I'm curious to know how many of you have told your family and friends about affair/OC? It has been 5 months since D day and we haven't told anyone but therapist. Our children know we are fighting and having problems, but not what it is about. Right now H has contact with OW on phone and sends $ (no formal agreement - just verbal) but is not seeing OC. We haven't decided how we want to handle that yet and we are concentrating on our marriage right now - that is too much to deal with at the moment. I know if OC comes into our life we would have to tell everyone and explain it, to our kids but also to our friends and family. How do you do that? How did your friends respond? Your family? I've read a little about how people have told their kids, but nobody mentions all the other people in their lives (neighbors, friends, carpools, church, cousins, aunts, etc) who suddenly see another child in your life! These are adults who aren't going to accept Daddy made a mistake. Everyone will know that your H had an affair. I don't know if I can deal with explaining to everyone in our lives where this child came from. We don't live in a bubble. We live in a very small town, and my children will be affected by the gossip about my marriage, as will I. I don't know if I am strong enough to ignore all of that. How do you deal with that? OR, if you don't tell anyone, how do you deal with that? I feel like I am living a lie to everyone I meet. I'm no longer the person you think I am, because I have this dirty secret. I've never been able to lie in my life. I can't even call any of my close childhood friends because I know I won't be able to talk to them without them knowing something is wrong and I can't lie. Any advise is greatly appreciated.

Dear fortheboys,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Oh...... How we are leading such similar lives. I have posted the same question before. I am in your shoes only my d-day was about 4 years ago. The only person we told right away was my H's mother. She has been my Spiritual advisor since. We took the time to work on US. To sort out how WE were going to deal with this situation and I think that was VERY important for us. I knew about A and then she called to tell us she was preg. So I've been in on it since the beginning. The oc is now 2 1/2. My H has seen his son since day one every other Saturday. In the beginning I requested his mother or father attend the visit with him because he was not allowed to take him from the home. Then when he was 1 he took him to his mom's house during the visitation. I took some time about 10 months and then I told a really close friend. They have been supportive through the whole ordeal and have not turned on my H only accepting him with open arms. We are soooo lucky to have friends like them. Then 2 years went by and I told my parents and H told siblings (which was a mistake with one and another story!). My parents took it hard especially my Dad. Mom is such a loving forgiving person she immediately felt for H. My Dad thinks or did at that time that H should have no contact with oc. I knew H could not do that and neither could I knowing what we could teach him about family, love etc... and I could never NOT tell our girls. Just 4 days ago we told our daughters about their 1/2 brother because I KNOW the SECRET is damaging and especially the older the children. I am all about being open and honest, I can't lie either and lying about where H was every other Sat. just about ruined me. YES, my huge worry is about how to tell neighbors, friends, family and it is part of what held me back, but now it is only a matter of time until it is noticed. The secret was eating away at me and I just wanted to get it over with. Now I am going to worry all through the school year... Like you, I do NOT want to have to explain to everyone about the 1/2 brother because I know it will come out through the girls. I have been told to stand tall with my arm on my H's and show my strength...people will follow my lead and if they see I am doing well and so is our family then they will follow. Also let them talk... they will (although this is HARD to say) You know who you are and the people who love you will see what a right thing you are doing by your family. I don't think we need to tell our story to anyone we don't feel comfortable with-it is none of their business!
I have rambled on and I hope I have helped in some way by letting you know that I have been there and I am now in the midst of EVERYONE knowing. Please feel free to ask me specific questions, you had soo many and I have so many thoughts that I don't know if I covered everything you asked. I am in your shoes only a few steps ahead, so any answers I can give to help you through my experience I will be glad to share. I am here for you and understand your FEARS EXACTLY! I'm right there with you!

Before I had some evidence of my H cheating I would laugh with his friends about him cheating. I feel stupid because I wonder now did they know and if they were laughing at me not with me!

They will probably tell you to leave your former WS so I think if you are prepared to just let them know off the bat that they shouldn't even waste their breath telling you to leave him because you are way past that by now...

You already know what they must be thinking so take it from there and hold your head up. If your marriage has survived this far, how can anyone criticize you????

Hang in there! You're making it work! Keep moving forward...

fortheboys
when i found out, within the next 48hours, my childern knew and my sisters knew. there was no keeping it in for me, i was so angry and hurt, i had to tell someone, especially my sisters. they have been my ironhorse, they have always been there for me ,i've been thru alot a crap in my life before my now husband. then two days later my co-workers knew and also my boss, i was such a wreck at work, they have all been a source of strenght for me, very encouraging.that was 2years ago,i'm just now able to say something about OC to people,other than my family. there are still some who give strange look,but i pay them no mind.there are still other people who are afriad to ask,i see it intheir eyes, someday i'll tell them the whole stories. keep your head up,you are a wonderful person, like the rest of us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
good luck

The first person I told was my best friend. She was right there for me at every turn.
I think I also told her within a day (probably hours) of discovery.

The fact that there were others that knew BEFORE I did was the main reason I didn't keep it to myself. I was called by a friend of H's and told that there was another woman and that she was pregnant.

I told my parents. I told my sister. I told my boss... as I was a basket case for the first couple of weeks following discovery... then was even worse when I realized I was miscarrying a second baby. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Before the OC was born, we filed to establish paternity and legitimate her. After the DNA was completed we began contact with Lil Bit. She was 5 wks old.

