I am new here and glad I found this resource. I can't find a book anywhere about how to get through this and even if it can be done. We've been married 4 years, 2nd marriage each. I have 1 child, he has 3, all are over 18. Apparently, he gave up on me and us within a few months of marraige, but because of MY convictions and my job at our church, he just "lived with me." It only took until about a year ago for his first one night stand. 6 months later, he did it again, another woman. Within 2 weeks of that it was another, but then he stopped. Well, she's pregnant and due in October. We are white, she is black. It doesn't bother me, but her family is very racial and can't deal well with it. She wanted abortion. He did not want to add murder to his adultery. Praise God, she kept the child. I just found out 10 days ago and am still in a fog. My ideal situation would be for her to give the baby to us and me to legally adopt it. (did I mention that I want another child SO badly and had surgery just a few months ago to clear up endometriosis so I could have one.) Her initial response to "my wife knows now, what do you want to do?" was "you can raise the baby at least for the first six months." How can I fall in love with this innocent child and then give it back? Why would she say that? He knows she really doesn't want it, but may be afraid to admit it. She is legally married to someone as she was paid to keep him in the country. My husband is afraid, as am I, that the environment that this child would be in would be dangerous and perhaps unloving, especially if it has obvious caucasion features. Crazy as this sounds, I love this child already. My husband truly thought that once he told me, he'd be free. He doesn't have any feeling for this girl. She was a friend he worked with and it was all about the sex. As I said, he was "done with me." When he saw that I was willing to show grace, mercy and forgiveness, he truly repented even more realizing that I was, as he put it "10 times the person he thought I was." I feel stupid some days, distraught on others, but feel like God truly wants me to show the same unconditional love and forgiveness He showed (and continues to show) me. Also, what a testimony this child will have one day. God has something special planned for her (him). DOes anyone have any advice/experience in this particular situation, especially at this stage of the pregnancy and decision making process? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi I just read about your situation. Ican somewhat relate. I'm glad you seem to have worked it out in some way. I too am new to this I found out last week that my husband of 5 years(we've been together 8 years)has been having an affair with his co-worker. She to is pregnant but supposably it is her ex-husbands. We just had a baby now 10 months old she is so beautiful.We both were into church than we fell away about 3 months ago his affair has been going on for 2 months. The worst part is that he still wants to be with. He says he doesnt feel the same about us. but he hasnt even tried. He broke it off eith her but still sees her everyday at work, and I know he cant make a the right choice while she is in his face. I have forgiven him with Gods help but am still very afraid.

Sooalone & BelieveHeIs,

Well, I hate to say welcome, as this is a very difficult situation, but, you have come to the right place. As for your specific situations, there is much offered here in how to go about handling your situations, but you need to do what's best for your M's. My first recomendation is if you aren't already, get some counseling! What they offer from this site is excellent(from other's experience), but if it's a little out of your price range, you can ask for a recommendation of those in your area who are familuar with/use the Marriage Builders(MB) principles. Second, read anything and everything on this site! Especially the Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA) for you, BelieveHeIs. This will help out in your final decision about what to do about the baby! If you have any specific questions, please feel free to ask! I'm sure more will be by soon! Read and post often.

Tigger

I'm in the same situation. My husband and I have been married for six years. We briefly separated last year. I cannot have children but he now has a daughter by his lover. I thought I was strong enough to deal with the situation as I love my husband very much but I am struggling with my emotions. Any help would be appreciated.

Counseling and blood tests before you make any commitments to these OPs and OCs!!

You never know and you need to be sure. If OP can sleep with your H, what's stopping her from sleeping around with other guys?

Take one day at a time. Do what gives you peace--peace with God and peace with yourself.

Pray and God will make a way. Where He guides, He provides. Hang in there all & yes, welcome to Marriage Builders!

Dear BHI:

I admire you for your strength how you are handling this difficult situation. You show true spirit!

Be careful though in dealing with this OW. There should be clear cut legal arrangements before you agree to raise this child. Paternity test makes sense as well.

Please continue being such a wonderful person. Your H was right, you are incredible.

Lots of good wishes

Megacheeka, how did you deal with things before h daughter was born? Did you know then? It's only been 2 days since my original post and I already am changing my mind about what I want. H told our pastor that he only confessed to make his relationship right with God. It had nothing to do with me. He's still not sure he wants to save M. For the last 3 years it has been ME holding us together (in vain-really-I know now). Can I continue to do it now with more "characters" in the play? Yesterday's emotion was anger, today is: I WILL not live like this. H says "we'll talk." Am I preenting his brokenness and true repentance by "enabling" him? By my co-dependency? All the while meeting all his needs?