Hi all!

I have been lurking since d-day in June but now I have a question.

My H had a 4+ year A which resulted in a child that was born in June. My H and I are in recovery and he has truly done everything I have asked to date to assure me that he wants our marriage (although I know it is a looooong road). I requested NC without me which he appears to be respecting so far. In late June, she called WH at work claiming that the baby had a "disease" and needed surgery but of course she couldn't pronounce or describe the disease or give a clue what surgery would cure it. He said he didn't actually spend time talking but said he would call her later. When he called with me on the phone to find out what she was talking about she was livid. Of course she refused ANY information about what the disease was in that conversation as well. She only said that the baby could die from "this disease" and if he wasn't going to be there for her than she will handle it herself. When he said that WE (he and I) will be there for the baby she got even more angry. It was clear that my H wasn't going to come running as planned and she certainly wasn't expecting to have to contend with me in every conversation. When he refused to take her off of speaker she hung up after telling my H not to call her again since he didn't have enough respect for her to deal with her (yes she actually had the gall to mention respect... go figure).

We have attempted to reach the OW to discuss a DNA test so that we can address child support. Each call we have made has been refused. We wrote a NC letter sent cert return receipt asking for NC, info on the "disease", a DNA test and giving her contact information for ME because I am who she would need to speak to regarding the baby. She refused the letter and it was returned to us.

Yesterday I happened to have my husband's cell phone and got a hang up from a blocked number which is the same thing she always did when I answered his phone before I knew. I called her back (she refused to pick up) advising of the proper contact# for ME and that we need to get the DNA test and deal with custody issues once the paternity is established. I then had H call her and reiterate this since I wanted her to hear that from HIM as well so she would know that we are united in this. She called back and spoke to me and stated that she didn't call him (eventhough I could hear the exact same noise at the exact same level in the background). She said she had not called him because she has no reason to call him. I was very polite and said "oh really? Well then there must be someone else calling from a private number that is watching the same program. It is clearly my mistake."

My question is just how much persuing of the DNA test should we do in this? It is clear that she is scorned and is angry right now (even typing that she is angry because she can no longer screw my husband makes me want to puke). But I know eventully we will have to deal with the situation. I think we have a pretty good log of our attempts to do the right thing and he and I agree that CS should be paid but not without established Paternity. I also have told her via voice message that if the baby is his we would be pursuing custody since any child born in this marriage is going to be "our" child and any involvement he has will be with he and I as a couple. But if I don't do anything about forcing the issue neither will he. So should we just leave this alone or keep attempting to contact this idiot and documenting it? If she doesn't cooperate with establishing paternity for 5 years do we get slapped with back support?

Boy does this WHOLE thing SUCK! But I am so glad I have found you guys you are a life saver, thanks for being willing to share.

Hello Luvlife,

I am sorry you are having to go through not only an affair but a child produced from the affair. I commend you on wanting to do what is best not only for your marriage but for the child. No matter what it is a hard long road. I also comend your Husband for showing a united front. It will make things easier.

The best advice I can give you is to run to a lawyer and get sound legal advice. Find a laywer who specilizes in family law. They can give you advice for the state you live in on matters pertaining to back child support, rights you have to request the DNA test, if he is the father than fighting for custody, child support, ect. It is better to have everything finalized legally than always wondering when she will snap and use the child to manipulate the two of you. She has already started with the pretend ailment so why deal with the drama.

I am so sorry for this but protect yourself legally so she cannot latter hit you with a huge financial bill that neither one of you can afford. Another thing to look into is if you have children you might want to request child support before her child. A couple of other memebers did this to reduce the child support that the OC would recieve. That way the CS payments will not criple your family's financial health.

luvlife,
I, too, must advise you to get a lawyer and seek to establish paternity. That way the DNA issue can be handled through the court system.
Should the OC really have a medical need and the OC truly is your H's then your H, and you as well, have a right to know and to have those details.

My H and I filed to establish paternity BEFORE Lil Bit's birth because the OW was doing something similar. Though she never said that the baby had anything wrong with her, she continued to waffle on having a DNA test. We had arranged to have a DNA test performed when she was to have a scheduled amniocentisis. But, when it came time, she cancelled the entire amnio.

Good Luck to you!
May your Recovery continue to strengthen!

Thanks for the replies. I see the need to seek legal advise but I am REALLY hesitant to force the DNA issue for two reasons. First from what I have read if we want it and she doesn't go through CS enforcement we will probably have to foot the bill. Second, in the back of my mind I am saying that if she doesn't want him involved and he can't handle parenting from a distance and I don't know that I want to deal with a joint custody situation perhaps I should let sleeping dogs lie. As selfish as it sounds I don't know that I want the responsibility of co-parenting with the OW. Especially considering she is already pulling the "the baby is sick come running" routine. Also how much harm would it do to wait a few weeks/months/years/centuries (ok, ok I'll stop lol) to do this. In one sense this is still too new for me to take on and I am by far the fighter of the two of us in this marriage. On the other, I don't want to have it looked upon as him/us dodging our responsibilities. So it would fall on me to be the lead advocate and I can't say that I really want the job. My SIL and I had a conversation about my position and she was saying that she sees so many children that are products of having no relationship with their fathers and that I need to be the bigger person in this. It is hard because it seems that people are saying that in addition to being victimized by the affair, you are forced to be in a lifelong committment to a child that isn't yours because you are choosing to stay in the marriage. I commend those that can do this with an open heart and who knows perhaps one day I will get there. But it feels now like you are made to feel terrible if you don't want to be involved. It is like everyone gets choices but you. She had a choice of whether she kept the baby, my WH had a choice of whether or not to sleep with her, they both had a choice in using birth control. And at the end of the day I am left with either ending my marriage, having my husband have continued contact with that tramp or be forced into the situation of raising a child with a woman that I hate.

Hello Luv,

I am not advocating having the child in your life but I am also not advocating that you have to parent the child if it is your H. My only concern is that you discuss with a lawyer what would happen to you if this child is his. There are a number of people on this site who can state how hard it is to financially pay back child support over several years because they just ignored the issue. Some states can retroactive the CS to the birth of the child. Hence, if you ignore the DNA testing and say five years from now you will be paying CS, back CS, and fines for non-payment of the retro CS. This could criple you finacially. I am not trying to scare you because your state might not have this policy but do you want to chance it?

I would say do not even decide at this point if you want to co-parent the child. First contact a family lawyer and find out what rules your state has regarding CS, parents rights, co-partenting, if you can apply for CS first to lower her CS, ect. Find out all the different options you have. Than start deciding the legal and financial options first while working on healing the marriage. Once that is done than you can start deciding if you want to even attempt to co-parent. This is one of the worst tragedies you can go through as a family. It will take time to process and heal. Most thearapist advocate not to make major life changing decisions for a year. Maybe at this point take care of business and leave the decision of partenting once you know for sure this child is his.

See an attorney right away. Don't just pick one from just anywhere. Like any other profession, some are experts with child support, custody, and situations like ours.

Good luck.

ember

Hello,
We are in similar sitaution. So, far we have not done DNA testing but when OC was born we tried to contact OW and ask for DNA and she just hung up. Since then two years ago we have not heard from her.. OC will be 2 in October and nothing has been done yet.. I understand what you are feeling..

Dawn