My wife and I have been married for 9 years. In the last six months she has revealed to me that she has been having an affair with a co-worker. She recently left for a few days and then returned home.

Now that she is home, we have found out that she is pregnant. There is a chance that it is the OM's, but I don't know. She doesn't want to abort; it truly isn't something I believe in either. But if it is the OM, then how can he be removed from our lives??

I'm struggling hard to love her and support her, but it is so hard and I still feel that she hasn't "signed on" to recovery.

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Help

Murph,

First and foremost, does the xOM know that your W is P? Second, if this child IS the OM's, would you be willing to raise this child as your own? These two questions, besides whether you want to save your M or not, are the most important at this moment. If you are willing to raise this child, and the xOM doesn't know of the P, then you don't even need to tell him. That is what my H and I have done!

If the xOM knows of the P, then you need to decide if you want to have him involved w/CS or visitation or not. In most states, the child would be considered your's as you are M'd. The only way that the xOM, in these situations, can have any claim is if you contest paternity. Check with your state laws to know where you stand in that regard.

I hope that I have helped in some way, and if you have further questions, please don't hesitate to ask! We are 3 yrs post D-day, and doing VERY well. I would be more than willing to offer any help I can provide.

Tigger

I know of a case that went to the sureme court, the OM wa fighting for visitation rights to his child with a MW. Even having a DNA test proving that he was the bio-logical father, he lost. The courts ruled that since the child was conceived and born in a marriage, the child is the husbands.

I got pregnant during my affair. The Om took me to court after our daughter was born and lost. My H is on the birth certificate as her father.

Tigger,

No, he does not know that she is pregnant. We just found out ourselves last week. My wife feels that if it is his that he needs to be told, especially for medical reasons. So the plan right now is to have an amnio when the time is right and go from there.

Hopefully, the stress before the test will make us strong enough to survive its results.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Crazymum:
<strong>I know of a case that went to the sureme court, the OM wa fighting for visitation rights to his child with a MW. Even having a DNA test proving that he was the bio-logical father, he lost. The courts ruled that since the child was conceived and born in a marriage, the child is the husbands.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">On the other hand, I am sure if you were suddenly low on money and needed child support, the same courts would force OM to pay it.
Michael

Murph,

My recomendation right now is to work on your M together. Yes, not knowing is a stress, and will be there till you do find out, but, by that time you will both know if you will be able to save your M. How much have you read on this site? Are you in counseling? Look at everything they offer here! Read the books they recommend! They Harley's have counseled for YEARS with their technique, and they know it works! They do counseling by phone, and you can see their fees under the counseling site here.

Get the foundation of your M strong before going any further with contacting xOM about this. There is nothing he needs to do at this point, ESPECIALLY if you are going to save your M! At the time that you find out, if he is the baby's bio-father, then you can show him a united front, and if he doesn't want to be involved in the child's life, so much the better for you and your W. She's probably still in the feelings of the A, or what is commonly called the fog here. Basically, her emotions are still running high, and she still has feelings for xOM. If she truly loves you, the fog WILL lift, and she will be willing to work with you, TOGETHER, to save your M!

In our case, we never told xOM about the P, or Abbi. Our D-day got a little violent, with xOM threatening my H's life! Followed by harrassment of my by xOM when my H had told him that I didn't want to talk to him ever again! A couple weeks post D-day, we found out I was P. We didn't find this site till later, but were basically following the logical steps with the no-contact(NC), and Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA). I knew enough of xOM's medical history to be comfortable with that, and we figure that anything else that may happen, we can deal with when the time comes! One example, and we still aren't sure either way, is that Abbi has a vision problem which has caused her to wear glasses from the time she was 15 months old! No one else, blood related, in our family has this problem. She is such a joy, and now we can't picture life without her, but it didn't always feel that way! Don't get me wrong, I loved her from the moment we decided to raise her as our own, and probably before(we were deciding between adoption and raising her, even though my first reaction was to try to call an abortion clinic! But God is good and I didn't call the right number, and got a crisis pregnancy clinic in stead!) that, but the stress was difficult!

