Hi, My husband and I have been married for 15 years. He has had several affairs within the last 5 years. Last year one of the affairs produced a child. The testing was done and it was confirmed that he is the father. We do not have any children and have been trying to have one for some years now. The baby lives with her mother in another state and my H goes to see the baby about every 6-8 weeks. He is crazy about the baby and talks about her all the time. His side of the family have gone and spent time with the baby and her family. The child’s 1st b-day is coming up and my H and several of his family are going to the party and will spend the weekend there. I feel so alone. He has never apologized for this situation because he feels that it is partially my fault that he had an affair to begin with. He won't agree to counseling. He says he wants to stay married but that I have to accept his daughter who he loves. I feel very much betrayed not only by him but by his mother and father and other members of his family that want to celebrate the life of this child. To me she is just a reminder of my H unfaithfulness. He says that the affair is over and his only interest is in his child. I see him and his parents becoming closer to the child, her mother and her family and I am hurt. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can be happy and fulfilled in a situation like this?

HappilyEverAfter:

One of the first things that I would tell you to do is to grab the book Surviving an Affair either here or from your local bookstore, and read it. Next, I would recommend that you might want to try coaching with one of the Harley's through their phone counseling service (888-639-1639 for appointments).

Your husband has been having many affairs for the last five years. Why is that? Has the marriage been incredibly unhappy for him over the last several years---and have you contributed to this poor state of marriage??? Or does he have a chronic sexual addiction problem???

If you feel that you've been a poor wife (that's no excuse for your husband's behaviors)---and by that, I mean that you have not protected him from lovebusters or met his important emotional needs (read the concepts here, and it's covered in the SAA book too)---AND you want to see if you can correct your behaviors and take a shot at restoring the marriage---then I would recommend that you consider a Plan A approach. This is where you spend some serious effort to eliminate lovebusters and meet your husband's needs, in an attempt to separate him from his "affair"---in this case, his thoughtless treatment of you.

In this particular Plan A, I would suggest you be very honest (without lovebusting) to your husband. Introduce him to the Policy of Joint Agreement---never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between spouses. See if he's willing to follow that (HAH!). Let him know that his unwillingness to consider your feeling and lack of negotiation is killing your love for him. Give him a limited time (I originally thought about 30 seconds---but you should probably give it a couple months) to respond to YOUR changes.

At the end of this period (or right up front, if you've been doing a decent plan A already, or are worn out by this situation)---you should go to a no contact situation. That's Plan B. It should protect your feelings for your husband (because he won't be hurting you daily with this stuff), and it will also let him see how well you DO meet his needs. Plan B is begun by a letter stating that you are willing to work on the marriage, but not under the current circumstances---and you will hang on hoping that he will be willing to work with you to.

The fact that you have no children, he has had multiple affairs, that he has an OC from one of these, that he has not apologized, that he does not protect you from his thoughtless behavior (doing what he wants with OC regardless of your feelings), and that he does not protect you from the other family members---it would lead me to ask you what benefits do you see from this "marriage"? I hardly ever recommend divorce for anyone around here (and my wife had an OC herself that I am raising)---but I could certainly understand pitching the bum.

So, why do you stay in this situation? What benefits do you have in the marriage? How does your husband treat you otherwise? How "in love" with him are you?

We'll try to help...

Hi,
I guess first and foremost, you need to feel like you are working on your marriage. Do you both want to reconcile? Do you feel you are working towards that? YOU and your MARRIAGE need to come first. It has to be a priority in your life togehter. If it is then...

My h has a child and I look at the child as my little angel because he and I are the innocent ones in all of this. That child did not ask to come into this situation but God wanted him here on this earth for a reason and I look at myself as a vital role in this child's life. My MIL and FIL both see the child. It is their grandchild and they have a right to see the child. Do I sometimes feel left out? Yes, but that is my fault. It will happen no more though because we have accepted this child into our life just recently every other weekend. You can see my posts for full situation. What your H and OW needs to understand that you and H are a package deal and YOU should be going with him on the visits. You should be traveling with H and MIL FIL to this child's birthday. Have you seen the child? Remember she is innocent in all of this and deserves you love too! It can work. I feel like I have offered bits and pieces. I hope I helped in some way. Just know that I have been there and done that YOU are not alone.