I know in the past my post told of how things were going pretty good for our marriage recovery. but now, in the past couple of months things have gotten worst.
When D-Day came around,we were pretty much in the clear financially,bills were caught up on bills ,starting to enjoy the good life. it took about a year before DNA test was done and another 6months or so before CS started.It was a big shock to us and everyone else,OW gets695.00 a month for one child, most people don't get that much for 2 or more children.So that really put a big damper on our enjoying the goodlife. Okay, we cut back alot, no cable, no extras on the phone, cut back on entertainment(my teenage daughter(from a previous marriage)has always had her friends over almost every night and definitely every weekend, the other parents and I always knew where our children were, at my house safe, even on new year's eve and also none of my children,as i call them have NEVER been in trouble or caused any trouble) we use to have get togethers for just about everything. but all of that has stopped. My daughter is also very involved with school activitys,a honor student, involed with the student government and also a cheerleader. not much money involved with them except for cheerleading, that $600 plus for camp and everything else that goes with it. so with her being such a wonderful child how can you deny or say she can do this or that because we can't afford it, now that we have to pay CS, you can't. for awhile there we were managing it, but it has finially caught up to us. my car start to break down, needed new tires, daughter needed a car for herself with all the things she is involved in, i just couldn't drive her any more,with my work schedule,and the insurance for her, we pay more for her's then we pay for my car with full coverage. HEr father does pay CS, but that doesn't begin to cover everything, i have asked him to help pay for her car and insurance, and with her extra activities, he said he would but i haven't seen anything yet.
i'm sorry i'm just yakking away, well to the point, our house is about to be foreclosed on, i have tried everything i can to get money to get caught up, but to no avail, my family has helped as mush as they could,they have to take care of themselves and their childern, and H family has help once, a long time ago, before all this, well anyway they won't help out.( my boss has offered to help,but H, doesn't want to,he said, " how will we ever pay him back, we can't pay our bills now) I can't figure it out, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> with his brother and sisters, mom and dad has help them, almost all the time,helping them pay their bills; phone,gas,water, you name it,and always buying them things for their children, clothes, toys or whatever, more to the point, when their children were babies they always bought them diapers and what not, they have not once bought diapers for OC, we got A coupon once for diapers. other then that, nothing. My H does alot a things around the house, you name it ,he can fix it, so he is always fixing things at their house or his sibilngs house,he use to do all of this free,until i said something, both his brother and brother-in-law are auto mechanics and whenever we needed something done to our autos,they always said bring it down to the shop where they work,so we had to pay and no discount either, so i put a stop to that, even my own sister she would pay something if he did any work for them,so why not his own family, i don't mind him doing things for his mom and dad free, that's a given,i would do the same for my parents, but both have past away,D-26yrs ago and M-4yrs ago, that's how we got caught up, money inherited from her death. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> my sister always buys food for us, takes us out to eat once a week, when we have OC, it's to far to go back home after we pick OC up and we only have from 5:30 - 8:30, with drive time is included, we live at least 45min. to an hour away from pickup point, my sister only 15min.,so we go there every week, we use to go to the mall, but OC got very cranky within a hour or so, and my nieces realy enjoy play with OC,My family has excepted OC and what H did very well,cause they know how much i truely love my H, and how much of a difference he has made in my life,and also my childrens life, we( my children and I) were very distant in each other life's, now we are very close.
Sorry again, moving on, well since we will be moving,unless we win the lottrey, H is not sure we will be moving together, he doesn't want to get back in this situation again, we're inthis because of him, with OC ans CS, don't get me wrong I love OC very dearly,and i'll would do anything to have her in our life more which will never happen, but H's love for OC, is overpowering the love we have for each other. somehow he has forgotten,how i have stood by his side in all this, it was me who pushed him into fighting for his right to have visitation with OC,since he had to pay CS, OW did not let him see OC until OC was almost 1yr old,and OW forced that meeting on him,she went to his work place unannounced,had him paged to go to front lobby for a guest,so he had no choice. and at that piont he told OW,he will never be with her,he'll do his part, pay CS,but we were going to fight for joint custody of OC, she was not happy about that, she got a lawyer so the fight was on, now H cares very deeply for OC, OW knows that and she uses OC an that love as a way to get him, throughing in the guilt, saying he needs to be more involved in OC life, OC always misses daddy and always crying for him. OC just enjoys being with daddy more,because OW is always yelling and screaming, just making her house a nerve racking place.
well back to the piont, of all that we,more like what i have gone through, should i still fight for my marriage or just let it go, deep in my heart, i know H wants be able to spend more time with OC, he can't do that now because OW hate for me. H has said that if we don't make it, he still would not go and be with OW, she is crazy and a big B----,but to be with OC, i think he would. and i'm pretty sure if he did, he will come to find out he didn't have it so bad with me and want to come back, but i don't think i could go through all that i've gone thru these last two plus years again. BUt I really, really do love H with all my heart and soul. SO WHAT AM I TO DO? my mind is ready to explode. Please I need someone elses viewpiont, other than my family and friends. thank you all in advance, this site is a lifesaver for me, i can't see your faces or when you just bypass my post, like i can with f&f who get that look; they don't want to hear about this anymore,just leave him and get on with your life.
so give your opinion. best wishes to all of you.