What I'm trying to say is concentrate on your M right now. See if your W would be willing to post here! There is at least one other in her possition here, and there was another, although we haven't seen her post in a while. I've been where she is right now, and am 3 years past that, so can help in the "future" perspective as well! Take it from me, your M can survive this, no matter the outcome of the amnio.(by the way, we've never even done a DNA test, as we just didn't want to know) Post as often as you can, and I'm sure you will get some great advice! Let me know if there's anything else I can help you with. Hopefully, K, who's on YOUR side of this situation, will show up soon! He's a little further down the road of recovery than we are, and is wonderful with the help! Concentrate on your M, and read all you can!

Tigger

[QUOTE] On the other hand, I am sure if you were suddenly low on money and needed child support, the same courts would force OM to pay it.
Michael [QUOTE]

No, the only way I could go after him is if my H contest things. And that would be hard with the fact that he signed the birth certifcates and knew the kids were not his. As for right now, I am low on money and getting child support from OM would help termendously, but I'm not going after him and will not go after him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Crazymum:
<strong>[QUOTE] On the other hand, I am sure if you were suddenly low on money and needed child support, the same courts would force OM to pay it.
Michael [QUOTE]

No, the only way I could go after him is if my H contest things. And that would be hard with the fact that he signed the birth certifcates and knew the kids were not his. As for right now, I am low on money and getting child support from OM would help termendously, but I'm not going after him and will not go after him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Crazymum,
I in no way meant to imply that you would. I simply was trying to say that I think the courts have a double standard sometimes, not that you personally would try. Sorry if I offended you.
Michael

Tigger,

Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I am hoping that the fog will lift and we will be able to work on things together.

I'll do my best to suggest to my W about posting here. I'd love for her to talk with someone who's been through this and is 3 yrs on the other side.

Murph~

Your situation is difficult at best. I hope that your W does sign on to wanting recovery. I believe if she makes it clear that she wants you and your marriage, your struggles to love her and support her may not be as difficult. I am glad you knew of the possibility of the baby not being yours biologically from the beginning. I didn't give my H that luxury till I was 5 mos. P. I was a coward. I knew I wanted my H, and restoration of our marriage, but was trying my best to avoid the most essential aspect of starting the process...telling the truth!!

I did tell x-om of my P, right before I said goodbye to him. I wish I had thought it through, because I probably wouldn't have told him. I too was concerned about the health of my OC. I quizzed him on all sorts of medical history. He didn't know his blood type though, and I didn't stick around long enough to find out. In my case, thank God, x-om had no real interest in OC, and said he would leave me be, and never come back to bother me or OC. There has been no further contact. He does not know if I kept OC, lost OC, etc... for all I know, he might not have ever believed I was P. My H and I both agree that we want no child support, it is more than worth it, so we can have complete NC w/ x-om.

This probably sounds really bad, but it is just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth. If there is anyway around your W's x-om not finding out she is P, I would go that route. Unless of course you choose to raise the OC, but want CS. I understand her need to find out about medical history, but I believe that bridge can be crossed when/if there are ever any serious health issues. That may sound really lame, because I am certainly not an expert on how important it is to know the health history of om and his family. My Dr. didn't ask many Q's about the father. He mainly inquired if he, or his mom, and any sibs. had parented any children w/ Down's or anything else serious. That Q was primarily due to my older age though.

I hope first and foremost, whatever decisions the two of you make re. OC and x-om, that you will decide together to work on your M, and put it before all else. I believe, and anyone on here will tell you that your M comes before OC, and even before any of your own C. Do you have children together?

