I'm curious to know how the OW contacts your spouse when necessary and how often? Since we seen to be in a state of limbo right now - no major decisions made about anything - there is very limited contact. OW has H cell phone # and calls when there is an issue, usually involving $. Phone calls are very infrequent now, but make me very uncomfortable. I have password to cell phone and check it all the time which makes my H angry, although I have never listened to a message. I don't like the idea of her having his #, but we have made to decisions about CS, visitation, if we will tell our family, etc. I still hate it.

How do you deal with this? Do you hear from OW often? Does she talk to your spouse? Have phone #'s? Call often? Does it interfere with your life on a daily basis? It seems so wrong to me that there is still any contact at all. I wish it could be like those whose A did not result in a child, and there could be NC. I wish they would both disappear from our lives forever. I keep hoping something will happen to them - I know that sounds terrible. It seems like there is no way out of this mess that is not going to be filled with more pain for ME in the future! I would be interested in hearing from those who have contact with OC and those who have no contact with OC as well. Thanks again for all the support.

ftbs,,,,,,, om was contacting w by her cell phone. he has my cell # and the house # but insists on calling her cell. i was uncomfortable with it and we changed to om contacting me. he soon changed back to calling her cell. this makes me uncomfortable again. i feel i can trust my w now but it still bugs me. knowing this fh just seems to allow it to continue. i told her that if he wants to talk about anything from the baby's health, pick-up times changing, cs, etc., i would welcome it. my w says he has told her that he sees no use in that and so it will most likely never happen. i think he feels that grace is their child my w's and his and i should stay out of it. this makes me uneasy as it is like my w has 2 separate families. ours and theirs. i wish she would just tell him she wont take any more of his calls and if he has anything to say speak to me.

FTB,

Well, from my years of reading and posting, I know that many who do have contact w/OW and have counseled w/the Harleys have been told that the best way to deal with contact it through the BS. Why, because "fate" was tempted once with the OW/M and the WS, so what's to REALLY keep it from happening again! I VERY much agree with this statement/belief! If you notice in my sig line that MY first D-day was way back in 92, and then again in 96! Well, with that situation, I had found out that my H had had an A while P with our 10 yr old! Of course, I was 23, and a stay at home mom, and believed him when he said it wouldn't happen again! He called her, with me in the room, and told her no more letters, phone calls, etc.... Well, fast forward to 96, and 3 different addresses later! We get a card, forwarded from the last duty station he'd been at, with HER new address, and story of her life! I asked Sailorman about it and he gave me some lame excuse. Well, I held on to the letter, and when Sailorman was away for school, I wrote to her, asking what she thought she was doing, and got an interesting reply, that they'd kept in contact for the last 3 1/2 yrs, and that he'd seen her in WA right before he transfered from that last duty station! You can imagine my reaction when Sailorman got back home about a week later! I share this because I feel that if I had been more involved back in 92, that it would never have continued as it had!

For Sailorman's D-day, HE was the one to tell xOM that we(notice I said WE) didn't want any further contact with him at all!!!! We even agreed to talk to xOM's command to try to drop the assult charges!(but the command wanted to continue with the investigation and "trial") Did that keep xOM away? No, as this was a Thursday, and on Sat, he was at the door, begging me to talk to him! The only thing that got him away from the door is my call to the base police! After that, he would call try to call our house and then hang up! It's interesting when your phone number changes, the calls stop!

I think what I'm saying is you BOTH need to agree, via poja(we didn't know that's what we were doing at the time) that any and all contact should be through you! If the xOW(or even xOM) doesn't like it, tough!!!! For me, it was as if I was "proving" to Sailorman that I wanted to save the M, and would agree to do what HE wanted, but that agreement was wholeheartedly done! What does it hurt to have the BS be the contact for any and everything that involves the OP/OC? The only thing that I see it could possibly hurt is the possibility of the A continuing! Whether it be a physical A(PA) or and emotional A(EA), it's still there in the background, and needs to be dealt with!

I guess what I'm saying here is that it makes sense to have any and all contact be through the BS! I also know of a case where it's to be text messages for pick up/drop off/problems with OC and such. And, that even that can get messed up! But it's what works, and if any messages are recieved when WS and BS are not together, WS lets the BS know pretty much immediately! Course, she can tell you exactly how they have that worked out. But, I am a strong believer that NC is best in MOST situations! To save a M that vows were made between the BS & WS, in which those vows say till death do us part, that really does mean something to me, especially now that our eyes have been opened to the pain that our selfishness has caused MANY people! And no vows were made in that manner w/the OW/M! In fact the A's are ALWAYS hidden, and looked at as something dirty!

Any continued contact, no matter who's on the recieving end(bs/ws) just tends to cause additional stress that many M's can't survive! There are a few who've been very successful with contact, but in most cases, the M survives more intact when NC is decided between the BS/WS.

I'm sorry that I went on about this, but it is something that I feel very strongly about! I know, for a fact, that if we still had contact with xOM in our situation, he'd make life miserable, if not carry through with his threat on Sailorman's life! We had already decided to work on our M with no outside INTERFERENCE from xOM when I found out that I was P. We decided that we wouldn't tell xOM of the P(and through looking at the state laws, if there was even a slim chance of P, and the xOM didn't file for paternity w/in 60 days of expected due date, or seek paternity w/in 2 yrs, he has NO claim!) and go from there. Now, this decission was no made lightly or right then and there! We found out the end of July of the P, and didn't decided to raise Abbi as ours till Sept(we were still debating keeping her or giving her up for adoption). So these things are never to be made in the middle of the anger and pain! You need to discuss TOGETHER what your course of action should be, and decide TOGETHER how to go about it!

Sorry if I rambled, but it's just something that I feel VERY strongly about! Hope I helped, if you were able to read through the whole thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Tigger

H OW will either call or just stop by, but its so rare that she does either. The only time we from her is when she want to tease H by telling him her H is gonna adopt the OC. Never happend.

With me. I call DM only when there is a problem with the child, sick or school. His XW would rather have the kids dead. I don't deal with her cause she has made threats against the children. She is not allowed to be around the children either.

I get concerned about this, too. The OC in our life has Down Syndrome and is more prone to certain types of health problems. The OW doesn't have a car or a phone. She uses a neighbor's phone if it's an emergency. I'm afraid she'll create "emergencies" to have contact with my WS(ex). I really don't want to be the "go-between" the OW and my WS. I feel like that's punishing me further and I just don't want that. I know that some here have mentioned involving a third party to facilitate contacts. I don't know about you, but I sure wouldn't volunteer for that role!! Sorry I don't have answers. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your concerns. Take care!

<small>[ August 16, 2003, 10:03 AM: Message edited by: lilymarie ]</small>