<small>[ August 02, 2003, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: D---if i do,D---if i don't ]</small>

Have you all gone to a counselor? Have you talked to the Harleys?
Have you talked to your mortgage co? I always understood that mort co. would rather refinance than repossess. You mention all of your problems, but what have you done to solve them. Is your H working?
As far as your relationship, I would talk to someone who works with people in this situation.
Don't give up now after you have come so far. You owe it to yourself to hang tight. If he stayed with you and loves you, you love him don't give up. Remind him "LOVE IS AN ACTION VERB"
Also, the child will be a child, then adult and move on in life with her/his life's companion. He will be left alone in 17 years. He will be old and alone, You both love each other now. He should be working on your lives together and, then deal with the OC situation.
You haven't said what CPS has done with OC and her mom. Legally she doesn't have a leg to stand on if he has custody also. He has the right to see his child esp if he is paying CS. You might see if they will weigh in on this.
Well I don't know if I have helped. But, you sounded so alone and bereft, I couldn't leave you unanswered. Good luck
Texasgirl

Okay, I can truly understand what you are going through. Our CS is just under $1000 a month for one child!! My H and I could not handle our bills and the CS either. We had to bite the bullet and file bankruptcy. This was tough especially for H, but he knew we had no choice. We did manage to keep the house. There are lots of things you can do, a lawyer can help with this.
As for the visitation.. Did you see a lawyer and have the visitation set in court? If so it CAN be changed. We are about to change ours.
Hang in there, don't throw away what you have worked so hard for. H may just be feeling all the stress from the money situation. That really is hard for men. TALK,TALK TALK! You can work this out. There is hope!
MIW

thank you both for replying,i just needed to vent,and also hear from anyone other than family and friends.
well, things have not gotten any better. we are going to lose the house, H doesn't want to borrow $ from anyone, we've have talked to a lawyer, to see what bankruptcies would do to help keep the house, but H said it's not the way to go.he had his mind made when we went in there, just let the house go.
the last week or so, he has been going through things, trashing thing and packing things. he keeps telling me i better start packing, cause we don't know how long we have before they make us get out. he has most of his workshop boxed and some things stored at his sister's garage.i've only done a few things, i told him, i get my stuff packed this weekend while he has his time with OC.as you can see, i'm here talking to you all, people who will listen.thank you again.
well this is the situation now, i have asked H, since we are losing the house, what are we going to do. where are we going to move to, are we(H & I)going to move together or not. and the only answer i get from him is, I just don't know what is going to happen, he hasn't decided if we are going together or what. this is just killing me inside, i think he has a plan,but keeping it from me, to drive me even more crazier.
i have been looking for apts in this area, both in what i can afford by myself and what we can afford together. my gut feeling is it will be by myself.I know he has his options,he can go to stay with almost anyone in his family or with OW. my options are very little,i could stay wiyh my sister and share a room with my 17yo daughter,not going to happen, my girlfriend from work, offered me to stay in her basement, with would be ok,closer to work, but my daughter would have to travel 30miles oneway to and from school, this is her senior years,hate to make her change schools, and if we do move to friends house, i would have to beg the scool district to allow her to stay there for the year.plus also it would be an awfully hard on her b/c of her friends, to far for her and/or her friends to drive to hangout together. most of them have been friends since grade school. she is also a cheerleader,involed with student government, alot of after scool activities, and i don't want her to drive all that way at night by herself.what if her car breaks down, there are alot of crazy people out there. so you see,i'm in between a rock and a hard place.
H was suppose to give me an answer the week,(he was writing me a letter,lately we can't talk without having an arguement, so it's easier to write a letter, but i guess he didn't finish it) so i'm in a very big limbo state of mind.
but i really took a big step the other day, i called and made an appiontment with a lawyer(divorce) for this coming week, just to find out what my options are going to be if we should get a divorce.no it's not costing me anything to see this lawyer,through my work, we can get half hour consultation free, than 25% off fees after that. no one knows of this except my girl friend at work. both of us(H & I) have said we don't want a divorce, but some how i don,t see us staying together,especially if we go our separate ways when we leave this house. yes, we have done the MC,which stopped when it got to costly for us,our insurance would only pay for so many visit a year, first three were free, and we went almost weekly at first, then it became everyother week, then once a month.those sessions really helped at first, we really talked and listened to each other afterwards and through out the time between sessions.but the less time we went the less we talked. we tried to start them again this year, we only got past the first three free sessions, ans each one of them, we were more angry at each other when we left then we were before we went in. i have read all kinds of books for saving our marriage, H started to read one, but couldn't get pass the first chapter, he's not much on reading, but he sure as hell will sit and read the sports. i still try to read everything i can to help our marriage and try to talk to him but it is no use.it falls on deaf ears, at least thats how i feel,maybe he is listening just not responding.
so there's my situation. sorry i just rambled on and on and on!?!!!
and as for visitation, yes it is set by the court, but H still thinks OW can take away that time with OC. he just can't get it through his head.
so i'm hoping someday he might see the light, but for sure there will always be a dimmer on it.
THANK YOU ALL FOR LISTENING!!!
best wishes to everyone.

