Hey Chris,<P> I feel for ya, Guy. This stuff sucks worst than life itself.<P> Yesterday I reached my quota of BS regarding Val's "Friend". I have been lied to so very much I'm not sure which way is up.<P> I dropped off a "non love buster letter" at W place of business. She was in attendance as I handed it to another employee whom I know and asked her to make sure she got it. W followed me outside and wanted to know "what's up". I told her to read the letter.<P> Short but sweet letter asking for very little, but, informing W that my lawyer will be contacting her shortly and divorce is coming. Val called me twice during lunch hour stating "what are we doing?" I told her I was trying to fix the marriage and she was not by seeing boyfriend.<P> I will follow up on divorce in the morning and it will hopefully issue a wakeup call. I will send papers to her, but will sit on them and let her think about this for a while. I believe unfortunately that I really would follow thru with them at this point. She willingly got into this situation and had to know full well it would hurt me, and I'm ready to let go.<P> I'm sure this is not what you wanted to hear, but, it might just give them [the betrayers] a wake up call knowing what they are about to give up for the supposed "love of their life".<P>Wishing us all the Best<P>Medic

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Chris}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR> ,I'm so sorry Chris, hang in as long as you can, <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Sheba, I was in the kitchen cooking chicken fried steak when she called. I went outside to talk. Had to come back in for a second to tend the food and on my way back out through the living room I said it and my youngest was watching the telly. She didn’t hear much except, “f@ckin it up,”.<P>Medic, As I always tell everyone, “DON’T FILE FOR DIVORCE UNLESS YOU WANT A DIVORCE! Do not use it to try and force the hand of the other person!” I don’t want one so I won’t file. But that is each persons call and I wish you nothing but the best of luck.<P>Deb, last night I bawled my eyes out. Today, I felt pretty darn good. I did come home from work about 12 and sleep for two hours ‘cause I didn’t feel like sitting around a bunch of people. I bawled on the way home and tonight I went to karate (it was cancelled) & I bawled again. I am hanging on, but it seems so hopeless. I cannot comprehend this woman I have known for 21 years! I know she is messed up it is because of the affair, but it still hurts.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Prayers and hugs for you, Chris.<P>{{{{Chris}}}}

A few choice excerpts from the other night;<P>D: So when are we gonna talk about divorce?<BR>C: I don't know.<BR>D: Would there be a good time to call & talk about it?<BR>C: Talk now.<BR>D: Well, don't you think that would be the best option?<BR>C: Absolutely not!<P>Later...<P>C: I don't want a divorce.<BR>D: Well I know you don't.<BR>C: Why do you?<BR>D: Um, let's see, I'm not living with you, I'm not in love with you anymore. What other reason is there?<BR>C: Well, I ain't just gonna sign off on it you know?<BR>D: Pardon?<BR>C: I said I ain't just gonna sign off on a divorce you know?<BR>D: What, you're gonna contest it? For what?<BR>C: Absolutely!<BR>D: You're gonna contest it for what reason?<BR>C: Because I don't think uh, I think we can work it out.<BR>D: So in your mind you think I'm gonna come home and come back to you or something?<BR>C: I don't know. I think we can work everything out.<P>Later, again...<P>D: And you're just going day by day hoping for what?<BR>C: I don't know. But I'm not just gonna give you a divorce Donna. I can't just throw 20 years down the toilet as easy as you seem to be doing.<BR>D: Okay, well. So if I file for divorce I can't have any of the money that's rightfully mine because you're protecting your interest but yet, you're gonna contest a divorce if I file for divorce?<BR>C: Absolutely!<BR>D: It doesn't make a lot of sense to me.<P>LoveBuster ALERT!!!<P>C: Well, what you're doing doesn't make a lot of sense to me Donna. You just up & left. You lied to me left & right. No, no I'm not going to Steve, I won't leave you for Steve, I won't leave you for another man. I won't move to the other side of the country. I won't be away from my kids. You know? I mean all that makes sense right? No, it makes absolutely no sense. You know, you don't even bother to tell me anything's wrong. You have 2 affairs at least that I know of in our marriage. You didn't trust me enough to say, "Hey Chris, you know, something's wrong. We need to do something cause I'm either having these feeling for someone else or I don't have these feeling for you, we need to do something."<BR>D: And I didn't so..<BR>C: Okay, so why can't we do anything about it now? You think there's no chance for us at all?<BR>D: That's what I think, yeah.<P>Later...<P>D: That's what I'm saying to you. I've been living with another man for 6 months, I'm obviously in love with him. I haven't called you and said I'm unhappy, I haven't called you and said I want to come home. Why would you think that…<BR>C: I don't know Donna. Because I can't just throw a marriage down the toilet after 20 years, you know. I stood up and I swore to you and everybody else & I swore to God & I meant it so I can't just say, " well, she took off so there it is it's over". It's not me.<BR>D: Okay, well I guess I'll have to talk to you later about it then.<BR>C: I think uh, we owe each other a little bit more than just saying, "**** off". I think we owe the children a little bit more than just saying **** off.<BR>D: Well you're saying it in front of the children.<BR>C: The children aren't in here they're downstairs. Oh, I say **** in front of the children but you leave them. You leave em & say I don't want **** to do with you. I'll send you a couple presents every once in a while and I'm your mom I still love you, oh I miss you, I'm sorry I can't come home. Why can't you come home? Give me a reason you can't come home. Any reason you can't come home. You can't think of one can you?.<BR>D: Cause you're there.<P>Okay, I was wrong, but it was either get a bit upset or cry. I'll apologize when/if she calls again. She will probably be very defensive when she does, but I'll suck it up.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Chris... hang in there. I hope your appointment with Steve helps.<P>And you did use lovebusters. You realize that---learn and recover from it. God knows that I said very similar things to my wife when we were going through it. It's tough work. Ugh... I feel for you, Chris.