Everyone knew from the start. We didn't really hide anything.

I need to add alittle more this topic.
My H,OW and I were working for the same company(until OW got fired not to long ago).H and I meet there, so we know almost everyone there,H has worked with most of them at least 7yrs before i started, OW came along maybe 4yrs after i started. Well anyway,I never knew OW, I transfered to another satilite office, to better my career,than made another jump to a different office,closer to the main one.A started about 7months before D-Day,which was 2/16/2000,at which time OW was at least 4monthe pregnant.After D-day,H had to speak to his boss, I insisted that he change his schedule to aviod any contact with OW,as much as possible, H's boss was very disappionted in H, they have worked together for many years and knew us very well. HE(boss)was very helpful,he arranged h's schedule so we were able to ride to and from work(H & I), which helped ease my mind alittle, and also H was not allowed to work any evening or weekend shift,i didn't want him around OW.Also the rest of his department were informed of all this, they were disappionted and alittle mad at H,they all really liked me alot,and they all never knew any thing was going on with H and OW.But they did knew OW, and they did tell me what type of person she is,a real BIMBO SLUT, she has come on to almost everyone of them(all are married) they all turned her down,some i have my doubts about. Well,to move on,I had H, talk to HR,to get a transfer to a different facility which he did. In the meantime,OW was talking to everyone, coworkers,clients, anyone who would listen.Poor me!! We put a stop to that H & I went to HR,and asked them to speak to her,they did.She was not about the A or anything to due with H to anyone,it is noones business but ours(H,OW and I)and if she was caughtand/or they got complaints from anyone, she would be terminated immediately. That shut her up for alittle while. but when she started to show, she would stop anyone and everyone who worked there and said to them," I just thought you should know so& so( my H)is the father of my baby", of course everyone was shocked,but thier thoughts were,she doesn't even know me,why is she telling me this? So after that,when I had to go there,the main office, for meetings and stuff, everyone always gave me strange looks,as if they wnted to ask me face to face, does she know, how is she handling this? But I always kept my composure, kept my head high,Cause I knew I was a better person than OW, and I still was married to my H.
After awhile they knew how I was handling it,and they all said I was a better,stronger person than they were, cause they wouldn't or couldn't go through all of this crap.Even after OC was born, OW still did this, at company functions,where family were invited, she always brought OC,once she even had OC in a shirt with H's last name printed on it(she gave OC H's last name at birth, even when none of us knew for sure if H was the Father)she looked like a real loser. She would never let us near her or OC,but she made sure she was always very close by us,always in our field of vision. But H and I, held our heads high and stayed very close to each other,holding hand and very loving touches and kisses.
so as you can see, I had no chioce as to tell anyone outside of my family, but I'm dealing with it, everyone at the company who know and know us, know me are on our side and proud of me for the way I'm handling this all.
Thank you for listening, this site is a real big help, I know there are others who are going thru the same CRAP!!!!

Ok, in my screwed up case we'll start with my H. We were seperated for 3 months when he came crawling back home. He ahd a big smile on his face teling me about all the sex between them then "oh by the way, she's pregnant" I believe it was I that told others. So now OC, is 4 1/2 and I believe everyone in the family know. H pays child support, but OW refuses to let him have any kind of visitations with the child. But she lets me bring the the kids by every once in awhile and on a blue moon she'll stop by here with oc to see H. She keeps telling us that she's gonna have H sign of his rights so her H can adopt the OC. Which never happens. Now she's busy screwing around on her H. Go figure?

Me, I got pregnant about a week before we seperated. I told H the complete truth about 2 weeks after he came back. Felt guilty as hell. From there on H told anyone and everyone he could think of. Trying to make himeself look like the victim. Then MM told everyone that H didn't know. H wanted to be on the birth certificate even though he knew he wasn't the bio-father. This pissed MM off and he took us to court. MM lost. A child that is conceived and born in a marriage is the H. Even with a DNA test. Then I was stupid and had sex wit him again that resulted in me becoming pregnant. MM made sure that everyone knew it was his kid. Even called my grandmother in law and told he the details. I told H the truth from day 1. He told me to get rid of it, but I couldn't. Again, H wanted to be on the birth certificate. It was his request, not mine. I wanted him to leave at the time.

Right now, H doesn't have anything to do with his OC, and this is against my opinion. I think the oc has a right to know his father, and siblings. I think this is the reason why I puch and bite my tounge when it comes to the XOW. This is just one of my H many affairs. I know about 6 of them.

MM is now divorced, but still lives with his XW. They have no children together, but she has his balls and he allows it. DM comes by to see the kids by sneeking. On occasion it will be a legitament vist. He does help out $$ wise on occasion also. This was my only affair. I have learned never to let my self get so low inlife agian.

Ok, really quick. And I mean it this time.

Don't tell a soul until you had DNA. I can't remember right off the top of my head if you have or hadn't. But I wish to God I hadn't told anyone.

Just in case you don't know me. We had (non court negotiated) visitation for almost a year ... we never took the DNA test until the OW started demanding more money and chose to take us to court.

And the results were that my H was NOT the biological father of the OC. As convinced as she was that he got her pregnant, science proved that she was WRONG.

So in hindsight, I wouldn't have told anyone, especially my mom who took it very hard. She and hubby couldn't have a civil conversation for almost a year and a half.

Anyway, that's what I wanted to tell you.
Z.