<small>[ August 09, 2003, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: D---if i do,D---if i don't ]</small>

Hang in there D-if you do, we're listening!

Try not to worry and please keep working at a plan for your life.

Kids are very resilient and your daughter will be okay, just keep communicating with her and you might be surprised--she might even be able to help you decide what you guys need to do.

If your H is stringing you along, that's not fair! If he wants to give up his family for the OC, then he should say so and let you go on with your life.

Do you think that if there was no OC nor an A, do you think that you guys would be getting along just fine? Somehow, I have a feeling it wouldn't be perfect then either? Ya know?

D,
I divorced my WS when he wouldn't come clean about his affair. There was an OC involved. (CS still hasn't been established!) I hadn't found MB site at that time. Anyhow, in the divorce I assumed all the debt(even though the original debt was both of ours). I ended up filing bankruptcy (chap. 11)several months after the divorce. I knew he wouldn't/couldn't pay the debt, and it would all come back on me sooner or later. I was really hoping I could honor our financial obligations, but I just couldn't. I was able to keep my lease vehicle, continue to rent my house on the lake, kept my 401k (was my only retirement fund)and retain some property we had bought (because its value was under so many thousands of dollars). Of course I lost my top notch credit rating and some of my pride! But life ain't all bad!! I'm not saying to divorce your WS. I'm just encouraging you to discuss this whole situation when you see an attorney.

D----,
I FOUND OUT ABOUT MY H AFFAIR 11MOS. AGO AND HAVE SINCE COME TO REALIZE THAT FOR SOME REASON THIS IS REALLY COMMON AND NO ONE SEEMS TO THINK THAT YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PISSED. I AM OUTRAGED THAT AFTER EVERYTHING YOU ALL HAVE BEEN THROUGH HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO REMAIN UNRESPONSIVE, BUT ON ANOTHER NOTE I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL. A WISE WOMAN TOLD ME ONE TIME THAT WHAT OUR H DO TO US HAS NO BAREING OR AFFECT ON THE LOVE WE FEEL FOR THEM. I HAVE TO SAY THAT I AM IN AGREEMENT WITH HER. YOU ARE JUSTIFIED TO VENT.JUST REMEMBER WITH CHRIST ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE SO IF YOU STILL FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE A FIGHT LEFT IN YOU FIGHT! THIS IS FOR ALL THE MARBLES. I REALLY WISH I HAD MORE WISDOM FOR YOU. I JUST FOUND THIS SITE AND IT IS NICE TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO PEOPLE THAT FEEL AGAINST ALL ODDS AND SOMETIMES COMMON SENSE THAT THEIR IS A LARGER PURPOSE AND MEANING TO THE LOVE WE FEEL FOR OUR SPOUSE. MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND BE WITH YOU DURING THIS TIME. NEWDAY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

just a little update. our house goes up for sale on 9-11, of all the dates,by the mortgage company(forclosure)i haved tried everything possible to find money to save our home, to no avale. it looks like my only hope is if i win the lottery, and what are the odds of that, zero to none. things are still up in the air as to what my H is going to do.The letter from the forclosure lawyer, i think, has made him see the reality, we are losing our home and maybe we won't be together anymore.
i have poured my heart out to him, letting him know how i feel, i still and always will love him with all my heart and soul. and that i still want to grow old with him. i thanked him for letting me a part of his life,and changing my life,alot more happier and content,until d-day,but i still enjoy being together,i still get butterflies in my heart and stomach when i think of our love and life together. i also thanked him for the prevledge of being his first wife and i pray that i would and could be the one and only wife for the rest of his/our lifes,(throwing alittle guilt therapy his way). it seems that it did have some kind of effect on him.i only hope it's for the best for us, time will only tell. in the meantime, we still enjoy our time together, and the time we spend together with the OC,still a real joy to me.
thanks for listening,will stay in touch. i'm not really thinking to clear,so i can't really write to clearly.sorry for a confusing post. take care everyone.

<small>[ August 23, 2003, 08:32 AM: Message edited by: D---if i do,D---if i don't ]</small>