itchy trigger finger... <p>[This message has been edited by K (edited September 08, 1999).]

(((((((((((Chris)))))))))))

Chris - Man, you have been through the crapper, all right! Yours is such a painful situation, I really do feel for you. You certainly have the right to do whatever you feel is right in your situation. But it is hard for me to understand how you can still expect your wife to come back when she's moved halfway across the country to live with the OM and tells you she doesn't love you any more. I know that's really hard for you to accept, and I'm not siding with Donna at all, because she has treated you in what is just an incredibly crappy way. But maybe for your own peace of mind and mental stability you should consider accepting the situation instead of continuing to fight it. Also, I'd say you're WAY past the stage of worrying about "lovebusters" because it sure doesn't sound like there's much love on her part to bust. So do YOURSELF a favor and let her go if she wants to go! Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Chris:<P>I'm so sorry you're going through this. You, Donna and the girls and in my prayers. I hope she comes to her senses soon.<P>God bless you, Brother.<P>Shannon

Hi, Chris,<P>Just hugs 'n' lots of good wishes from me & Dunkie too... we're thinking about you. I wish we could do more to help. <P>God knows you deserve a better outcome for your steadfastness & hard work... but Chris, the things you have done & the things you have learned are *not* a waste, even if it doesn't work out with Donna... I'm a firm believer in "what goes around comes around", and you, my friend, are due a *whopper* of a wonderful payoff someday somehow!!!! *Karma*!! Hang in there, Chris, "for this too shall pass".<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Chris,<P>I have read your threads for a long time. I guess for what its worth, I dont think your last conversation with your wife was necessarily a big love buster. You were honest with how bad divorce talk hurts you and how wrong you think it is. You told her you hope she will come back, that you love her and it sounds like she is still tentative, her conscience is bothering her. <P>I am a wife who was hurting on the inside for a long time and eventually found comfort in anothers arms although things ended before there was sex. I am trying to see things through your wife's eyes and I am only guessing here, but your wife may percieve you as very controlling(not that you actually are) and therefore she thinks the only reason you want her back is because she is your "property". The OM in my case was very flattering and needed me emotionally, was constantly telling me how much he loved me and needed me. My husband treated me like I was a nuisance. When I told him I was leaving, he changed and said he needed me. I really need to be needed and maybe your wife does too. You are so competent as a dad and so "together" when you talk with her she may feel useless. Is there some way you can communicate how much you need her to be a part of your life. Ask her nicely again to come home because you need her(not just the girls). Tell her that you believe that the two of you can learn how to be close, loving and intimate, that you are willing for her to teach you. She has chosen this path and may feel that it is too late to turn around, that you will never really change but try to reason with her, ask her for another chance before divorce. May God grant you supernatural strength.

I'm sorry chris.<BR>I just want to tell you that I'm thinking of you. we all are in here. So you're not alone at least. We all care.<BR>Big hug<BR>Kat

I don't know Chris...(sorry for butting in) but your wife must certainly know how much you're there for her. It's nothing to do with what you have done, because you've done so much to show her that you will be there for her, no matter what. She's making a decision, at the moment, based upon her selfish ways. Geez, if she could only just understand that in the long term she will be the one missing out. I can only feel sad at the fact that if she doesn't come to her senses, and soon, that she will have two daughters that have no respect for her at all (maybe a civil relationship, at best) and a husband that has moved on and found another. It's all her loss, I've seen it too much (neighbors, acquaintances, etc). Wish I could say more, but it wouldn't be within the marriagebuilder's format (other than leaving spouse)..<P>Take care, Chris. You're a special person.<p>[This message has been edited by Madelyn (edited September 08, 1999).]

