struggling with many other issues anyway. Their knowing would only complicate our situation which is fairly grave.

The "good" news is that our marriage has been restored and we have one year and one month of recovery. It was a long and difficult road for us of four years of trial and tribulation, but we not only survived but exceeded ours and everyone elses assessment of the outcome...despite the hardship, we are very blessed. If we can do it, there is hope for anyone.

Good luck and God bless

Catnip =^^=

Thank you everyone,

I have been on this site for a month now. I am not new to infedelity. My D-Day was March 2000 when my H confessed (call me stupid, I had NO idea). We have worked hard on our marriage since the day he told me. I knew about the pregnacy up front so I've known about oc just as long (he is 2 1/2). We haven't told children before now becuase we wanted to work on US first and make sure we were strong and where we stood on what to do about oc. Tests were done and he is definitely H's son. My H and I are strong and he supports me and does EVERY thing I ask to make me feel safe and comfortable. We chose to tell our children now because my H has had visitation since oc was born and having H gone everyother Saturday was getting old. We knew we needed to tell our children before anyone else told them about their 1/2 brother. (mainly his mom,my opinion) I felt stronger than ever as a person and our marriage so we decided now was the time. We only answer the questions with the simplist thing that can be said to answer what they ask. I fell at this young age they do not need to know that Daddy hurt Mommy, that will come about soon enough. I need them to see how strong we are and how loving before they hear that. They wouldn't truly understand it anyway since they have no concept of what a relationship entails. I have just been feeling down for the last 2 weeks because I knew we were doing this and my life would not change as I know it. I know it will be a big relief not to lie anymore about where Daddy is and getting on with what our life really is. I believe that SECRETS are VERY harmful so that is another reason for telling them now at a young age when they don't have all the judgement, reactions that adults do. They only show love towards all. Thank you all for listening last night. My H came home and we talked and he reminded me how strong I am and that he believes in me 100% on how we handle this situation. I really need and appreciate your support through this time. Thank you.