If you choose to remain with your W, and recover/restore your M, she will be extremely blessed and very, very fortunate as I am. I hope she will realize it and love you all the more for it, and work her butt off to work with you to have a beautiful M. It can be done, even if baby is an OC!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hope you have begun to read everything on this site, including the Q & A's, and Basic Concepts. Also, the book, Surviving An Affair is a necessary tool. Of course the very best tool would be counseling w/ a MC who has a marriage restoration attitude! I hear that Steve Harley, and Jenn Harley are the best. My H, however has thus far chosen not to seek MC. I am hoping that one day he will change his mind. He has done some of the reading though, and has said he would like to attend one of the Marriage Builder's weekends, at some point after OC is born. I am looking forward to that!

Thank God a P lasts 9 months. It gives you, the betrayed, and your W, the betrayer time to start and even make good progress in the process of dealing w/ the difficult and painful issues that go along with something so hideous as an affair, not to mention all that goes along with the possible resulting OC. With total committment to you and your M from your W, as well as NC w/ x-om, it also gives your W time to come out of the fog, and get over any withdrawal symptoms without the baby totally being in the picture yet.

God bless you on your journey, you have been a very strong man already.

~aut

Aut,

Thank you for the encouraging words. We were seeing a MC together, but with the affair still looming large a few months ago, my W was unwilling to conceed anything. So I am still going to the same counselor, and my wife has begun seeing a new psychologist. At first I was apprehensive about this, but I realize that she needs someone to talk to and it doesn't have to be the same person.

My goal right now is not to push. When she's ready to attend counseling together--we will.

In regards to the baby, my W sat with me crying the other night trying to explain how she feels in her heart that it is mine.

Hopefully, we will work through this

Do you know much about her psychologist? Yes, I agree she needs someone to talk to, but I hope it's not someone who is just tickling her ear and telling her what she wants to hear. This marriage building, or re-building is tough stuff, but it is definitely possible. I hope she will get to the point that she will seek MC w/ you again and that the MC has saving, (and making better) your marriage as his ultimate concern.

Recently I was in the city where W. Harley's wife's radio broadcast is from, and I was lucky to get to hear it one of the day's he is her guest. I heard first hand why everyone on here gives him such high praises. One of the things he touched on briefly was how so few therapists are really good at helping couples save their marriages. He said to keep going to a different one as often as you have to in order to find a good one. He admitted though, the MC with a lot of success are more difficult to get in to see. I like that his son and daughter have the phone counseling, you can live anywhere, and still counsel w/ them. There is an article on here that talks about what you should look for in a counselor.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In regards to the baby, my W sat with me crying the other night trying to explain how she feels in her heart that it is mine. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see that as a good sign. Even if it turns out not to be yours, I bet her tears are also over the fact that she wishes it was yours. My H has only on rare occasions since discovery of the A, mentioned the glimmer of hope that he could be the bio-dad. He brought it up the other night again. He quickly reassures me though, that even though he has slim hopes, and wishes to be the bio-dad, that he will always think of the baby as his own, and raise him/treat him accordingly. I told him, that to me, he is the baby's only daddy, that he has been the father and done all that fathers do from day one. Well, ok...from day 2, day 1 he referred to him as my [censored], but that was very fleeting, (very understandable too), he's never uttered the word since. Now he talks about how much he loves him...incredible!! We both went on to agree, we're not saying he's the real dad out of a sense of denial, but it's how we both truly feel, DNA or not. At this point, he still says he doesn't want a DNA test.

I have babbled, and haven't even asked how you are doing so far with everything. What are your thoughts on the baby, or are you trying to reserve any plans till after the DNA? Could you be daddy to him/her, even if an OC? Are the two of you still going forward w/ the amnio? Is she still wanting to tell x-om if he is the bio? Am I asking too many questions, and getting too personal?...lol! Of course you don't have to answer any of my Qs, I totally understand, this is touchy stuff. Just, I'm concerned for you and your situation, and I guess selfishly it helps to hear the other side.

I honestly wonder how BS do it, esp. w/ baby involved. I've said it before, as awful as it is to be in my shoes, I don't think I could ever wear the shoe's of my H. I told him, I may go to heaven, but I won't get all the crowns he'll surely receive!!

