This has been going through my mind for awhile. How to deal with the anger and hatred from the OW. OW is very upset because her plans did not work, getting pregnant and my H leaving me to be with her and the OC. I spoiled that plan, by standing by my H side,and working to keep our marriage together and make our bond stronger.
well, any way, OW acts a if i did something wrong, always telling H to tell me to stay out of her business and stay away from her. She won't even park on the same side of the parking lot when we pickup and dropoff OC,let alone be anywhere near me.She is nasty when she calls our home and i answer the phone,she says"let me talk to H" or put H on the phone, in a very rude manner.She calls because OC is cranky and is asking for her daddy,she can't handle it on her own. Once when she called, i replyed," excuse me, you don't talk to me like that when you call MY HOUSE" she started yelling, calling me all kinds of name, so i hung up on her.Told H what happened then she called back,same rude tone, gave phone to H, she starting yelling at him also, about me and how i better do this and do that.H did tell her, that there was no reason for her to be so rude when she call our home, then he reminded her this call was about OC,not her.she still kept on yelling.and he also told her, that we never yell or argue around OC,cuz it's not good for the child. We always present a loving and caring relationship in front of OC, even if we are upset with each other. She really gets bent out of shape when i answer on the speakerphone,once H picks up the other phone, first thing out her mouth, TKAE ME OFF THE SPEAKERPHONE!. WAH! WAH! WAH!
She even has her older child(age 14 or somewhere around that)and her little friends, give me nasty looks and rude gestures. I just blow it off.
I'm sorry, i'm starting to yak to much and getting off the subject. So back to the question, how do you handle all the hostility and rudeness? When H says anything, she becomes a real "B" and says she doesn't care how i feel.And i have no say so,in her business. This is my business,cuz this is my life,my marriage and MY HUSBAND.
When OC first started to spend time in our home, OC was not a very lovydovy child, now it has been almost 6 months since weekend stayovers started, OC is very lovydovy now.There are times when it is time to go back to mommy's house,OC puts up a fuss, one day it took H and I,10 minutes to get OC dressed and into the car,and then OC was acting very upset on the ride there. I know we are having a very positive influence on OC,and OW feels she doesn't have much control over it, so that probably is why she is so rude.
I don't know how to handle this, any opinions and advise? Thanks for listening.

D-D,

Well, I have 2 things to offer you. From this post, it's obvious that xOW is very immature and selfish! She can't handle the fact that you're still M to your H, and she didn't win!!!! She hates the fact that OC IS lovydovy, cause she probably tried to keep that from happening as well! She hates the fact that you ARE a part of OC's life, and xOW can't do a da--ed thing about it!

Now, my recomendations are as follows. Continue to show a united front to the xOW and OC. Keep showing your love for your H, but just don't over do it! In other words, don't make it forced! Keep it genuine! Second, kill her with kindness!!!! I don't mean to bend over and take it when she's rude, but always be cheerful with her! She'll hate every second of it, but you will come out the bigger person, and the adult in those instances!!!! We have seen it work MANY times on this board, and it can/will work for you!

Good luck, and continue to come here to vent, and get advice! Unfortunately, this xOW will probably never change, but if you just look at it as she's always going to be this way, and that it has no basis, you can learn to live with it!

I kinda had a similar situation(emotionally) w/my MIL. She used to make comments, actually still does, that would drive me crazy, or hurt my feelings! Well, I have learned that I can't change her! No matter what I do or try, these things still happen. What I decided was that I was going to ignore those feelings, since there was nothing I could do about her personality. Our relationship is TONS better now! I don't cringe when I hear her voice on the phone, and actually enjoy going over to their home when we visit family! She'll still do things, like this major family gathering next month! We can't say for sure that we will definately be there until possibly the day before, but she insists that this is MORE important than H's job!!!! Well, if the military says that you HAVE to be somewhere, you'd better be there! She goes on to say that EVERYONE is going to be there and it would be SUCH a shame if H isn't there! I just said, "We'll try, and if Sailorman can't make it, the kids and I will be there for sure!" She didn't really like that answer, but I changed the subject after that, and that was that.

I know, a little different as she's my MIL, but you can treat the xOW the same. You are M'd to your H, and there's obviously NOTHING she can do to change that!!!! She already tried, and it backfired into her face! If she can't live with that, that's HER problem, not your's! Be the grown-up, and answer the phone or greet her with a smile every time! At home, away from her and OC, and even H, you can grit your teeth and call her every name she calls you, if it makes you feel better. She'll learn soon enough that she won't get a reaction from you, and hopefully things will change.

OK, I think I rambled long enough! Hope I helped some! And if not, hopefully someone with better sage advice will offer some soon!!!!

Tigger

Hmmm... my first gut reaction is that your H needs to really put xOW in her place. Wonder how xOW would respond if he said that either she is to respect you--his wife--or else forget about any further contact. Obviously you love the OC and are not holding animosity toward the child, but the mom is about to ruin the whole relationship with her disrespect. Sheesh!

I agree with tigger on presenting a united front between you and your H. I think your H needs to set the xOW straight and yes, together with you, and yes, on the speaker phone!

I can't help but imagine that you must think how in the world could your H ever get involved with such a loser!

She's acting like a loser because 1.she didn't go after a single guy and 2.she is lashing out at YOU for her own stupidity? and 3.she needs to get a life!