Jeez kids, I been bawling my eyes out for the last 1.5 hours! My 14 year old has come up to me a few times & asked if I’m okay. I apologized to her for me & Mom.<P>You are all too much for me! If I had a dollar for everyone of you who cared, I’d have at least two dollars! LOL!<P>Thanks all!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Hey Chris -<P>I saved it for this! (Smiley face with wink)<P>I'm glad that you're allowing your emotions to come out - it's needed to for release. You don't want to bottle them up and have them come out in a more destructive manner.<P>You're also grieving!! You had probably hoped beyond hope that when you finally got to talk to her - the words you would hear would be totally different than what you got......... Big let down!! Big Heart Pain!!!!!!<P>I think that you did extremely well under your circumstances. Not knowing the exact causes of her choices and then not even being able to speak of anything about them for all this time - my gosh, the pressure build up would reblow Mt St. Helen's!!!! You, however handled it all pretty well I'd say!!!<P>It bothered me that you took her as sounding as if you're crazy for waiting. I know that it sounded like it ....I'm just bothered that she would call at the 6 month mark and even reference the 6 month mark when that was your statement to her as far as time - wasn't it? Maybe she thought that she blew it bigtime and that you would be crazy for wanting her back? Or maybe she was looking for you to "let her off the hook" so to speak!! I don't know - it's just a thought! <P>Hugs, Strength and Love to you and the Girls,<P>Sheba<p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited September 09, 1999).]

When she asked me if I was waiting for her to come home, I just said I don't know, 'cause I didn't want to hear, "well I'm not!"<P>Distressed, (from the MB Principles thread)<BR>She didn't actually say she was happy. (well, many months ago she did) She said, "I haven't called you & said I'm unhappy or want to come home"<P>Sheba, I'm thinking the same thing as you about her letting her off the hook. Yeah, when she left I did tell her I would wait for 6 months at least. Maybe she's trying to wait me out so she won't feel bad? Who knows? I don't think she is doing it intentionally, but is messed up & doesn't know what to do. <BR>Anyhoo, when she calls again, I will handle it MUCH better.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Morning -<P>Good Luck today with Harley!!!<P>You know, about this "off the hook thing" - the more I think about it, the more I think that it might be the key of this conversation with her.<P>She pretty much said things to you in the form of questions - like prodding you with them!! "yes, c'mon this is what you should want" kind of thing. The next part of that prodding would be "do it - so I don't have to be the complete badguy here!!!" <P>I've had a lot of experience with the "off the hook" stuff from H pulling it. He tried for a very long time to do everything in his power to disgust me, anger me and hurt me enough to leave him - I wouldn't even nibble, let alone bite onto that BS.....I stood firm in my belief that I did not want a divorce and that I loved him and wanted to make things better.<P>I have to chuckle now, but he got so frustrated one time that he actually came right out and said "Can't you ust leave me and get a divorce so I caqn move on with my life." I said "Why would I do that when ...(again said above statements).... "You are the one who wants me out of your life - then do what you are going to do - don't expect me to do it for you." Then I said why are you here if you want this new life - his response was - (Now get this!!)<P>"I don't feel like having to move all my stuff.." <P>All I can say is major whacky heads!!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Chris,<BR>I read this when I was tired, so I reread it again. I just don't get why you think you lovebusted. OK...maybe if you are superhuman and down to the letter in Harley's technique's, but what I see is legitimate anger and a healthy display or emotions and intentions.<P>I think there is a big difference between "lovebusting" which to me would include things just meant to hurt or in a mean spirited approach without the intention for real discussion or resolution....to "holding someone's feet to the fire" so to speak in order to hold them( as well as yourself) accountable and seek honest discussion and resolution. I think you did the later.<P>She abandoned her family. You have a lot of legitmate anger. Remember the bible says be angry, but do not sin. Also speak the truth in love. You can't soft peddle some of this stuff. <P>And she can't come home because you are there? Yeah, right...so the only place she could move is across the country? Please.<P>I'm interested in what Steve says, please post as much as does not violate your privacy.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Chris - I just read this whole thread and I feel for you. What an awful situation you are in. I just want to lend you my supoort and I will pray for you.<P>I care - does that bump the total up to $3?<P>SHA