Take good care.
~aut

Love knows no DNA.

Aut,

You weren't babbling at all, in fact, it made me laugh to see how your husband reacted because, at first, I felt the same way. My W is convinced the odds are in my favor because the xOM did not "complete the deal." There's still a chance that one of those little swimmers made the journey, but I'm hoping that mine were there beforehand.

Today we were laying in bed running down names for the baby. It was the first time we had a semi-relaxed conversation about it. I still do not want to have the amnio. I want us to move on together and begin rebuilding. I don't know if she is there yet, and I don't want to drag her along.

I'm striving hard to be a man of integrity and not make each situation about us, the baby or the affair. Sometimes I feel so raw that everything hurts, and those are usually times that I'm trying to control everything and not let God take care of the big stuff.

I've been reading the book of Job recently, and the one thing I've noticed is that no matter what happened or how depressed Job got he came back to the fact that he knew his Redeemer lived. That's what I'm building my foundation on. No matter what is coming up.

My hope and prayer is that we love each other again and have the family we both always wanted. I'd love for that work to begin today, this minute, this nanosecond. But my timing is not always the best.

Now I'm rambling.

Thanks,

Murph

Bless your heart, Coffeeman! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murph~

Wow, chances sound good that baby is yours. I know you still want to be realistic though, and I understand more now the desire for DNA testing. Personally, I hope you guys don't choose amnio though, because of the risk factor.

Have you told her that you want to move on and rebuild together? I agree, you don't want to drag her along, that doesn't work anyway. However there is nothing wrong with telling her where you stand and asking her where she stands, what she wants the future to hold, etc. (in a non-LB'g manner) Have you read about Plan A?

I know all too well about the fog and the withdrawal, they are powerful. However, it is my hope that your W can at least see/think clearly enough that she wants you and your M, to get back to the committment. The love doesn't have to be there in order to have the committment, but it is usually sure to follow.

You can love each other again, you can have the family you always wanted. I believe you can have these things in an even deeper, more beautiful way than you've ever known, hoped for, or thought possible. It most definitely takes work though, a lot of work,(on both parts), but it can and does happen, and when it does...it ceases to be "work", rather a privelige and a pleasure.

Thank you so much for sharing some of your thoughts. As I suspected, it gives me a glimpse into what my H is probably thinking, but not speaking.

Job...good choice! Talk about a man who lost literally everything, and then some, but still hung in there. Look how it all turned out for him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hope K and/or pops come along, they would be much better at this, as they are BH w/OCs.

Aren't you proud of me though...I AM! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ...I think I only asked 2 questions this time. Family members tell me I'd make either a good 3yr. old or a good attorney.

~aut

<small>[ August 18, 2003, 06:24 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Aut~

LOL, I don't mind the questions at all. I feel that in talking with you I get a better understanding of where my W is right now.

I have told her that I want to work, probably too many times. Now it's time just to shut up and do.

The frustrating thing is, sometimes I feel like she would rather just end up alone. Maybe the memories of everything are just far to painful right now, so she would rather avoid any of them.

Honestly, I just don't know, but thanks for listening.

Murph

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Murph94:
<strong> Aut~

LOL, I don't mind the questions at all. I feel that in talking with you I get a better understanding of where my W is right now.</strong>

Murph,

I'm glad that Aut has been so helpful! She can definately help you as far as where your wife is at right now! Everything is still fresh for her, whereas for me, it's much further in the past.

<strong>I have told her that I want to work, probably too many times. Now it's time just to shut up and do. </strong>

I think it's a good idea to just show your W that you want to work on your M. Often times, when it's said over and over, it becomes annoying, in a way. Kind of the "action speaks louder than words" theory.

<strong>The frustrating thing is, sometimes I feel like she would rather just end up alone. Maybe the memories of everything are just far to painful right now, so she would rather avoid any of them.