If I were you I would pray for her that she will find a new guy who will love her in spite of her behavior. I would pray for God's peace over the entire situation. I would pray that your H would see xOW's manipulation and not give in to it whatsoever. I would pray for impenetrable unity in your M.

Then, you can do like tigger said and greet xOW with a smile and just laugh at her because she is not going to drag you into her pit of misery and discontent.

Another thing that dawned on me is that you probably have no idea what all your H has told her about you that has maybe caused some of her hostility toward you? Just speculation because you never know?

Sometimes WS's get OP's to believe that their BS is crazy.

In my opinion I think that you are doing everything great! I think this is just a problem with OW. OW could be like this for many reasons. I know sometimes I am mad...but sometimes I need to sit down and rethink why I am angry. Example: H comes home and doesn't say hi...just goes about doing things with his work stuff. Hours later after a couple other things I am really irritated that I can't get the lid off the pickles, and blow up because H won't get off the couch to come help me with the lid. So really I wasn't mad about the lid...I have to cool down and figure out what Really irritated me. I didn't deal with H earlier because he just got home from work...so it just built up. OKAY getting to the point-maybe OW is angry for a lot of different issues that she just hasn't worked out. Maybe she hasn't been able to work them out because part of it is things with your H and she hasn't been able to talk them out since he is working on his marriage with you and it isn't appropiate so things are just sitting there. I kind of had this problem with my OM. He did a lot of hurtful things to me. I didn't want him back, I was glad he was also working on his marriage but had unresolved feelings I needed to tell him and get him to respond to. It really helped me get over the "stuff" that was eating at me about OM. I am sure everything is compounded by being a single mother. I am sure OC enjoys being at your house and when OC goes home has a problem adjusting, OW must see this. I have divorced friend and her son always has an attitude problem when he first gets to her house after spending time at dads. I think in this case both households are good, it is just an adjustment for the child going from one house to another. It is also probably a reminder that he doesn't have both parents he loves in the same house.
I think in your case it is the OW and she is just unhappy about a lot of things. You are just an easy place to put the anger. All you can do is be the best person you can be to your H and the OC. OW needs to work out her stuff on her own, hopefully down the road when she is in a better place she will remember that you have only been nice to her and OC! I hope in some way this helped.

Yes,OW has alot of issues, the biggest one is me. And i'm not the one who caused it, it was her and my H, but mostly her. She had her choice of having an abortion,all of her family told her to have one and so did H. But she talked to her 13/14yo daughter,she said to have the baby so she did. I, myself would not ask the advise of a teenager, they don't know what life is about let alone take care of a baby. Now her daughter is stock at home babysitting,when she should be out enjoying her teenage years.I feel sorry for her, if she turns out like her mother, she will be a teenage mom.And by the way, OW got fired from her job, because she got caught doing indesent and lude acts at work, during the day. Imagine that. That where OW and H had most of their meetings. Thank goodness they didn't get caught,both would have lost thier jobs and i would be in jail right now, i would have killed them both.
Sorry, back to the topic,when OW choice to have this child, she choice to do it on her own,H told her there was no way he will ever be with her, plus ther was a question wether it was his, she did alot of messing around. To me why would any woman get pregnant by a married man,think he would be with her and child at such a late age(she's almost forty)and having raised one child already on her own, that is pure crazy.
I have always been nice to OW,at the beginning when i found out, someone did tell me to kill her with kindness,instead of killing her for real, so that is what i have been doing. but her rude and nasty ways really get to me sometimes, i would like to just beat the crap out of her, but for H and OC, i keep my mouth shut, i wish she would.
Well, got to go H, is on his way home from work and I'd like to get a shower before he gets here, so i can look real nice, i'm hoping alot of loving will go on tonight.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> thank you for the advise. be back later.

did,did,,,,,,, 1st of all you have every right to be in oc life as oc is YOUR h's child.

i have to disagree with btdt though as i don't feel you should ever use the oc or visitation with oc as a leverage point. it may end up biting you in the butt.

i do agree with tigger. bobby bowden the head football coach for florida state seminoles tells all his to stay out of trouble when someone is mean to you be nice in return. it will kill them.

he wasn't from an A, but when my oldest sons mom was very testy towards me i just stayed very calm and respectful. it was a double edged sword. 1st i felt much better and in the long haul taught my son much more about handleing life then he learned with her. (he's told me this many times). and secondly it drove his mom nuts. she would get so much more upset at times i thought she would pop. which (though on the evil side made me feel good that i was pi$$ing her off without burst all the vains in my neck). so it was more like an epee (3 edged fencing sword) then a sword.

and last your h needs to set ow staight that you are and always will be his w and have contact with the oc. therefore in her own best interest and that of her c, she should calm down and try to maintain a civil attitude.

i keep myself very business like when dealing with fh's om. i find that i don't really hate him like i used to. instead i kind of feel sorry for him. he's screwed (pun intented) his life up with every turn he's made in the last 2 yrs or so and it will be with him forever. it's kinda sad.

jmho...you can't control how she acts, only how you act. Kindness and calmness is the way to go. As for phone calls...allow your answering machine to ALWAYS pick up. If it's her, she can leave a message for your H to call back and a short message as to the reason for the call. THEN...neither you or her have to deal with her unreasonable rudeness/anger. (Plus if ever needed...you've got her on tape.) Since her calling is leading to these types of exchanges and her losing all control, it's best to avoid the situation as much as possible.