Anyone have any advice on how to tell older children, 25, 21 and 18yrs about the fact that there dad's lover is now pg? No one knows and I don't want to tell them until I do go to plan b, which is maybe a mos. away, but don't really know how to break it to them. I know younger S. will take it harder, he's the only one that still talks to dad, and is kind of in denial about where dad lives-with ow. I don't want my H. to tell him either, I think it would be better for me to do it, but it will be hard. Sick of having all the hard stuff dumped on me but, oh well, I'm ok with it. Only one of my friends knows and my C. and a pastor I talked to. I really don't know on his side who knows, he wouldn't tell me the truth anyway. Her kids know and her ex-I'm looking forward to getting this over with. Either way, I just can't deal with the emotional ups and downs and I figure he is the loser if he stays with her. He'll never find someone like me that would put up and fight for him like I have and maybe someday he will realize it.

daybydad,

I think that when you're ready to move to Plan B, that you get the kids together and tell them what your take is on this situation, and why you are going to Plan B. Don't forget that Plan B is a position designed to help save your marriage---so you'll want to reinforce with the kids that you have some hope that the marriage may be recovered. But other than that---I'd let Dad answer the tough questions that your kids are going to ask (like "what the hell were you thinking???")

Day by Day,

I am so sorry to hear about your WH and OW and the OC on the way.

I have been on MB site for about 6 months, my WH has been living with OW in city about 800 miles away, and I found out on July 5th that they had a baby and none of us even knew she was pregnant.

I had to tell both my C, D-33, S-35, and it was just terrible.

Fortunately, I had a very good friend who made the phone calls to most of our close friends here and my sister made the calls to my siblings, so the only hard part was telling my own C.

My S took it really bad and I got really upset. Just make sure when you tell them, that you are ok with it and expect that they might be angry. I have found that since WH has cut off all contact with them, that they sometimes take the anger out on me, after all, I'm Mom but I can't seem to fix this.

Are you going to Plan B? I have been trying to Plan A long distance, and now that I found this out, counselor says for me to go to Plan B immediately, but I feel very foolish - it seems rather pointless.

From your email it sounds as though you are still trying to save your M. Me too. Have you had much support from your family and friends with this?

I am so glad I found your post her. I will be praying for you.

cajeanie

Thanks K. and cajeanie, I am glad that more people are on here lately and responding, this is a very lonely, scary situation to be in. I found out by snooping, so I don't know when he would have told me, but it makes plan a very hard. I also went to a pastor and he said plan b, no contact with him, it was making it too easy for him to keep doing what he is doing, so that is what I plan on soon. He is going to talk to the pastor also, but he is on vacation(pastor)so am waiting. Only one friend knows, she wishes I would find someone else, but doesn't pressure me, she knows I want to save our marriage if possible. I'm afraid if more people know they will say give up, so would rather wait and see if he did come back home, then let people know. My friends have been supportive tho, my mom who is a christian, thinks I should divorce him,I guess adultery is the worst thing anyone could do. Today is his b-day and OW's too, but I am dealing with it. saw him for lunch and I know he is going out with her. his loss!! take care

daybyday,

One sentence struck a chord with me. The part about adultery being the worst sin. I am a Christian too and I don't understand other Christians who cannot find forgiveness. I really do hate the new commercial slogan WWJD (what would Jesus do) but really, let's ask that question to them??? Jesus was the one who told the adulter who was about to be stoned, tell the people that ye who have not sinned throw the first stone! I think we are doing the VERY CHRISTIAN thing by showing forgiveness and unconditonal love. That is what Jesus would do!
Just my opinion. Good luck and follow your heart!

<small>[ July 26, 2003, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: makingitwork ]</small>

Yes I will and have forgiven him, that doesn't mean I will put up with it forever tho. There is a point in stepping back and I am just about there. Just have to formulate a good plan b letter and get it straight in my mind.

Exactly! I wouldn't put up with it even a second time (i don't think). There has to be a point when you draw the line. I was talking more about the other people in your life who question your decision to stay. Not you. You have to have found forgiveness if you are trying to make it work but it has to go both ways.

Good luck!

Day by Day,

I am so glad you posted. I am like you - in a very lonely, scary place, because most of my family says the same - divorce him, move on.

Just remember, they are not you and they are not in your shoes, and they don't have to live your life, only you do. It is good to have supportive family and to get good advice, but not all of us can move on, Christian or not, until we feel God is telling us it is time.

I too, am debating Plan B. Counselor also says it's time to Plan B. I am trying to find peace in my heart about this, but haven't so I am Plan A'ing one more month to make it 6 months in Plan A for me, and then hoping that I will be able to committ to a Plan B. I don't think that this is neccessarily the end, so maybe you need to think of it as just moving aside and letting God take control of His Plan for you. That's the way I am going to look at it.

Have your told your children yet???? I am praying for you and will be here to pray for you. Don't worry if everyone doesn't understand where you are with all of this. We each work things out in our own way with God. I am sure your family mean well and want only the best for you, some times others just don't know what to say to us in this situation.

Please keep coming here - there are many who will just be here for you - no judgements.

May God Bless You,

Cajeanie

Thanks cajeanie, I will pray for you also. I was told last oct. when H. was with the first ow to plan b him, but it is very hard. To think of not seeing him or talking to him is so hard, but I am also giving it another month and then will have to go to plan b as this is not working. Still too much rationalizing of things and how the kids feel about what he has done. I asked him today if he ever thought about not seeing me again and he said no, so I don't believe he thinks I can do it. I am going to wait to tell the kids, I think she is due at the end of dec or jan. so if he doesn't come home it will be the thitd most horrible x-mas ever. But I am hopeful no matter what that next year will be better and I will be healing. It is hard to go to plan b when most of the time we get along and we go out, but it is always on his timetable and he doesn't want me to make waves about it. He has made comments about things not being that great with her all the time either but just won't make a decision and that is why I have to go to plan b. I have been going thru this for too long now.

Day by Day,

Are you listed on the Restoration of Marriages prayer list over on the Prayer Board? If not, ask Steadfast to put you on.

Just want you to know that I am here for you and since we will both be doing our Plan B about the same time, and in somewhat similar cases, I will be here to support you if you just need to talk or vent!

God Bless you and your family.
cajeanie

Yes I am on that, have been for a while, don't check it too much tho. I had a big blowout with H. yesterday and don't know if I can wait a month or not, but appreciate your support. Let's keep each other posted as to how we're doing. My D. and Granddaughter are coming in tom. she had moved to wa. state 6wks ago, so will be busy with them, but I try to check in still. It's like a security blanket! thanks again, ttyl DBD