Honestly, I just don't know, but thanks for listening.

Murph</strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can understand her feelings of just ending up alone! The guilt is HUGE!!!! Probably in her eyes, the perfect punishment for what she's done is to end up alone on her own! She's probably thinking(and I say this because it's what I put myself through), "I don't deserve to have Murph as a H! Look at what I did to him! Why does he still want me after what I've done?!?!"

Give her a little time, but NOT TOO MUCH! She does need to deal with this a little on her own, but with you by her side, showing your support! Show her, by actions, that you do still love her, and that you would still like those questions answered, but you will give her some time first. At this moment/time in your W's recovery, she needs to have YOU depositing tons into her Love Bank account! She will come around and will be your W again! Too much of what you've said so far points that direction. So, as long as you continue to support her in her recovery, you will both survive this time being closer for it in the end.

I hope that I have helped you some again. I too, hope that K or Pops show up soon to give you their side, as they have been there too! Especially K, as he's like the oldest member for the P/C board, if not the WHOLE board!!!!

Also, have you talked to your W about posting here herself? Let her know that there are others in her shoes, and who have walked that mile before her who are willing to lend a helping hand!

Ok, enough from me now.

Tigger

Tig,

I'm doing my best to deposit. Sometimes, however, I feel kind of empty inside. What I tend to do is put myself into everything, so I'm working on figuring out what has to do with me and what doesn't.

Time is my nemesis! I feel like things should be progessing in my time, so of course that's a problem. There are times when I think she should reach out for me and doesn't. I feel that I'm being sensitive to her "needs," but she is not in-tune to mine.

Now that may or may not be true, but that's how it feels. Which of course leads me to be a pessimist and not an optimist.

We're only 1 month past d-day, so I have no guideline on time, so any words of wisdom on that would be a plus.

Thanks,

Murph

Hi Murph~

Yes, I think time has something to do w/ why your W is not responding yet. You mentioned in your first post that in the last 6 months she revealed she had been having an A, that she recently left for a few days, and now is home. You didn't mention, unless I missed it down the road, when exactly she ended the A and if all contact has ended w/ om.

I bring this up, because if A was only recently ended, things are still very fresh for her, and she is probably in the fog that is talked about a lot on here. Also, you say he is a co-worker, which doesn't help in the no contact attempt.

Although to your wife's great credit she admitted A and then the possibility of the OC way earlier than I did, she was plunged directly into your discovery, her withdrawal, and her P all at the same time. Don't get me wrong, my delay in telling my H about the A and that the P is most likely an OC till I was 5 months was not the right thing to do. However, I had ended the A 4 months prior, and all contact 3 months prior. By the time I told my H the truth, I had long decided I wanted him and my M. When he made his choice to stay w/ me, I was ready to get working on our M that day. I was so happy!

Hang in there the best you can. Plan A her, which it seems you're already working on. I can only imagine the empty feeling you describe. You are the betrayed, yet you find yourself doing all the work and doing all the giving.

I wish I could give better advice, I'm not much further down this path than you are. Baby isn't even here yet.

Take good care,
~autumnday

Aut~

Yes, he was a co-worker, but she left that job at the end of June. Her contact with the xOM continued via the cell phone and then she eventually left in the second week of July.

She was gone for only two 1/2 days (an eternity to me), but she called me and asked if she could come home.

Since that time she has not returned to any job and has been home "reconnecting" with our four y/o daughter. And recently we've found out about the P.

So, yeah, she's had a bit to deal with all at once. I believe that she has not had any contact with the xOM since the day she came home.

It's just that I've felt very disconnected with her this week and it reminds me of when she was actively in the A. Of course, she is busy trying to find a new job and study for her registry exam, which has been consuming her time this week.

So maybe I should just stop whining and realize that she needs me to be supportive and not "needy." She needs strength and not weakness and she'll need a good time when the test is over.

It's just hard being the cheerleader. My pom-poms are losing some of their strings.

Murph <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />